WRITING TWILIGHT: Bella Swan Gets Hit By A Car, Or Something

I've been honing my writing skills for my inevitable foray into the online world of Twilight Fan Fiction. Today I present you with my tribute to Stephenie Meyer's gift for writing action scenes, which we have discussed before. Previous attempts can be found in the directory.

"Bella Swan Gets Hit By A Car, Or Something."

Bella Swan went to gym elated. Edward had briefly touched the back of her neck after Biology, so the whole act of changing in the locker room was fraught with erotic tension. She thought about asking the girl next to her if she liked her bra in the hopes that Edward was reading the girl’s thoughts, but realized quickly such an act might send mixed signals. When she and Edward had met Alice in the parking lot earlier that day, Alice had greeted her so enthusiastically that she’d kissed Bella on the mouth and shoved her tongue down Bella’s throat. Edward had stiffened at Bella’s side. She didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. Was Alice a lesbian? Bella wondered. Did vampire gay-marriage work the same as human marriage? How did two girls even get married? Bella thought. It doesn’t seem like the…parts would fit together. Bella’s parents had really botched the whole “birds and bees” thing.

Charlie had taken Bella aside one summer and tried to explain the whole thing. “Bella,” he said, “when boys reach your age, they become like bees. And you’re average bee, he wants to run around putting his stinger in every little big-titted flower he sees and shooting his pollen on the flower’s face. But he shouldn’t do that, and if a bee ever asks you if he can, tell me and I’ll kill him.” He looked at her sternly. “Even if he’s a bee in a famous rock band or something, okay?”

That fall, her mother had tried again. “Bella,” she started. “According to the Bible, when a bee meets a bird he loves, he asks her to marry him, so they can make other birds and bees in bed. That’s what marriage is. It takes place in a bed, and you can’t do it until you are married or you will die and go to hell. Marriage is very important to Jesus, and he will be watching you sleep every night making sure you don’t marry anyone or yourself until the time is right.”
“Mom,” Bella replied. “If marriage is so important to Jesus, why did you and Dad get divorced?"
“Well, there are a lot of bees out there,” Bella’s mom said. “And some bees are in rock bands and they play drums very well, and they’re only in town for one night, and they have a tour bus. And some other bees drive police cars and pull over the first bee’s tour bus on a routine traffic violation but board the bus when they think they hear the voice of their bird and they find that bird with two other bees on a leather couch. But you’re right. Marriage is important, which is why next summer you have to get your father to sign those annulment papers.”

Bella went to gym remembering these conversations and feeling a little confused. They were playing Jai Alai that day, so she tried to put the marriage stuff out of her head so she could concentrate and not end up with a broken nose or anything. It seemed like a really dangerous game to be playing at school; she couldn’t imagine how the gym teacher had gotten clearance for such a thing. Did this class even have a teacher? Bella couldn’t remember hearing about one.

Soon Mike was calling to her. “Bella!” he called out, “want to go smoke a doobie?”
“Sure!” she said, stepping with him out the back door of the gym into the rear parking lot. “What’s a doobie?”
“Marijuana!” Mike said cheerfully. “Drugs!”
“Oh, great, I could use some drugs,” Bella said. Her parents had been so discouraged by their attempted lessons on the birds and the bees that they hadn’t even bothered with drugs or racism. “I didn’t know you smoked doobies, it’s like you’re a negro rapper or something!”
“Yeah,” Mike said, producing a marijuana cigarette. “This is a normal high school, right? It would be weird if you didn’t know anyone who did drugs, so why shouldn’t it be me?” He took a puff and handed it to Bella.
“That’s realistic,” she choked as she exhaled.

Just then, suddenly a car came careening through the parking lot, out of control, careening toward Bella. Several things happened in a few seconds. Mike yelled “Oh snap!” and dove back into the gym, locking the door behind him. The driver of the car, obviously panicked and obviously Tyler, dove out of the driver’s seat and hit a nearby dumpster head first, which knocked him unconscious. Bella noticed the car stereo was blaring music from an alternative band whose CD she had listened to once and sort of liked. She was filled with terror and also hunger. The car was still careening toward her.

Suddenly Edward shot by in a blur, and then the car was flying through the air. Bella was knocked to the ground by some force. The car crashed into the wall of the school, high in the air over Bella’s head. Then it was falling down, at her. Bella felt herself get pulled abruptly out of the way as the rear of the car crunched against the pavement. Bella stared up at the chassis looming over her like an obelisk of death, the tires spinning in the air. It had landed only a foot from her and was now sticking up out of the pavement like it had careened out of the earth’s core. Then it was suddenly tipping over and falling at her again. Bella felt herself lifted high in the air. She landed roughly on the roof of the school. Edward was still moving around in a blur. The car landed, righting itself with a crunch, then went roaring toward another wall of the school. It hit the brick wall in a terrifying head-on collision, then shot up into the air. The car landed suddenly on the roof of the school, and it was coming at Bella yet another time. Thinking quickly, she dove off the roof just before the car hit her. But it followed her off, careening over the edge. So Bella was falling, and the car was falling at her, both of them in midair. Right before she hit the ground, Bella was hit from the side by some force.

She thought it was Edward, but it was Tyler, in another car he’d stolen trying to escape the scene and had subsequently lost control of. Bella had landed on the hood. But then she was swept off the hood, just as Tyler’s car crashed into a wall and he went headlong through the windshield, hitting the bricks of the school face first. His car careened backwards, leaving him a bloody heap on the ground. Edward carried Bella a few feet away and dropped her roughly on the ground before disappearing again in a blur. By now the first car had crashed into the ground, just in time for the other car to crash into it, and just as Tyler was getting to his feet he was engulfed in a massive explosion. Tires and shrapnel were flying at Bella with a devastating velocity. Suddenly she was being moved again, as Edward had appeared in front of her and sent her flying backwards with a swipe of his arm. Bella flew through the air and crashed through the windshield of a parked Volvo C30, unharmed except for all the broken glass which had cut her in forty or fifty places. Also both of her legs were broken from sometime earlier. It wasn’t really clear what had happened. Tyler’s skeleton landed on the street next to her with a sharp crack. Edward appeared, looking down at Bella who was now lying in a pretty large puddle of blood.

“Thank god you’re okay,” Edward said.
“What the fuck happened?” Bella asked angrily.
“Nothing. That car almost hit you and I pulled you out of the way.”
“No,” Bella said, spitting blood on the dash. “A lot more than that happened. At least two cars crashed multiple times. Stop being all cryptic and shit. I thought we were past this.”
“Bella, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Edward said with a smile.
“Fuck you,” Bella said as she lost consciousness.