If you can believe it, this is the last chapter of Eclipse. We've been doing this since fucking JULY. Good riddance, Eclipse! Next time we'll deal with the epilogue, and soon we'll be getting started with Breaking Dawn. Get fucking ready. Previous entries can be found in the directory.(The above photo is my modest contribution to the amazing Jumping Rob meme. Wonderful stuff can be found here, thanks TheTrace360.)
ALSO: DEATHLY HALLOWS! Did you see it? Talk to me here.
Chapter 27: Needs
Bella drives out of La Push and starts crying hysterically; she pulls over to the side of the road so as not to crash. Way to perpetuate multiple stereotypes about women in a single swipe, Bella! You're a credit to your gender. Edward shows up after a few minutes, apparently getting a tip off from Alice. (“Doesn't take a psychic to figure out that shit.”-Alice Cullen) He pulls Bella into his arms and she starts sobbing harder. Probably not the reaction he was looking for! He drives her home and sneaks off to her room while Bella tries to get past Charlie. Of course, when she walks in the house and he sees her tear-streaked face, Charlie thinks Jacob is dead. Ha ha!
“No, he's only dead to me,” I said.
I wish. But Bella does indicate that she's broken it off with Jacob. Charlie understandably wonders why she chose this moment to tell him. Why did she? I'm assuming that if werewolves heal at super-speed, Jacob's only going to be in traction for a few days, right? His bones weren't reduced to fucking DUST. Give the guy a few days! You already busted his balls and a vampire busted the rest of him – his heart was all he had left! You know it was harsh if I'm advocating sympathy for Jacob. Once upstairs, Bella tries to take the wolf-charm off of her wrist and fails. Edward tells her not to anyway - “It's part of who you are.” The way these two talk about having to live with the pain caused by Jacob, you'd think the motherfucker actually was dead. All that happened was they broke up, and they weren't even dating!
I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be a part of me now. Time would make it easier – that's what everyone always said.
(Between the “knew” followed by “new” and the fact that Bella also talks about the kind of “tear” that you cry on this page, that first sentence could use a tune-up.) Here's a fun little exercise for people who are grieving: try to explain why you are upset in one sentence. You probably should be able to! If you can't, don't cry in Edward's arms all night! But that's what happens. Edward questions whether Bella's made the right choice; hard to blame him for looking for a way out. (“Are you sure you want to be with me? Jacob is pretty great!”-Edward Cullen) In response Bella picks up a copy of Wuthering Heights and starts quoting it at Edward. What? How aggressively can you force a literary allusion into your novel before the pages start to rebel against you? If you squint hard enough you can see the rest of the text straining away from this section. Maybe there was just a printing error on my copy, but whatever. “Cathy's a monster,” Bella says, “but there were a few things she got right.” Edward responds that “Heathcliff had his moments, too.” So what these two are basically saying is “we're assholes, but our love redeems us.” I agree with at least the first part.
Next morning Bella announces they need to go see Alice. When they roll up to the Cullen house, she's standing on the front steps waiting excitedly. Naturally, she seems about to “break into a celebration dance.” That's Alice for you: she even looks like she's dancing when she isn't moving. It turns out Bella has decided to really make a go of this wedding thing, and she's putting Alice to work. Weirdly, Bella's chief motivation for this decision seems to be the fact that it will make Alice happy. I mean, that would be my motivation if I were a character in this book, but it's not usually Bella's motivation to make ANYONE feel better. I'm not saying Bella is self-centered, but she did just recently draw an analogy in which she was THE EARTH and boys were ORBITING AROUND HER.
Anyway, there's a weird section that follows when Alice takes Bella upstairs to see her dress, which she already has in her possession – it's indicated that she has had it in her possession for some time. We're either meant to understand that Alice ordered the dress a few months ago or like, several decades ago. To wit:
“These things take time, Bella,” Alice explained. Her tone seemed... evasive. “I mean, I wasn't sure things were going to turn out this way, but there was a distinct possibility...”
