Wednesday, September 15, 2010

BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt.19: Hey, We All Gotta Keep Warm

Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 14 (cont'd): Declaration

At home, Edward tells Bella that he's leaving tomorrow afternoon on another hunting trip with Rosalie, Carlisle, and Esme. That leaves Bella with Alice, Jasper, and Emmett. Why do I feel like Alice could come up with something better to do with those guys than just hang out with Bella?

“Bella, we're going to go into the other room for a while – you can watch a movie or something, okay?” Alice smiled weakly, then gave me a stern look. “Just don't open that door, no matter what it sounds like is happening to me.”
As she walked away I heard her whisper to Jasper: “The safe word is 'Bella.'”


(I've been working on a theory that Alice and Jasper are cooler because they were not created by Carlisle, that somehow his moral preacher-blood is the source of all our problems. If that is the case, getting vamped by Edward would be even worse, like how toxins get more effective as they travel up the food chain.)

Bella decides she'd rather spend that time on the Reservation with Jacob though, because she is a fucking moron.

“Spend a few hours with the three coolest characters in this book
or the
temperamental rapist? Hmm, tough call.”

Edward agrees rather easily, but Bella still feels guilty about it. Get with the times, Bella! Edward 2.0 understands how you feel. Edward 2.0 calls your mom on her birthday. Edward 2.0 is your new bicycle. Bella wants to know why Edward is hunting again so soon – his eyes are “still a deep gold.” Turns out they're hunting big game, because it makes them stronger. Well, that's just about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. If you drink a bear's blood, you'll be strong like a bear! Is this a video game all of the sudden? Human blood makes you the strongest, obviously (not obviously – it should be WHALE BLOOD or something ridiculous. DINOSAUR BLOOD!), and Jasper is apparently thinking about “cheating” so he'll be at 100%. He's afraid to bring it up to Carlisle, though. No word on what Alice thinks (“Oh, it would be so hot. Please do it, baby. Can I watch?”-Alice Cullen). Newborns themselves are strong because they are feeding off of their own human blood. Oh, okay, that makes so much sense.

Bella thinks about the advantage posed by eating a human and briefly considers coming out in favor of it. Then her conscience finally catches up with her, having been left somewhere in the dust a few hundred pages ago (maybe she lost it at the airport when she ditched Alice in Book One?) and she feels terrible for being “willing to have a stranger die to protect him.” On the list of things Bella SHOULD feel guilty about, this one is actually way below a bunch of other stuff – we all care about our loved ones more than strangers, however moral or immoral that may be. But whatever, I'll take guilt wherever I can get it. Me and the dozens of victims you abandoned in Volterra are going to be revelling in your sleepless night tonight, Bella! Sweet non-dreams!

Bella's been putting off studying for finals, so she and Edward have a cram session. Why does it matter if Bella does well in school, at this point? Also, if she gets vamped just after graduation, does that mean she never has to go back to school? Can she permanently play like, Edward's aunt? I mean, I know that's weird, but if it got her out of repeating high school for infinity it would be worth it, no?

Bella takes a break and calls Jacob; Edward sits there and patiently plays with her hair. What he should be doing is going down on her right now! I don't want to tell him how to do his job, but that seems pretty obvious. Can we have a frank discussion about the fact that Edward hasn't even fingerbanged Bella yet? What is up with that? She's a goddamn senior in high school! Girl needs to get fingerbanged. Whatever happened to Mike Newton?

Next day, Edward drives Bella to the DMZ after she's finished finals. Jacob is sitting in his car and honking like an asshole, and Edward is bothered by whatever he's thinking. Oh great. Bella heads to Jacob's car and looks back at Edward, trying to shake the idea that he is really upset. It must be something really bad if it's got Edward 2.0 down. Bella wishes Edward would come over and shake Jacob's hand, that everyone would just get along. In case you didn't understand the metaphorical significance of that maddeningly transparent moment when Bella tried to force the magnets together, she brings it up again.

