BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt. 21: On And Ever Onward

Now that I've finished calling S. Meyer morally bankrupt and evil, let me say that the next chapter is fucking great. It is by turns funny, tense, and heartwarming in ways that feel relatively organic. Alice still carries half of the weight, but other characters step up too. It's great stuff. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 16: Epoch

We skip ahead to the morning of graduation. S. Meyer rather perfectly captures (!) the way these sort of landmarks sneak up on you: graduation has been lingering in the background of this story for a while, and now it has not-at-all-gradually arrived. I didn't realize she was doing it until now, but S. Meyer really got it right, and the long and maddening chapter with Jacob ends up being worthwhile at least in terms of being a distraction-device. Because in life, graduation is this far away thing you're always thinking about, and by thinking about it you manage to keep it at a distance. As soon as you let your guard down and forget about it, it's there. It happened to me twice, and it happens to Bella and by extension the reader – on a semi-meta-textual level – here. I promise to never use the term “semi-meta-textual” again (I'll also never start another sentence with “Because in life...”) but did it feel like that to anyone else?

I guess I didn't really expect Bella's graduation to come until the end of this series, or at the very least the end of this book. To wait would be cliché, but it's one of those clichés we expect and permit. How many seasons of Friends end with a wedding? I know it's not all ten seasons, but it feels like it. Ending on a milestone, any milestone, is a cliché, but it isn't one we've gotten over – it's a major American storytelling trope to this day. I just started watching the sixth season of The Office, and Jim & Pam's wedding happens in the fourth episode. It struck me as progressive and daring, but of course the previous season ends with Pam getting pregnant. So maybe it's a wash. The point is, I'm giving S. Meyer even more credit here: Bella is graduating from high school, and we've still got a book and a half to go! Where are we going from here?

So it's the morning of graduation, and Bella has nothing to wear. Above lamentations of cliché aside, isn't it fun to see Bella having normal teenage problems? Nothing to wear! Bella being someone who abhors teenage life, her very presence ends up making a situation like this seem mildly subversive – I hope there is a chapter in Breaking Dawn where she gets stuck in an elevator or something. Am I confusing Bella with Daria now? I guess if Edward had his wits about him he would have told Bella that getting married right out of high school is, in this day and age, a kind of bold and original gesture. I doubt she'd have bought that though. So Bella's got clothes spread all over her room, looking for a perfect top to go with her khaki skirt (Well there's your problem, Bella). She thinks about the red blouse that was stolen and realizes it would be perfect.

“Stupid, thieving, annoying vampire!” I growled.
“What did I do?” Alice demanded.

Alice is chilling in Bella's window, the best as always. This is one of her better entrances.

“Knock, knock,” she added with a grin.

And then Bella throws Alice on the bed and kisses her. No, truth be told the steam is kind of running out of the Team Alice movement. Alice is too good for Bella. And her thing for racist murderers is kind of an intriguing new angle. I bet Alice writes a lot of letters to Federal prisoners. Anyway, Alice says she's just “passing through” and throws a box on Bella's bed. She brought her an outfit! True love.

“Admit it,” Alice said. “I'm a lifesaver.”

I admit it. Also a booksaver. Alice says it feels nice to “see” something correctly. “I've been fucking up left and right lately,” she says. Alice's inability to see key aspects of the future are making her feel “normal,” she says. “She cringed in horror of the word,” Bella tells us. That ugly phrase aside, it's nice to see a (too brief) glimpse of the pro-vampire argument. Edward and Rosalie are so envious of humans, but Alice is horrified by the idea of being one. Why isn't Alice a bigger part of the debate over Bella's mortality? I guess Bella's case is strong enough without her. Anyway, Alice mentions the thief and the army in Seattle, and Bella has a rush of intuition. There's a funny moment (which is maybe supposed to be tense) where Bella is trying to tell Alice that the blouse-thief and the vampire army are related (what a ridiculous collection of words that is) but Alice can't get past talking about the clothes.

“It's the same,” I whispered.
“What is?” she demanded. “You don't have anything like this. For crying out loud, you only have one skirt!”
“No, Alice! Forget the clothes, listen!”
“You don't like it?” Alice's face clouded with disappointment.