“When?” I asked again.
“Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know,” she said, defensive now. “Fabric masterpieces don't happen overnight! If I hadn't thought ahead, you'd be wearing something off the rack!”
I went and googled Perrine Bruyere, and I got a bunch of articles of people talking about how THEY googled Perrine Bruyere and they couldn't find him either. The only reason I was curious was when Alice finally whips out the dress, Bella looks it over and seems to understand that it is deliberately old-fashioned to turn Edward on. That's gross, Alice.
“Nineteen-eighteen?” I guessed.
“More or less,” she said, nodding. “Some of it is my design, the train, the veil...” She touched the white satin as she spoke. “The lace is vintage. Do you like it?”
So are we meant to understand that Perrine Bruyere made the dress in 1918? And that Alice ordered in in 1918? HOW LONG IS THAT WAITING LIST? Or are we meant to understand it is just 1918-style? Is there a such thing as 1918-style? (“[Bruyere's] got promise... and he specializes in what I needed,” Alice says, in what is either a telling detail or a poorly indicated joke.) I don't know much about wedding dresses, but this scene is very confusingly written. And she doesn't even say what the dress looks like!
But the important moment comes when Bella asks Alice if she can see her dress, and Alice is stunned. “I wouldn't want my maid of honor to wear something off the rack,” Bella says. Alice is so excited that she kicks Bella out so she can plan more. Exeunt Alice for this book, I'm guessing. Dance on, you crazy diamond.
Edward and Bella go to the meadow, so you know we're wrapping up for real. Doesn't it seem like we've been in the denouement phase for a long time here? Didn't Victoria die a few years back? Anyway when they get there Bella explains to Edward her rationale for having a big wedding: Alice's happiness is part of it, but also she's seeing it as a goodbye for her parents. I have to admit, it's a kind of clever suggestion – when fathers walk their daughters down the aisle it probably seems to some fathers like they are losing their little girl forever. This time it really is that. (“It's more literal than you can possibly imagine.”-Jasper Whitlock) It's nice that Bella has found a way to make peace with the fact that she is abandoning her parents, which is why it is weird that Edward suddenly goes “Deal's off.” Huh? You're getting cold feet now, dude? GET IT COLD FEET BECAUSE HE'S A VAMPIRE?
Actually, Edward feels remorse for being such a weird religious zealot the last few books. FINALLY. “I've clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what's best for you,” he says. “My way is always wrong.” PREACH IT, BUDDY! This is what I have been saying all along! He tells her they can try to vamp her tonight, and says he'll still keep up his end of the bargain, which is not a euphemism for getting a boner. Well, it kind of is. At last, Edward is siding with the rest of us, at least inasmuch as he thinks he should fuck Bella too. Is this book going to end with a crazy sex scene?
He starts kissing her and Bella almost goes for it, but this time she's the one who stops them. Well, the vampire shoe is on the other Bella foot! She insists on giving Alice her fun (which sounds sexy in this context, but isn't), and on giving her parents a proper goodbye. That's all well and good, but then she goes Full-Edward. “Your soul is far, far too important for me to take chances with,” she says. SHIT, BELLA SAYS THAT? Is it fucking Freaky Friday?
At then end of the last book, Victoria and The Volturi were still around – we had threads to carry us into the next book. Has Victoria been replaced by the scourge of stubborn religiosity? Is that our new villain? It's like Bella swallowed the Kool-Aid right after Edward finally vomited it back up. He saw the light and she returned to the dark. He got his cock out as soon as she put her chastity belt back on. Alas.
It starts to rain, which makes the coming nuptials seem more ominous than S. Meyer probably intended. Edward and Bella leave to go tell Charlie they're getting hitched. Presumably, he will kill them both and the next book will be about totally different people. Hopefully.
