BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt. 26: Hable Con Bella

You know what? I'm declaring jihad on commas. For a while now I've tried not to sweat the small stuff in these books. For one thing we've already covered most of S. Meyer's grammatical issues; they have not improved nor have they evolved. Plus, Reasoning With Vampires is out-fine-tooth-combing even me. But S. Meyer fucks up what could be a perfectly good last sentence to chapter 19 with a stray comma:

The killing games continued in the clearing, and I stared at the hazy moon.

Oh, well. You know, S. Meyer, there are better ways to force a pause if you really need to. I use chapter headings. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 19 (cont'd): Selfish

So Bella's super-manipulative ploy to get Edward out of the fight actually works. She invokes her New Moon-era heartbreak (get over it, Bella!) and coldly twists Edward's arm until he agrees to abandon his family for the coming battle. She feels guilty, but not guilty enough to stop. Bella's priorities become very clear here: Edward's life is more important than any other's. Surprisingly, Alice seems to rank a close second.

I knew what he was thinking of – the same thing I was thinking of. Carlisle. Esme. Emmett. Rosalie. And... I forced myself to think the last name. And Alice.

Hard to know where Jacob ranks with respect to Edward and Alice. All kidding aside, it would truly be interesting if Alice suddenly declared her love for Bella now. We have enough heterosexual love triangles already, S. Meyer. Impress me. Speak of the vampire, Edward calls her to come hang out with Bella while he hands his white flag to Jasper. While she's en route, Edward gives us a lesson on how relationships work.

He shrugged. “You are my first priority.”
“I didn't mean it that way – like you have to choose me over your family.”
“I know that. Besides, that's not what you asked. You gave me two alternatives that you could live with, and I chose the one that I could live with. That's how compromise is supposed to work.”

Edward should get a job as a professional mediator. But seriously folks, I kind of like the weird-ass lesson this scene is imparting: even perfect, paranormal romances are full of the day-to-day shit. Sure, maybe you and your husband are arguing about where to move or whether or not to have children, whereas Edward and Bella are arguing about who, precisely, will be involved in a war with a legion of newborn vampires, but it's basically the same deal. Relationships take work.

A MAYBE KIND OF OBVIOUS DIGRESSION

Do you notice that Edward and Bella never really talk about anything other than plot mechanics? I mean, Bella gives us plenty of “And Edward and I spent the summer together” expository bullshit where we can assume some other sort of conversation took place, and this book, for the most part, cuts out any time Bella ever shoots the breeze with anyone, but isn't that a terrible mistake? I get more and more frustrated trying to summarize these long scenes of dialogue, mostly because almost no one ever says anything interesting, ever. Most of the time, dialogue is employed to reveal some new plot twist like a riddle. It gets boring; just say it already! And doesn't it eventually start to feel like the basis of Edward and Bella's relationship is... their relationship? WHY DO THEY EVEN LIKE EACH OTHER? I know this is all kind of obvious, but it isn't something I've said before. It needs to be said.

END OF DIGRESSION

Alice shows up and tells Edward he's going to “miss all the fun.” She sees the future, folks! She's already told the rest of her family, so it's kind of unclear why Edward leaves to tell them again, but he does. Which leaves Alice alone with Bella. She gives our narrator a “glare” which I assume is supposed to mean “Bitch, what the fuck?” Bella is like, does this put you guys at risk? Alice is like “Bitch please.” So Bella is like, what is the problem? And Alice is like “Edward is going to feel so bad he's going to a mega-dick for the next nine months.” I feel like in real life Alice would do the “jerk off” hand motion a lot.

“Would you let Jasper go without you?” I demanded.
Alice grimaced. “That's different.”
“Sure it is.”

Alice and Jasper's relationship is based on equality, Bella. So yeah, it kind of is different. Also: they are cooler. Alice orders Bella to clean herself up (she doesn't offer to help, which is weird, since they used to be shower buddies) and Charlie gets home shortly thereafter. He's pumped to see Alice – Charlie is a channeling the rest of us right now. He tells Alice everyone is talking about how great her party was last night. “I'll bet you've got one heck of a clean-up job ahead of you.” In response, Alice does the “jerk off” hand motion. Just kidding.

“No worse than Woodstock 99,” she shrugged.

Still kidding. What follows is a kind of bizarre scene where Alice tells Charlie about how the rest of her family is leaving her all alone for the weekend – they all wanted to go camping and she didn't, oh no! – and Charlie is so struck by her sexy misery face that he invites her to stay with them. Alice stomps on Bella's foot, and Bella objects, saying they don't have the room and Alice would be uncomfortable.