It was as if I had those two stubborn magnets in my hands again, and I was holding them together, trying to force nature to reverse herself.

You're right that is exactly what it is like! S. Meyer is really getting her money's worth out of that metaphor. Bella's relationship with Jacob and Edward is like her relationship with the magnets is like her relationship with Edward and Jacob – it goes both ways! (“Did someone ask for me?”-Alice Cullen) Also: don't anthropomorphize nature, Bella. Also: I wish I had a magnet that could suck all of the extra commas out of this book.

Jacob is exhausted and miserable looking, his hair is all overgrown and sticking out all over the place. He looks like me, basically. Not a good look, Jacob. He's tired because Sam Uley has them running double shifts (wolves have shifts?) because he's all suspicious about whoever broke into Bella's house (that is my best guess as to what he is suspicious about – it is very vaguely worded, and I mean more than normal). They go to Jacob's house and sit down on the couch – Bella thinks it's weird that Billy isn't around. “I thought of Billy as a nearly permanent fixture there,” she says. Because he's handicapped, Bella!? Jesus you can be insensitive. Turns out Billy's been spending a lot of time with Harry Clearwater's widow. Good for Billy, at least someone other than Alice is getting laid around here.

Jacob is still bitchy about Bella's coming transformation, but suddenly Bella doesn't seem to think it's going to happen very soon. She's about to indicate as much to Jacob, but he falls asleep and starts snoring. Instead Bella goes spelunking in her subconscious mind again. Oh, great. Vampire transformation has become a metaphor for Bella's virginity, by the way:

Edward was right – I wasn't ready yet.
And I didn't want to be practical. I wanted Edward to be the one.


Uh-huh. And then:

It was hard to define, even to myself, why it mattered.

She wants Edward to pop her mortal cherry, so to speak. When you put it another way, it's a kind of nifty and gothic conceit: she wants her love to be the one to kill her. But S. Meyer is not interested in taking it that way, really.

Even more embarrassing, something I would never say aloud, I wanted his venom to poison my system.

Bella, I've got a much easier way to get some of Edward's “venom” into your system. It doesn't involve any biting, just swallowing. (“Some people like biting!”-Alice Cullen) Also: talk about a healthy attitude toward (metaphorical) sex! POISONING HER SYSTEM! She knows Edward is going to insist on marriage if he's going to be “the one” to “poison” her, of course. We've got to bring this metaphor full circle. S. Meyer's metaphors are nothing if not aggressively circular. (What's so weird about this virginity metaphor is that Bella also wants to lose her LITERAL virginity to Edward. “I want you to have both my literal and figurative virginity.” That's love right there.) Bella thinks about how awful it would be to have to tell her mother and friends she was getting married. (Why even tell them? Vegas, dumbass!) Bella drifts into her Anne of Green Gables fantasy again, she and Edward on a porch swing. Wait a minute, how many dream levels are we at so far? If porch swing Bella kills herself she'll get stuck in limbo, right? Where's the kick?

Oh, here it is: Jacob rolls over and almost crushes Bella on the couch. HOT, and also symbolic! Bella wakes Jacob up in her struggle to break free, and Jacob's all pissed that he fell asleep. Bella tells him to get some rest – she'll just head home. He insists instead that they take a walk. On the way out, Bella notes that it's cold and a storm seems to be approaching. ALSO SYMBOLIC. Shit, what's going to happen? This is serious.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Jacob says. Bella can't tell if he's blushing or not “with his dark skin” and all. Oy gevalt.

“I'm in love with you Bella,” Jacob said in a strong, sure voice. “Bella, I love you. And I want you to pick me instead of him.”

Right. Wait, that was the big announcement?

4 comments:

Kim said...

It's a big announcement if you're as dense and prone to misunderstanding as these characters are.

ZL said...

I suppose that is true.

"Bella, I love you. Also, I am a werewolf. And my name is Jacob. I just wanted to make sure all of that was clear."

Emily Melanson said...

I get a kick out of the use of pedobear in your chapter pictures.

Emily Melanson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.