Bella says the thief was probably a member of the army, trying to test his or her ability to get around Alice's vision. And the need for Bella's scent suddenly has very ominous implications.

Alice wasn't accustomed to being taken by surprise.

That or she figured she had to get really high to get through graduation – Bella says Alice stands perfectly still for “two minutes straight.” Two whole minutes?

“You're right,” she said in a hollow tone.

Buzzkill, dude. Bella feels a perverse sense of relief when she realizes she's the target of these vague machinations, not the Cullens. Charlie knocks on Bella's door and asks if she's ready to go, and Alice realizes that Edward is on his way and bails; she wants to keep the news from him until after graduation so he doesn't freak out. Probably a good idea. Bella puts on Alice's outfit, which sadly doesn't include leather or chains or lace, and grabs her yellow graduation robes. Yellow? And I thought I had it bad.

Edward shows up and rides with Charlie and Bella – in the police cruiser. There's a funny visual gag as Bella looks back and forth from Charlie to Edward, who both seem to be deriving dark amusement from Edward's seat in the back of the squad car.

At the school, Charlie has a sweet moment with Bella. He tells her she's not his little girl anymore, choking up at the end. Awwww. You are still not forgiven, Charlie. As Bella lines up for graduation, she has a rambling conversation, or rather witnesses a monologue, from Jessica. It's nothing special – it had no other effect on me other than the thought “Oh, good, Anna Kendrick will have a scene in the Eclipse movie.” You can almost feel S. Meyer crossing extraneous characters off a list. Edward goes off to stand in alphabetical order, and Bella feels terrible when she sees that Alice isn't there. “What poor timing on my part,” she says. Like Alice gives a fuck about graduation?

Bella herself writes off her classmates as she witnesses the graduation ceremony – I can't say I disapprove of her wandering, withering eye here; graduation ceremonies are kind of stupid. She notes the “trite nonsense” issuing forth from the mouth of the valedictorian and later describes the daze-inducing process of stumbling across the platform to receive her degree. I paid so little attention at my high school graduation I can't even remember if the person voted “most likely to trip at graduation” actually tripped or not. (I was voted “most unique,” for the record. Not that there are degrees of unique – one either is or isn't. When I brought this issue up to my friend Ryan, who worked on the yearbook, he told me it didn't matter. He also rejected several of my proposed yearbook photos.) All in all, I'm happy S. Meyer doesn't try to make graduation sound particularly momentous or moving. High school sucks – the best part is darkly enjoying how much it sucks. Which is what is happening here. I kind of feel like S. Meyer and I could be friends.

Alice does abruptly show up to get her degree, and you guessed it: Bella says she “danced across the stage” to take hers. What do you think Alice is wearing under her yellow gown? Or is the “going to graduation naked” thing too passe? Alice has a look of “deep concentration” on her face as she crosses the stage, and this is while dancing – I'm getting a kind of “Michael Jackson in 'Billie Jean'” vibe. Edward follows her, looking confused. He should be – how is did this guy pass? Social promotion probably, right? Bella's name is eventually called and she hears “hooting” she realizes is not only Charlie but Jacob. Those guys are working overtime to earn my favor back. Bella says she can “just make out the top of Billy's head beside Jake's elbow.” How many handicapped jokes is Bella going to do before someone stops her? I feel like if there was an armless character in this book Bella would make constant references to “giving him a hand.”

And that was it.

Bella stands amongst her fellow graduates and fails to hear the cue to throw her mortarboard up in the air. She just tosses it on the ground instead. You're kind of awesome sometimes, Bella. She looks around for Alice and can't find her anywhere (“I promised Mike Newton that if he didn't lose his virginity by graduation I'd, well, you know...”-Alice Cullen). Edward comes over and gives her a hug, says she seems nervous. She blurts out a question about Alice – I knew there was no way she'd manage to keep it in for very long (you're welcome). She asks him if he's worrying about her, and then asks what she was doing to keep him out of her thoughts.

His eyes flashed down to my face, and narrowed in suspicion. “She was translating the Battle Hymn of the Republic into Arabic, actually.”

Well, الحمد الله! Alice speaks Arabic? Also: The Battle Hymn of the Republic? As in, the Abolitionist song? YA BURNT Jasper.