“Well, she could sleep in my bed,” Charlie offered. “Or your bed. There are so many possibilities for erotic fan fiction!”

Charlie actually just offers for Bella to stay with Alice in her house for a few days instead. Bella is amazed.

With one complicated-ass Rube Goldberg of a scene, Alice had cleared my schedule for the battle.

Hey Alice, you know what would have been easier? Saying, “Hey Bella, do you want to go shopping with me this weekend?” in front of Charlie and leaving it at that! But whatever. Alice leaves later that night, and Bella goes to bed where Edward is waiting. She tells him that Alice is kidnapping her for the day tomorrow (tomorrow being the day before the battle, I think. The timeline is kind of fucked up here. I guess Alice's party was on a Wednesday?) and Edward informs her that actually that is not the case. The rest of the Cullens, including Alice (shit), are going hunting to prep for the battle, meaning that Edward and Bella will be alone in the Cullen house for the night.

“You're welcome, bitch.”-Alice Cullen

Bella is excited, as in aroused, obviously. They go back out to the clearing for fight club – this time only Jacob, Embry and Quil (all in wolf form) have come out. The rest of the wolves don't need to be there because of the hive mind and all. That must be nice! The wolves must save so much money on movie tickets and shit - as long as one of them is there, all of them are there. It's an intriguing notion which is basically left hanging, right there, like that. Edward still has to help Jasper with his demonstrations, so Bella sits on the ground and Wolf-Jacob comes over and they have another ridiculous, over-anthropomorphized bonding scene. She shivers, he lies down next to her, she basically uses him as a pillow. She worries out loud about his safety, Wolf-Jacob literally rolls his eyes. Okay, sure.

Chapter 20: Compromise

Oddly, Bella takes this time to sort of recap the plot for us. It's the night before the battle, and various tasks have been completed to ensure the safety of Charlie and others. He'll be with Billy at La Push, guarded by a few of the extra members of the wolfpack. Ben, Angela, and Mike have received Bella's concert tickets (if anyone cared) and Mike is buying a fourth to bring Jessica along. It must have been a lame show, if tickets are still available. See you guys in the epilogue! Anyway, Bella starts talking about how she's ready to be a vampire - she looks forward to being Edward's "equal" like Alice and Jasper. This is the first time Bella has been smart enough to realize she should be looking up to those two. Why did it take so long?

There was only one missing piece.

To paraphrase Jasper, Bella means that more literally than you can imagine. She starts thinking about how she could change - she will be a newborn after all. "I knew which human experience I was going to insist on before I became inhuman," she says. "So we had some things to work out tonight."And of course, though S. Meyer is going to go to GREAT LENGTHS to avoid actually saying it, by "some things" Bella means "Edward's cock." Oh my god, you guys, this is happening.

Okay, it probably isn't going to happen even still.

BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt. 25: Bella Hath No Fury

Until now, Twilight's sexism has been sort of nebulous or at least easily explained away: This might be a book primarily written about a few boys and how awesome they are, but it's still written by a woman. Bella doesn't have a lot of agency now, but the day where she's a vampire is coming. The whole character of Emily is outrageous and offensive, but it's more of a finger in the eye to domestic abuse victims than women in general.

And yet now, three books in, we get two Women Behaving Very Badly (directly against the wishes of men) right in a row. Leah Clearwater, we shall see, is the truly troubling part. Bella has a brief, shining moment defending the sisterhood, but immediately thereafter becomes the most manipulative she has ever been. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

I want to take a moment once again to endorse the vaguely threatening tumblr “Reasoning With Vampires” - the anonymous author over there is really stepping up his or her game. Check this out, for instance:

Chapter 18 (cont'd): Instruction

In the clearing, Bella bonds with Wolf-Jacob while the Cullens stare in disgust like they're watching a donkey show or something. Then Edward and Jacob start having some kind of telepathic argument. We only hear Edward's half until Jacob runs off into the woods to switch back into human form; Bella notes the cord securing the jorts to the wolf's leg. Why does S. Meyer feel like she has to have such rigid continuity when it comes to Jacob's clothes? Does she think our minds are constantly in the gutter?

Jacob returns, and Jasper comes back from getting blown by Alice in the woods, and there is a long conversation about what to do with Bella during the battle (which it turns out is happening on Saturday, incidentally the same day as the concert Bella was supposed to take Alice and Edward to. Well, thank god for that! We've been spared S. Meyer's description of the Linkin Park/Coldplay concert or whatever it was. Bella decides to subject Angela and Ben to it instead. The concert, not the description. There were only two tickets? So Bella wasn't going? Maybe Alice uninvited herself. Smart girl). The worry is that one of the newborns could slip out of the fray, wander into Forks, and kill her. After some various arguments, someone suggests that Jacob disguise Bella's scent by carrying her around the woods for a while. That is the most chaste and least fun way to disguise one's scent, you guys. But whatever. Jacob carries Bella off and around the woods for a while against her will (as if that part needs to be mentioned. Jacob doesn't do anything unless there is a woman who actively opposes it).