Chapter 27: Needs
Bella drives out of La Push and starts crying hysterically; she pulls over to the side of the road so as not to crash. Way to perpetuate multiple stereotypes about women in a single swipe, Bella! You're a credit to your gender. Edward shows up after a few minutes, apparently getting a tip off from Alice. (“Doesn't take a psychic to figure out that shit.”-Alice Cullen) He pulls Bella into his arms and she starts sobbing harder. Probably not the reaction he was looking for! He drives her home and sneaks off to her room while Bella tries to get past Charlie. Of course, when she walks in the house and he sees her tear-streaked face, Charlie thinks Jacob is dead. Ha ha!
“No, he's only dead to me,” I said.
I wish. But Bella does indicate that she's broken it off with Jacob. Charlie understandably wonders why she chose this moment to tell him. Why did she? I'm assuming that if werewolves heal at super-speed, Jacob's only going to be in traction for a few days, right? His bones weren't reduced to fucking DUST. Give the guy a few days! You already busted his balls and a vampire busted the rest of him – his heart was all he had left! You know it was harsh if I'm advocating sympathy for Jacob. Once upstairs, Bella tries to take the wolf-charm off of her wrist and fails. Edward tells her not to anyway - “It's part of who you are.” The way these two talk about having to live with the pain caused by Jacob, you'd think the motherfucker actually was dead. All that happened was they broke up, and they weren't even dating!
I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be a part of me now. Time would make it easier – that's what everyone always said.
(Between the “knew” followed by “new” and the fact that Bella also talks about the kind of “tear” that you cry on this page, that first sentence could use a tune-up.) Here's a fun little exercise for people who are grieving: try to explain why you are upset in one sentence. You probably should be able to! If you can't, don't cry in Edward's arms all night! But that's what happens. Edward questions whether Bella's made the right choice; hard to blame him for looking for a way out. (“Are you sure you want to be with me? Jacob is pretty great!”-Edward Cullen) In response Bella picks up a copy of Wuthering Heights and starts quoting it at Edward. What? How aggressively can you force a literary allusion into your novel before the pages start to rebel against you? If you squint hard enough you can see the rest of the text straining away from this section. Maybe there was just a printing error on my copy, but whatever. “Cathy's a monster,” Bella says, “but there were a few things she got right.” Edward responds that “Heathcliff had his moments, too.” So what these two are basically saying is “we're assholes, but our love redeems us.” I agree with at least the first part.
Next morning Bella announces they need to go see Alice. When they roll up to the Cullen house, she's standing on the front steps waiting excitedly. Naturally, she seems about to “break into a celebration dance.” That's Alice for you: she even looks like she's dancing when she isn't moving. It turns out Bella has decided to really make a go of this wedding thing, and she's putting Alice to work. Weirdly, Bella's chief motivation for this decision seems to be the fact that it will make Alice happy. I mean, that would be my motivation if I were a character in this book, but it's not usually Bella's motivation to make ANYONE feel better. I'm not saying Bella is self-centered, but she did just recently draw an analogy in which she was THE EARTH and boys were ORBITING AROUND HER.
Anyway, there's a weird section that follows when Alice takes Bella upstairs to see her dress, which she already has in her possession – it's indicated that she has had it in her possession for some time. We're either meant to understand that Alice ordered the dress a few months ago or like, several decades ago. To wit:
“These things take time, Bella,” Alice explained. Her tone seemed... evasive. “I mean, I wasn't sure things were going to turn out this way, but there was a distinct possibility...”
“When?” I asked again.
“Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know,” she said, defensive now. “Fabric masterpieces don't happen overnight! If I hadn't thought ahead, you'd be wearing something off the rack!”
I went and googled Perrine Bruyere, and I got a bunch of articles of people talking about how THEY googled Perrine Bruyere and they couldn't find him either. The only reason I was curious was when Alice finally whips out the dress, Bella looks it over and seems to understand that it is deliberately old-fashioned to turn Edward on. That's gross, Alice.
“Nineteen-eighteen?” I guessed.
