Chapter 5: Isle Esme
Edward and Bella board a series of flights: Seattle to Houston, Houston to Rio De Janeiro. Bella wonders where they could be going, especially when they get in a cab in Rio instead of boarding another plane. She assumes they are just stopping for the night and getting a hotel, and feels “something very close to stage fright” as she realizes that means it's time to fuck. (Of course, that part is still only implied. Like Bella and Edward, S. Meyer is putting off “sex” until the last possible moment. I feel like her honeymoon probably wasn't very good.)
But instead of a hotel, the cab takes them to the docks, and Edward loads Bella and her baggage (both literal and figurative) onto a small yacht. As they head out on the Atlantic Ocean, Bella wonders where they could be going and briefly fears they are headed to Africa. Ostensibly this worries her because she doesn't want to “live on this small craft for any length of time” but really it's because of all the black people, right Bella? Admit it.
If you want it bad enough, there's a lot of sexual imagery in this chapter. The plane ride is “long but comfortable.” On the docks, the boat Edward puts Bella in is “smaller than the others,” but “sleeker” and “more graceful than the rest.” It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean, right Edward? Once he starts piloting the boat/penis metaphor, Bella notes his skill and realizes that he is “good at just about everything.” Wishful thinking, Bella. Edward is going to be as bad at sex as you will be (unless he's been reading Jasper's thoughts while he fucks Alice. Shudder). As the boat “plunge[s] through the waves,” Bella gets “showered with sea spray” in an especially charged image.
Edward points out an island in the distance-- well, at first Bella describes an “irregular triangle” with “feathery” edges. What is wrong with Bella's brain? (Unless that's supposed to be like, a vaginal image? It's possible.) Anyway it's an island, which Edward tells her is “Isle Esme.” First of all: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Second of all: what? Third of all: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Who gives an island as a gift? I frowned. I hadn't realized that Edward's extreme generosity was a learned behavior.
Either that or Carlisle fucked up BIG TIME a while back. All Kobe had to do was get a big-ass ring for his wife, and he (allegedly) raped someone! I can't even imagine the heinous shit Carlisle was up to to have to buy Esme a damn ISLAND. I mean, I can, but I'll spare you. Alice probably had a hand in it, maybe literally.
Bella gets out soaking wet (from THE SEA SPRAY, get your mind out of the gutter) and listens to the waves “slapping lightly” against the boat, in another symbolic preview of things to cum-- I mean come. The air, Bella says, is “warm, moist, and fragrant.” Jesus. Edward carries Bella to a small house and she practically has a panic attack when he penetrates the threshold (OF THE HOUSE). The house apparently has the same bland, IKEA-display-circa-2001 style of Chez Cullen, and there's a huge white (natch) bedroom with a big white bed in the center. The bedroom is warm, “too warm,” and Edward explains that he had that done on purpose. “I thought... that would be best,” he says. “You're about to have a Popsicle in your vagina.” I mean, he doesn't say that, but that is literally the idea.
Edward asks if Bella would like to go for a “midnight swim” with him. These two really behave like 17 and 18 year olds, delaying sex all the time like this. When I was seventeen I was always trying to put off sex (sarcasm)! She says yes, and he heads to the beach while she heads to the bathroom.
On the way, he shrugged out of his shirt, dropping it on the floor, and then slipped through the door into the moonlit night.
I can't even let S. Meyer build up sexy anticipation because there is just NO WAY that anything sexy is actually going to happen. It's impossible, this is Twilight. I read stuff like that and I'm just like “Ha ha, nice try Stephenie.” But it electrifies Bella, who accidentally kind of sounds like she's checking for an STD already.
Did my skin burst into flames? I had to look down to check.
Whoops. Bella goes to her suitcase, looking for something like “a pair of old sweats.” What a seductress! But all she can find is lingerie “with French tags.” Alice packed her bags, remember? Nicely done, Alice. A little creepy you're trying to find the best way to turn your brother on, though. (You know how Alice designed Bella's wedding dress around Edward's taste? Same deal here, you think? Is it like, a lacy burka?) Bella looks out the bathroom window for Edward but can only see his clothes swaying on a tree branch. ALL OF HIS CLOTHES. BECAUSE HE'S NAKED.
A rush of heat flashed across my skin again.
Do you need a minute? I'll wait. Okay. Bella gets in the shower and shaves her legs again. How fast does Bella's body hair grow? Yikes. She gets out of the shower and wonders what to wear. The lingerie freaks her out too much and, unable to make a decision, she has a meltdown on the bathroom floor and puts her head between her legs, in another image that could potentially be sexual if it wasn't so pathetic. S. Meyer is clearly pleased with her stage fright comparison from earlier because she rolls it out again:
This felt exactly like having to walk out in front of a theater full of people with no idea what my lines were.
“How did people do this?” Bella asks. “Swallow [wait for it!] all their fears and trust someone else so implicitly with every imperfection and fear they had?” Luckily Bella gets her shit together and heads to the beach in her towel. She spots Edward waist deep in the water and looks him over, admiring “the shape of him.” I thought he was waist deep in the water? Is he... already? Bella takes off her towel and walks naked to the water. Edward doesn't turn around. Why wouldn't you turn around? He waits until she's waist deep and next to him before he looks at her and dismisses her claim that the beach and the moonlight are beautiful. “Not with you standing here in comparison.” So Edward is a tits man! I wouldn't have guessed that. It doesn't stay sexy for too long:
“If... if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once.”
Well, those are two different things, Edward. You might do something wrong without HURTING her, and you might hurt her in a way that's oh-so-right, you know what I mean? John Mellencamp knows what I mean. Anyway, it's totally unsexy to negotiate like this right when you're getting started; they should have established a safe word on the plane and been done with it.
Edward wraps his arms around Bella when she tells him not to be afraid and that they belong together. In a parting sexually charged image, he pulls her “deeper” into the water. And then...
...we cut to the next morning. HA! TOLD YA!