Alice and Jasper try to follow the trail Jacob leaves and can't pick up Bella's scent. Or they pretend to get lost so they can fuck. Jasper comes back with an idea that involves using Bella's scent to lead the Newborn Army directly into the clearing – Jacob will lead her back out so the trail will end there. Or something. Scent-science is kind of dubious. Jasper proposes that Bella actually be in the clearing, which would drive the newborns crazy and make them easy targets. Jacob and Edward are appalled. Alice steps on Jasper's foot (cute). Bella doesn't say anything.

Instead they decide Bella will be up on a mountain nearby, guarded by one of the newer wolves who's job is to basically be a walkie-talkie between Bella and the battle on the ground. Sure, that sounds like a foolproof plan that won't go wrong in any way! Edward and Jacob are both excited and grinning at each other. Now is the time to propose that threesome, Bella.

Chapter 19: Selfish

Bella wakes up in the afternoon – she slept all day. That is exactly what you should do the day after you graduate high school, but part of me wonders what Charlie thinks happened at that party. I don't know, which is worse: thinking your daughter was up all night doing blow off of Edward's chest between fucks or thinking she was helping to plan a violent battle between mythical creatures? It's probably a draw. Bella puts some Pop-Tarts in the toaster (I think the Pop-Tarts are supposed to be symbolic here. They're the breakfast of aimless post-grads!) and grimaces at herself in the “reflective chrome.” Well nobody looks good in a toaster, Bella.

Edward looks at Bella's wolf-charm danging from her wrist and needles her for a while about how he's not allowed to give her gifts. He wants equal representation on Bella's wrist. If you were hitting that, you wouldn't need a fucking charm to mark your territory, Bro-seph Gordon-Levitt! But anyway, he seems to get her to tentatively agree to receiving a “hand-me-down” gift from him sometime in the near future. When I was a kid I couldn't audibly separate the words in the phrase “hand me down” - the first few times I heard it, I heard it as “hamidown." That's life in New England, I suppose – people talk too fast so the new talkers have an extra handicap. Then we grow up and talk even faster than our parents and the cycle intensifies. I also used to think, until I was a teenager actually, that it was “for all intensive purposes.” Neither term made any sense to me until I realized which words they actually entailed – to discover each was revolutionary. Bella says something about how Edward has already given her himself (“Not really!”-Me, Alice Cullen, in unison) and that is enough of a gift (“[Barfs]”-Me, Alice Cullen, everyone, in unison).

He processed that for a moment, and then rolled his eyes. “The way you regard me is ludicrous.”

Now we're getting closer to gentle cadences of an earlier century, S. Meyer! Is it at all possible that "hand-me-down" is actually a sexual euphemism? Alice calls, and we gather that Bella has solidified her plans to intervene in the battle while sleeping. Some brain you got there, Bella. We don't get to hear what Alice is saying, unfortunately.

“I want you to choke that bitch, Edward. You need to send a fucking message. Break something she uses a lot. Okay, I gotta go, Jasper's giving me a hand-me-down."

But Edward tells Bella that Alice's vision was just of Bella stumbling around in the woods, lost. In other words, she would not have been successful. Bella counters that one possibility Alice could not have seen is utilizing Seth Clearwater, the young wolf on her detail, to find her way to the battle. There's a lot of complicated bullshit where Bella points out that Sam Uley would go along with Jasper's plan, but Edward says Jacob wouldn't, and informs Bella that Jacob is the second-in-command of the wolf-pack and that his orders have the full force of the law as well. Turns out Edward got quite the peek into the pack's hive mind last night. He starts cryptically laughing about how wolves get so surprised when their mythology turns out to be incorrect, and Bella is like, “just say it, you coy motherfucker.” Turns out there is a girl in the wolfpack now: Seth's sister and Sam's ex, Leah Clearwater. Well, how about that!

What could have been a kind of progressive turn for this book gets insulting almost immediately: Bella starts thinking about the heartbreak she's seen on Leah's face and realizes she is now privy to Sam's innermost thoughts. Her first thought is “Poor Leah.” Edward's first thought is “Leah is an unbelievable bitch.”

Edward snorted. “She's making life exceedingly difficult for the rest of them.”