“More or less,” she said, nodding. “Some of it is my design, the train, the veil...” She touched the white satin as she spoke. “The lace is vintage. Do you like it?”
So are we meant to understand that Perrine Bruyere made the dress in 1918? And that Alice ordered in in 1918? HOW LONG IS THAT WAITING LIST? Or are we meant to understand it is just 1918-style? Is there a such thing as 1918-style? (“[Bruyere's] got promise... and he specializes in what I needed,” Alice says, in what is either a telling detail or a poorly indicated joke.) I don't know much about wedding dresses, but this scene is very confusingly written. And she doesn't even say what the dress looks like!
But the important moment comes when Bella asks Alice if she can see her dress, and Alice is stunned. “I wouldn't want my maid of honor to wear something off the rack,” Bella says. Alice is so excited that she kicks Bella out so she can plan more. Exeunt Alice for this book, I'm guessing. Dance on, you crazy diamond.
Edward and Bella go to the meadow, so you know we're wrapping up for real. Doesn't it seem like we've been in the denouement phase for a long time here? Didn't Victoria die a few years back? Anyway when they get there Bella explains to Edward her rationale for having a big wedding: Alice's happiness is part of it, but also she's seeing it as a goodbye for her parents. I have to admit, it's a kind of clever suggestion – when fathers walk their daughters down the aisle it probably seems to some fathers like they are losing their little girl forever. This time it really is that. (“It's more literal than you can possibly imagine.”-Jasper Whitlock) It's nice that Bella has found a way to make peace with the fact that she is abandoning her parents, which is why it is weird that Edward suddenly goes “Deal's off.” Huh? You're getting cold feet now, dude? GET IT COLD FEET BECAUSE HE'S A VAMPIRE?
Actually, Edward feels remorse for being such a weird religious zealot the last few books. FINALLY. “I've clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what's best for you,” he says. “My way is always wrong.” PREACH IT, BUDDY! This is what I have been saying all along! He tells her they can try to vamp her tonight, and says he'll still keep up his end of the bargain, which is not a euphemism for getting a boner. Well, it kind of is. At last, Edward is siding with the rest of us, at least inasmuch as he thinks he should fuck Bella too. Is this book going to end with a crazy sex scene?
He starts kissing her and Bella almost goes for it, but this time she's the one who stops them. Well, the vampire shoe is on the other Bella foot! She insists on giving Alice her fun (which sounds sexy in this context, but isn't), and on giving her parents a proper goodbye. That's all well and good, but then she goes Full-Edward. “Your soul is far, far too important for me to take chances with,” she says. SHIT, BELLA SAYS THAT? Is it fucking Freaky Friday?
At then end of the last book, Victoria and The Volturi were still around – we had threads to carry us into the next book. Has Victoria been replaced by the scourge of stubborn religiosity? Is that our new villain? It's like Bella swallowed the Kool-Aid right after Edward finally vomited it back up. He saw the light and she returned to the dark. He got his cock out as soon as she put her chastity belt back on. Alas.
It starts to rain, which makes the coming nuptials seem more ominous than S. Meyer probably intended. Edward and Bella leave to go tell Charlie they're getting hitched. Presumably, he will kill them both and the next book will be about totally different people. Hopefully.
4 comments:
It's weird that she chose to actually mention a fictional designer when she's been so careful about being generic with almost everything else. I'm pretty sure it means that the dress is retro and made with vintage materials, not actually from 1918. Hopefully it's not too retro or the poor girl is going to look ridiculous.
Do Bella and Edward specifically say what they think Cathy and Heathcliff "got right"? Because I really really want to know.
hahaha I love that picture. Your Jumping Rob's are amazing.
I also googled Perrine Bruyere and found on a twilight boys fan page (ew) that he is a fictional designer haha so that makes sense why no one could find him.
Actually, in Bella's weird metaphor, She's orbiting around Jacob while Edward orbits around her. Still totally weird and I'm not sure it even applies, unless Stephanie Meyer actually believes the Earth is the center of the universe.
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