WRITING NEW MOON: Jacob Black Pretends To Be Gay

From time to time, I've decided to hone my Fan Fiction skills for my eventual foray into the ever-popular, ever-horny Twilight Online Fan Fiction Community. I hope by the time I finish blogging this whole series people will still be writing fan fiction. How many masturbatory fantasies can Bella have within the timeline of this series? She only has so much time to masturbate between classes! So here's one, which essentially serves as an alternate version of chapter seven in New Moon, which we just talked about.

Previous entries can be found in the directory.

"Jacob Black Pretends To Be Gay"

“This is a stupid plan,” Quil said. “You are fucking stupid.”
“No, no. It’s brilliant.” Jacob paced back and forth across the shed.
“You know where this is going to end, right? It’s going to end with you kissing a guy.”
“It is going to end with me having sex with Bella, is how it is going to end. And then we’re going to get married, and we’re going to start a family.”

Quil leaned against Jacob's car. “Why does your mind always go there right away? Shouldn’t you say like, ‘we’ll have sex, and then she’ll get addicted to the taste of my cum, and then our sex life will get so wild and imaginative that they will have to rewrite the Kama Sutra based on our innovations’?”
“Why do you say things like that?” Jacob said.
“Uh, because I am a guy and I am straight and when I like a girl I don’t immediately start thinking about going steady and fucking giving her my fucking varsity jacket and knocking her up and getting married growing old together, dude,” Quil said. He thought about that for a minute. “Maybe you are gay, like for real. Your fantasies are really gay."
“I’m not,” Jacob said. “Believe me, I’m not.”
“But you’re about to tell Bella that you are.”
“Yes, because then like, we can go shopping together, and Bella will need my help in the changing room, and that sort of thing.”
“And that sort of thing? I can’t think of any other scenario, and even then the best you are going to see is some bra or some panties. No offense, but Bella is not the thong type.”
“Yeah, because she is classy.” Jacob said defensively.
“Because she is a prude. Otherwise you totally would have at least gotten a handjob by now.” Quil made a gesture illustrating the act for some reason.
“I told you I almost did.” Jacob mumbled.
“Right, you were in the garage and Bella’s hand brushed your cock when she was reaching for a soda. That does not count. And I’m not kidding—can you think of another time where Bella thinking you were gay would lead to anything good?”
“Slumber parties,” Jacob said simply.
“What?” Quil said.
“I was thinking we could have slumber parties, and like, watch romantic comedies together. And have pillow fights and one thing would… lead to another.”
“Dude, are you like, writing like, a porn movie for pedophiles or something? What would it lead to? A debate about whether Matthew McConaughey is sexy or not?”
“I thought maybe eventually Bella would want to practice… you know, stuff, and she could on me, because it would be safe.”
“That is never going to happen. You are fucking insane.”
“We’ll see I guess,” Jacob said threateningly.
“Yeah, we really will.”

***

Bella Swan really didn’t know what the fuck she was doing here. She’d driven up the narrow forest path a few feet at a time, stopping occasionally to steady her nerves with a slug of amber liquid from the bottle of Jack she’d stolen from Charlie’s liquor cabinet. The Cullen house was still there, and when she saw it Bella felt like an idiot for ever feeling different. It wasn’t like she’d dreamt up the whole last fucking year of her life. Of course Edward and his family were real. She wasn’t on drugs. Not yet, anyway.

All this time she’d likened Edward to a drug—they were each other’s own brand of heroin. Now Jacob was like, her Quaaludes or something, or her maybe her methadone, weaning her from one addiction and pushing her on to the next. And Bella was getting addicted, and that was not fair to Jacob. She needed something else, something to protect her from the hole in her chest at night that wouldn't hurt anyone else. This bourbon is doing a pretty good fucking job, Bella thought. That was the ticket. What she needed was a real addiction, not another tenuous metaphor. She knew exactly where to go, what she had to do. It was lucky she'd come out here after all. She opened the truck door and almost fell on her face. The ground got there so fucking fast! Holy shit!