There's a girl in the boy's club! Cooties! Ahhhhh! This conversation, in which Edward defends everything male and Bella speaks up for the ladiez (for once), would be perfectly fine if it didn't end with Edward being right. Because Leah is being a shrew. Why does the one girl have to be “deliberately malicious,” S. Meyer? She's rubbing Sam's face in his mistakes daily, as well as constantly bringing up the fact that (due to multiple secrets clumsily explicated here by Edward rather than in any sort of plot action) Embry is a bastard who's real father might be the father of one of his wolf-brothers. Hey, that's helpful, Leah. Hey, that's helpful, S. Meyer.

Edward agrees that Leah has reason to be upset, and compares the imprinting phenomenon to A Midsummer Night's Dream. I could take this time to talk about how seeing the magic spells in Midsummer as real is actually a kind of reductive, surface reading of the text – that Shakespeare was simultaneously mocking the idea of ascribing things to “magic” and undermining that line of thinking every step of the way, which is maybe something S. Meyer should be doing instead of insisting that imprinting is the be-all and end-all. But let's not do that and say we did.

Edward was right – this was exactly like a soap opera.

SHOW DON'T TELL, Bella. They leave this conversation before Leah can actually be redeemed; Bella tacitly agrees that she's a bitch and moves on. Okay, well, that was a troubling and sexist moment, but maybe we can move on and forget about it. Right, guys? Right? Bella starts insisting she be in the clearing, and when that doesn't work she tries something else. Uh oh.

It wasn't so much that I had to be in the clearing. I just had to be where Edward was.
Cruel, I accused myself. Selfish, selfish, selfish! Don't do it!
I ignored my better instincts. I couldn't look at him while I spoke, though. The guilt had my eyes glued to the table.
“Okay, look, Edward,” I whispered. “Here's the thing...I've already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are. And I can't stand it if you leave me again.”

Oy gevalt. She's invoking New Moon – trying to make Edward feel as guilty as possible. We've seen Bella be manipulative before, but it was always somewhat unknowing. This is some next-level shit; Bella's dark side has become self aware.

What is going on, S. Meyer? The women in this chapter are behaving so admirably! We even have Embry's mom cheating on her husband back there for texture and shading! Is it any wonder that Alice only appears over the phone? She had the good sense to stay away from this shit.

BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt. 24: Ecotone

Opposed though I am to the whole “vampire war” plot, the business of preparing for it is giving us some memorable scenes. Here, the Cullens and the werewolves get a lecture of sorts from Jasper, who is still the de-facto head of the Cullen family. The Cullens operate like the Romans or something – in times of trouble they throw democracy out the window and hand the reigns to a military strongman. Let's hope Jasper is more Caesar than Caligula. Though it would be kind of awesome if he made a horse into a vampire. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 18: Instruction

Bella leaves the party (I'm sure Jessica and Mike Newton are banging in the driveway but S. Meyer doesn't say so specifically) bothered by the Cullen family's victorious mood. Alice gets Jasper to mind-drug her and more or less shoves her out the door (“Don't need that buzzkill around”-Everyone). As Edward drives her home, Bella explores the depths of her guilty conscience. She can't bear that the Cullens are risking their lives for her, but seems to characterize that the werewolves are at risk too as even worse, a characterization I find profoundly arguable. Am I an asshole for thinking that I really wouldn't mind if a few of the wolves get offed in the battle? Strictly from a literary perspective, of course. Narratively speaking, we don't really need Embry. Story-wise, he's worth more to us dead than alive. In terms of dramatic stakes, mother fucker should get put on ice.

Bella's concerns are not shared by Edward, who at first won't even take her to the training session; she threatens to call Jacob and he backs down. She could get a lot of mileage out of that Jacob card if she wanted (“Fuck me or I'll fuck Jacob.”-Bella Swan). They go to Bella's place for a while anyway, presumably so that Bella can get some rest in the interval; Charlie is asleep on the couch and Bella has to guide him upstairs and into bed in a scene that would, out of context, make Charlie look like an alcoholic rather than the overgrown boy he actually is (I say overgrown boy in the best possible way). Then Edward waits in Bella's room while she goes and changes in the bathroom. Hold up. Edward, you are doing this wrong: a girl being okay with changing in front of you is one of the best parts of a long-term relationship. Make the most of the time you've been putting in, buddy! You've earned at least that!

Plus, rather than just letting Bella sleep for a while, he tries to convince her how easy the joint vampire-werewolf battle will be. It just makes her more nervous, though it's unclear if Bella is just being stubborn or it's a “protest too much” situation. Edward makes a kind of clever point when he mentions that the newborns will have “no more idea that werewolves exist than [Bella] did.” The idea of one mythological creature being surprised by the existence of another is an amusing gag, and hopefully S. Meyer will do more with it. Instead of listening or at least appreciating a semi-original premise, Bella starts thinking about how she might be able to “focus” her “bad luck” on herself rather than her family and friends. Huh, I wonder how she'll try and do that.

Edward takes Bella out to the Cullens' old baseball field, where the Cullens are all hanging out and laughing. I feel like this story would be a lot less irritating if it was told from, say, Emmett's perspective and Bella and Edward were the ones who dropped in from time to time. That's true of most media, I suppose: there are a million character actors who are more interesting than Brad Pitt, but Richard Jenkins only gets to helm a movie once or twice in a lifetime. A better analogue might be Michael Shannon – who is apparently on Boardwalk Empire (reason #9565 I should really get HBO) now, a show which is itself led by perennial character actor Steve Buscemi. Is it any wonder this show is so acclaimed? Anyway the only Cullen who looks bummed is Alice – Edward explains that she is uncomfortable because she can't “see” anything now that the wolves are involved. Alice overhears and Bella says she sticks her tongue out at Edward, which I imagine is actually just a piece of a much ruder gesture Bella is too modest to mention.

Bella gets a-thinking (there's a decent joke: Bella says “You know what I think?” and Edward laughs and says “No.” GET IT?), and tells Edward she thinks that Victoria is probably the one who is running this vampire army. She suddenly develops a remarkable talent for filling in plot holes; parts of this section read like a Stephenie Meyer interview:

Victoria had always seemed like a force of nature to me – like a hurricane moving toward the coast in a straight line – unavoidable, implacable, but predictable. Maybe it was wrong to limit her that way. She had to be capable of adaptation.

Edward acts as the voice of the reader, pointing out the aforementioned plot holes. Bella shoots them down like clay pigeons. PULL: How would Victoria even know how to create an army? BOOM: Bella points out that Edward tracked her to Texas last year before he lost her; she could have found out about newborn armies there. PULL: “Only Aro knows exactly how Alice's visions work,” Edward says. BOOM: Laurent used to live with Tanya and the gang, who would have known a bit about Alice's powers, and Laurent could have told Victoria. Well, that one is kind of a stretch! Also: wasn't a major plot point at the end of New Moon the fact that Aro had an imperfect understanding of Alice's visions? He assumed they were the whole truth, which is why he let Edward, Bella, and Alice go. But whatever!

Edward seems only mildly skeptical of Bella's conspiracy theory – he still primarily suspects the Volturi. Edward's got a problem with authority, huh? But he agrees that Victoria has “a remarkable gift for self-preservation,” suggesting that “maybe it's a talent of hers.” You're really pushing it with the super-powers these days, S. Meyer. First the vampire who “sees relationships” and now super-preservation powers? Next we're going to meet a vampire who is supernaturally good at canning foods (he almost died of Botulism as a human). To seal off this little meta-section, Edward notes that Bella is “very perceptive today.” This is the literary equivalent of a band-aid on a gaping ax wound. One character looks at another and says “Hey, you're acting different today!” ALL FIXED.

The wolfpack shows up, in wolf form, and it turns out there are ten of them now. Everyone is like, “shit.” Edward has to speak Sam Uley's thoughts out loud, and he apparently adopts Sam Uley's voice, or at least his Buddha-like affect. It's been oft-hinted that vampires are particularly good impressionists – remember that Alice did a mean Edward-voice in New Moon – what could the pseudo-scientific Meyerian explanation for that be? Do vampires need to make a lot of prank phone calls to ensure survival?

Carlisle briefly explains the brute-force-using, dim-witted ways of the newborns to the wolves, then yields the floor to Jasper. Remember who is in charge here, folks. Jasper doesn't mince words. The first rule of Newborn Fight Club is “don't let them get their arms around you.” Easy enough. Second rule: “don't go for the obvious kill.” They should all watch the Saw movies as research, then. Jasper points out that Emmett is the dumbest member of the family (basically) so the two of them spar while Jasper demonstrates technique. When Jasper wins, he calls Alice forward for the next round.

What follows is equal parts great and irritating. Alice uses her visions to predict Jasper's attacks, and thus she can stand nonchalantly with her eyes closed while sidestepping his every lunge so quickly that at first Bella can't tell she's moving. Pretty clever. And yet, the irritating dance metaphors accumulate with pants-shitting intensity. Bella says Alice “danced blithely” into the ring (a decent image – were it that it were the only one) and later, when Jasper intensifies this attacks, this happens:

She was dancing – spiraling and twisting, curling in on herself. Jasper was her partner, lunging, reaching through her graceful patterns, never touching her, like every movement was choreographed.