The door to the Cullen house was unlocked, and Bella let herself in. It looked like they’d taken a few of their belongings and left the rest behind. Alice probably would have seen this, right? Alice would have left Bella something. She climbed the stairs to Alice and Jasper's bedroom. That was a bit of a misnomer, actually they didn’t have a bed; in the center of the room was a leather swing attached with chains to the ceiling, facing a full-length mirror. Bella had never asked what it was for, but she’d had a pretty good idea. Sitting there on the swing was a suitcase with a note. It read, simply:

Everything in moderation, bitch.-Alice

Inside was a kilo of cocaine.

***

Jacob paced around in his shed. Where the heck was Bella? He’d kicked out Quil an hour ago, expecting her any minute. He was getting worried. He sat down on the floor to steady his nerves, but soon he could the familiar roar of Bella’s truck. He jumped up, excited, but then he realized he was a little too excited and should probably wait a minute before he went outside. Think of Quil, he thought. That worked.

HOLY SHIT HOW DID THIS TRUCK GET SO FAST? Bella thought, brushing the flakes of blood from her nose. WHERE THE FUCK AM I EVEN? WHERE THE FUCK IS JACOB’S HOUSE? All of these fucking Indian houses looked the same everyone was so fucking poor and shit these motherfuckers should grow some pot on their land and sell it or something Bella would totally buy that shit she bet it would be good weed because Indians knew how to fucking plant shit they even taught the settlers and everything right? She was out of the car before she really understood how and Jacob was coming out from behind the house glowing like he was a FUCKING ANGEL.

“Holy shit,” Bella said. “I feel so alive, can we ride those fucking motorcycles yet?”
“What? No, Bella they’re not ready. Are you okay?”
“Okay? Jacob, I am so much more than fucking OKAY. I am fucking GOLD. I am SOLID GOLD, motherfucker, okay? Let’s go fuck some shit up. Let’s go trash Sam Uley’s house, because FUCK HIM, man, am I right? FUCK SAM ULEY! Yeah hahaha!”
“Actually Bella, I uh, I really need to talk to you,” Jacob said.
“Okay okay okay okay we can talk. That’s great, Jake, that is great. I like to talk. I talk like, all of the time. I think a talk would be amazing where should we talk?”
“In my shed,” Jacob said, still looking at her curiously. “Are you hungry?”
“Oh, god no. I am not hungry at ALL. I don’t ever even want to eat again. I could really use a smoke though do you have a cigarette?”
“Uh, no Bella, I don’t smoke.”
“I thought you fuckers grew tobacco or some shit? You don’t even have a peace pipe we can smoke?”
“Bella, that is racist. Are you trying to upset me?”
“No, Jake, no no no no no no no no no. Of course not. Let’s go to the shed.”

On the walk over, which felt like it took a FUCKING HOUR Bella’s legs felt so weird she thought about her friend Jacob. He was hot she realized definitely pretty hot. She’d been so cruel to him using his attraction to her to keep him around just so she could forget about Edward. Edward what an asshole that guy was where was he even? Fuck him and fuck being mean to Jacob seriously fuck it. Maybe she should just fuck Jake and get it over with he deserved it she had been such a tease and he was hot so whatever. Bella concluded that it would be a great idea to fuck Jake and she decided to do it. She was trying to get her shirt off but she couldn’t find the buttons anywhere when he started talking.

“Bella, I have been having these… strange feelings lately.”
“Uh huh.”
“And well, I guess being around you made those feelings more complicated.”

Bella was pretty sure she knew where this was going she gave up on her shirt and switched to her pants. She would have been able to take them off but her hands were shaking. Why am I so…why shaking? She thought. Maybe she should…say…something…to Jake… before he went through all this… she should just tell him to fuck…
“Bella, I’m gay,” Jacob said, trying to look as serious as possible.

Bella’s hands dropped to her sides, then touched her waist, then rose to her face, then she looked away for a second and muttered a curse word.

“Bella?” Jacob looked at her curiously again. What was going on with her today?

Bella burst out laughing.
Jacob wasn’t even really gay, and still, he was offended. “Bella!” he admonished.
Bella tried to say something, but blood was gushing out of her nose now and so she just made gargling sounds.
“Bella I am trying to be serious,” he said. "Whoa, are you bleeding?"
Bella collapsed in another fit of giggles and blacked out.