WE GET IT: DANCER. Alice is suddenly laughing, perched on Jasper's back, and she kisses him on the throat. Everything that is wrong and terrible about Bella and Edward is right and wonderful about Alice and Jasper. But instead of seeming like a deliberate study in opposition, these two just make our heroes look worse by comparison. It should make Bella and Edward more interesting for their flaws, but instead it just makes them more irritating. Anyway, Alice walks out of the ring while the wolves make “wary” noises. Yeah, you better be scared!

Edward goes next, and Alice sidles up to Bella. She's seen that Bella's been considering some kind of vague plan to sacrifice herself, and Alice shuts that shit down real fast. She whispers a threat in Bella's ear: “I've got my eye on you.” Slap some sense into her Alice!

Edward walked away, and suddenly my face was slamming into the nearest tree trunk. Alice pulled me back by my hair and hissed into my ear, “What kind of bullshit are you trying to pull, cunt?”
“Nothing!” I sputtered. She smashed me against the tree again. Blood ran down my face.
“Keep it that way, motherfucker,” she said in a low voice, licking my face and then letting me collapse on the ground.

After Jasper spars with every member of his family, he calls practice for the night. Thanks, coach! The wolves ask (through Edward) if they can pick up the scent of each family member so they can avoid friendly fire deaths later. Yeah, I'm sure that's why, perverts. The wolves come forward and Bella finally sees them – she notices the new, gangly ones. Gangly wolves? The CGI artists for Eclipse read this chapter and they were like “FUUUUUUCK.” Then Bella sees the Jacob-Wolf.

His stance was casual, somehow exuding nonchalance over what the rest obviously considered an ordeal.

I think you're over anthropomorphizing the wolf, Bella. And then Jacob apparently grins (“FUUUUUUCK.”-CGI dudes)? Jacob-Wolf trots over to where Bella is standing and lowers his head and they have this weird Free Willy moment where Bella pets him and there is some kind of connection. But then he licks her face. Even Jacob-Wolf can't keep his fucking mouth to himself.

WRITING ECLIPSE: After The Party

Dr. Carlisle Cullen paced around his study. “When did Alice say we could come out?” he asked for the fifth time.

“She said thirty-six hours. That's in two hours now,” his wife, Esme, replied with more than a little irritation.
“Thirty-six hours?” Carlisle repeated incredulously. “Does she really think the humans can celebrate for that long?”
“She said she would ensure it, somehow. Carlisle, I swear if the DEA gets involved again, I don't know what I'll –”
“I paid them off, I told you. The file on Alice has been destroyed.” Carlisle eyed the clock nervously.
“These children deserve their party,” Esme said gently.
“I know, but I'm worried. The music stopped a while ago.” Carlise's forehead wrinkled.
“They're probably playing Spin The Bottle,” Esme said wryly.
“Esme, you know our children. Kissing hasn't done it for them for a while.”
“That reminds me,” Esme said. “Alice was telling me about this new kind of sex involving mouths. I was thinking maybe we could –”
“Not right now dear, I'm not in the mood.” Carlisle tapped his foot impatiently.
Esme picked up a book.

Emmett Cullen and Jasper Whitlock wiped the dried blood off of their faces and looked at each other guiltily.
“Look on the bright side,” Emmett was saying. “We've been tied down by the same women for a long time. At least we know we still got it.”
“'Monogamy' is not in Alice's vocabulary, Emmett,” Jasper sighed. “I haven't been tied down.”
“Don't rub it in.”
Jasper grinned, then sighed. “This...seduction was too easy. These girls were so eager, I literally undressed them with a look.”
“I don't think you mean literally. Anyway it was still fun, wasn't it?”
“Yes,” Jasper conceded wistfully. “The family's going to be quite angry, of course.” He kicked aside what was left of Angela's head and looked around for his pants.
“We should burn down this house, probably. Too much evidence.” Emmett gestured at the carpets, thick with blood, to emphasize his point.
“And probably leave the country,” Jasper said bitterly. “Alice always liked Rio this time of year. She'll understand.”
“Are there any females left in the graduating class?” Emmett looked sheepishly at the torn up bodies scattered on and around the furniture.
“Bella,” Jasper pointed out. “That might be it. Not that many juniors, even. I told some of the younger girls to go home.”
“Why!?” Emmett demanded.
“Not my style,” Jasper said.
“Why did we have to get carried away?” Emmett said, suddenly overcome with remorse. “We could have just given them a good time and sent them home to their boyfriends. We didn't have to kill all of them.”
“You always say that,” Jasper sighed.

Bella Swan sighed and stared at the perfect angel in bed next to her. She couldn't believe the pills Alice had given her had worked. A vampire, asleep! Well, Edward wasn't asleep exactly. Parts of his body were very much awake. The important parts were up (Bella giggled at her mental turn of phrase); his brain was out cold.

It was nice to see his face was so smooth, expressionless. None of that angst and worry. None of that stupid concern for Bella's virginal purity. She hated that righteous look he'd get on his face when he told her to wait. No more of that, she laughed to herself.

Bella knew she'd ask Alice for more pills soon. She wondered how much Edward would remember, and if she had enough time for another round before he came to.

Alice Cullen couldn't help but a feel a little uncomfortable on the Reservation, but it had been worth the risk. Crossing the shed in her red leather pants and surveying the three sleeping men warily, she finally found her red sequined shirt. It had been torn to pieces. Oh well. It wasn't as though she'd have worn it again anyway, and if need be she was confident she could find a scrap of cloth with which to cover up for the trip home.

Not that the denizens of La Push were much for wearing clothes. Last night, Alice had been a little disappointed. No straps or chains or anything to contend with, just three pairs of jorts. Alice suppressed a shudder, just as she had then. She sat on the floor of Jacob's garage and tried again to light the peace pipe she'd found in Jacob's glove box. It was cashed. “What the fuck!” she exclaimed, tossing it across the room.
Just then, Jacob Black sat up and rubbed his eyes. He focused on the smiling vampire in front of him, then at his pack brothers scattered around the room, still snoring.
“What did we do last night?” he asked her, pale with shock.
“The better question is 'what didn't we do?'” Alice grinned, stretching.

BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt. 23: A Wolf At The Door (It Girl. Rag Doll.)

I had a dream last night that I was a vampire at a vampire school where Voldemort was the headmaster and Anna Kendrick was one of the other students. My life is fucked up. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 17 (con't): Alliance

At the party, Bella begrudgingly socializes while Edward clings silently and ragefully to her arm. How must that look? People probably think Edward is either way too protective or an agoraphobe or like, Bella's weird (un)dead fetal twin. Talk to someone, dude! It's a party! He suddenly disappears, as if taking my advice, and Bella scours the crowd for him while ignoring Jessica. I'd assumed we were done with Jessica as a character, and we probably are despite this little coda; she doesn't even have any quoted dialogue in this scene – our narrator just tells us she's talking. Bella finally spots Edward talking to someone and realizes it's Alice when the lights reflect off her sequined shirt. See, that is why you don't wear sequins. Okay, that's not why.

By the time Bella gets to where Edward and Alice were, only Alice is left. Her face is “blank” and she is gripping the door frame for support. When Alice and Edward had their heads bent together, is Bella sure they were talking?

Whatever happened, Bella doesn't get a chance to find out. The doorbell rings and Alice looks up “with a puzzled expression that quickly turned into one of disgust.” Those facial expressions are very much in Ashley Greene's wheelhouse. (“I got this.”-Ashley Greene). Jacob has arrived at the party. Alice tells Bella to deal with it and takes off. Bella's so frustrated, she actually swears(!):

“Damn it!” I grumbled.

She doesn't answer the doorbell but Jacob, with Quil and Embry, very tentatively enters the party anyway. Bella blows off Jacob's greeting (he's still across the room, but the geography of this scene is, as always, vague) and continues to look for Alice, but Jacob finds her and pulls her forcibly from the crowd. Oh boy, we're off to a great start! I'll give Jacob a little credit – when he grabs Bella's chin to better get her attention (shudder) she tells him to keep his hands to himself, and he immediately stops and apologizes for everything. Then Bella still tries to get away from him, and he says “I guess you'd rather be with your real friends,” sulking like a little boy. That's ordinarily low, Jacob, but for you it's progress.

It works on Bella, and he gives her a gift that seals the deal. There's some bland “white girl doesn't understand other cultures” humor (which is pretty advanced for S. Meyer, I suppose) when Jacob hands her a woven bag in which the gift is contained and Bella assumes the bag is the gift. But really it's a hand carved bracelet-charm of a wolf, carved out of “some red-brown wood that matched the color of [Jacob's] skin.” NEVER FORGET: JACOB IS ETHNIC. Anyway, Jacob made the charm himself. The combination of a homemade gift and an exotic origin (tradition passed down from Native American father to son) makes Bella unbelievably horny. There's a sexually charged scene where Bella thinks Jacob's “big fingers” aren't going to be able to get the bracelet fastened, but he gets it in easily (you're welcome).

But Bella can't be distracted for too long, and Jacob realizes that something is up. He demands to know the deal – recall that he doesn't know about the vampire army or anything – and Bella tries to plead ignorance. Jacob and his boys gang up on her, literally backing her into a corner. Very symbolic, and also hot. Bella sees Alice coming down the stairs and calls her over. “She put her arm around my waist,” Bella says. That's easily my favorite sentence from his book so far. Several more awesome things happen at once. Alice tries to pull Bella away, saying “I need to talk to you” which I assume is code for “let's go have sex in my room,” and Jacob extends an arm to block their way.

Alice stared up at him, eyes wide and incredulous. “Excuse me?”

Finally, a reasonable reaction to this shit! (I think it's interesting to read this series as a battle between S. Meyer's better angels and worst impulses. Lately I've been seeing it that way instead of just assuming that our dear author is literally insane. Alice and a few other characters seem to be actively pushing against the reprehensible current of the rest of the book, and if I didn't know better I'd assume Alice was the creation of an editor or something. But this book was clearly not edited by anyone.) Jacob growls at Alice, and Jasper appears “quite literally out of nowhere.” Jasper and slight misuses of “literally” are (literally) like peanut butter and jelly in this book. He literally gets between Jacob and his woman, “his expression terrifying.” But Alice really listens when Jacob says the wolfpack has a “right to know.” So thoughtful, that girl. She informs everyone (everyone in their little circle, that is. There is a lot of hay made out of the fact that this conversation is taking place in the middle of a party, but no one overhears them or anything so Bella's constant reminders to the reader are really sort of frivolous) that a decision has been made, and the vampire army is going to march on Forks; they have Casus Bella, so to speak.

The Cullens aren't going to have time to launch Operation Bite, Shock, and Awe as originally planned. They'll try to cut off the advancing troops, but Alice seems to think some of them will get as far as Forks. Bella looks around the room at her dancing classmates and sees a bunch of doomed bloodbags; she starts ranting about sacrificing herself (hey, has this motif about self-sacrifice been set up enough for you yet? No?) until Jacob finally interrupts and asks what they are even talking about. What took so long for Jacob to ask a question? I know Alice is pretty and all, but focus! Alice clarifies about the newborn army, how they have a disadvantage numbers-wise but not skills-wise. Jasper literally says it will be an even fight.

“No,” Jacob said, and a strange, fierce half-smile spread across his face. “It won't be even.”
“Excellent!” Alice hissed.

The wolfpack is going to join the fight. Duh. Alice is grateful for the influx of new man-meat. Her vision of the conflict disappears as soon as Jacob speaks, but she's cool with it this time (“Que sera sera, man.”-Alice Cullen). Jacob and Alice practically start fucking they are so excited, and even Jasper seems (literally) enthusiastic (“I'll watch!”-Jasper Whitlock). Bella is not so pumped. She keeps shouting “No!” and trying to fight back the tide while everyone strategizes around her. Jasper says this vampire-werewolf coalition will (literally) be “a first.” Well, okay, but they have already been cooperating as a part of Bella's security detail, Jasper! That's why this revelation, despite Alice and Jacob's enthusiasm, feels particularly unsurprising.

Can I just say how dumb and out of place I think this whole army plot is? It's like S. Meyer is trying to slip some J.R.R. Tolkien shit on us. An army is marching on Forks? Isn't this series supposed to be about interpersonal (and intermonsternal) dynamics? Why so much military history and strategy as of late, then? It's probably just to postpone the fucking; S. Meyer is running out of ways to keep these characters out of each other's pants. And war is a fairly predictable side-effect of sexual frustration, is it not? That's why the Swedes never fight. So I guess it works, on that level.

But I'm dreading this whole approaching war not because I'm particularly worried about any of the characters (except Alice), but because I'm sure S. Meyer is going to half-ass it, or find some way to not write about it at all. Bella will fall asleep like Bilbo in The Hobbit or some stupid shit like that. Am I the only person who feels like I'm watching someone write a check they can't cash?

While we're complaining, proponents of the "Bella is a passive cipher" school of thought have a lot of ammo here. Alice, Jacob, and Jasper talk business while Bella impotently pleads with Jacob to stay out of it, to save himself. I like the spirit of the gesture, but Bella looks very weak-willed and ineffective (especially compared to the awesome angry psycho we got in the last few chapters). Alice practically tells her to go play and let the adults talk. Also, shouldn't she be strapping a sword on Jacob and buying Alice and Jasper cruise tickets? They make plans to meet that night after the party is over, and Bella again tries to plead with Jacob to stay out of it. Jacob tells her to shut up, basically.

“No!” I shouted again. The sound of an electric guitar drowned my cry.

What in the? Is that supposed to be a serious moment?