BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN, pt. 7: The Honeymooners

Last time, Bella and Edward had sex. Of course, that moment – the moment it seemed like this series was building toward – did not actually happen on the page. Bella and Edward went for a pre-fuck swim and then we cut to the morning after. That's because Twilight only seems like a story about sex, only seems like it was building toward this. It's easy to understand why a normal human being would make the assumption that it was: it's a romance series, it is (at times) erotically charged. But S. Meyer is not a normal human being, and Twilight is actually a romance series about NOT having sex. If actual sex had been described, hilarious though it would have been to read, the book would have blown apart at the binding. In the comments last time, Emma suggested that at one time the sex scenes were more graphic, but S. Meyer toned them down. I do not believe this. I believe S. Meyer said that, but I am asserting that she was lying when she did. It's entirely consistent with my theory of S. Meyer's level of sexual maturity, which is something like the level of sexual maturity of a thirteen year old, and I mean mentally, not physically. S. Meyer has children, so theoretically she has had sex. But I don't think she really understands it.

I say that because in this scene, Bella and Edward have a post-coital conversation that makes me feel like they didn't even have sex. For one thing, it happens the next morning. They had sex and Bella immediately fell asleep? Bella also seems unable to remember most of the details of the previous night, which gives it an uncomfortable date-rape-y dimension. And then there is everything Edward says, and then there is the pillow biting. Oh, there's pillow biting, by the way. We'll get there. But fundamentally, the big problem is the way Bella and Edward won't stop talking about how great it was. It was the best, they are glowing; it was the most wonderful thing. There are more vague platitudes and compliments in this section than anything else. Methinks the lovers doth protest too much and too vaguely, you know? This is like your friend who claims he had sex, or even fingered a girl, or touched her boob, and it was so great it was amazing man, but as you question him, it slowly unravels.

Chapter 5 (cont'd): Isle Esme

Bella wakes up the next morning with this post-fuck glow about her, but it's probably just the sun beating down on her back. The whole back wall of the bedroom is glass by the way-- are there any locals on this island? Did they get a show or what?

Well, it's probably “or what.” Bella feels “perfect” and “happy” but I'm really not getting the “I just had sex” vibe from her. Maybe part of it is S. Meyer still trying to skirt around the matter at hand, but it feels less like she's avoiding writing about sex because she's prudish and more like she's avoiding it because she just can't, doesn't know how. We get some paragraphs that start out erotic but don't end that way:

I would have been happy to lie here forever, to never disturb this moment, but my body had other ideas.

Bella, you naughty lass! Oh, wait--

I laughed at my impatient stomach. It seemed sort of prosaic to be hungry after all that had passed last night. Like being brought back down to earth from some great height.

“All that had passed last night” and similar phrases is about as specific as we get. Not that Bella doesn't insist that a lot more happened. Edward says something, and his “serious and husky” voice brings back “a deluge of memories from the night.” S. Meyer really loves her “disoriented narrator” device, but it's disconcerting after a sex scene. Why are memories coming back in pieces like this? Why doesn't she just remember it?

When Bella finally opens her eyes (apparently her eyes have been closed for three pages, okay) Edward is sitting and staring all tense-like. The paragraph that follows takes some deconstruction.

My first instinct, a product of a lifetime of insecurities, was to wonder what I'd done wrong.

First of all, it's about time Bella started to self-diagnose. Isn't it kind of amazing we've gotten this far without Bella acknowledging her own inferiority complex? Or has S. Meyer been reading the reviews of her first three books? Or did Alice put a copy of the DSM IV in Bella's suitcase? Bella goes on, giving us another vague description of the sex. “Everything that had happened” is our new sex euphemism, apparently. I'm weirdly reminded of the way S. Meyer avoids band names. Eventually Bella's going to start talking about “that thing that we did in our bed on our honeymoon at night after we went swimming,” I can see that coming already.

I thought through everything that had happened, but I couldn't find any sour note in my memory. It had been simpler than I had expected.

Well, when you say a thing like that, it makes me feel like you're not doing it right. And then of course, there is this:

We'd fit together like corresponding pieces, made to match up.

Well, yeah! Of course! What, did you think Edward's penis was going to be a zig-zag shape and your vagina was going to be a crazy straw?

This had given me a secret satisfaction—we were compatible physically, as well as other ways.

Secret satisfaction= Bella did not have an orgasm. (I mean, first time out that's normal, but based on what we're about to hear regarding the rough nature of the intercourse it's a little surprising.) Edward asks how badly Bella is hurt. She says she's fine, and notes the odd sensation that “my bones had all become unhinged at the joints, and I had changed half-way into the consistency of a jellyfish.” That's some good fucking you did there, Edward. Bella keeps talking about how great she feels, and Edward freaks out. “Stop acting like I'm not a monster for having agreed to do this,” he says. He's fun after, huh?

There's some predictable confusion; when Bella gets up she realizes that her hair is full of feathers. Because Edward bit a pillow. “Or two,” he says. Edward bit a pillow. Or two. I've heard tell about this; among certain subsets of Twi-hards “the pillow scene” and “the feathers” have been alluded to frequently. (The above "handful of feathers" picture was released on Twitter by Bill Condon a few months ago.) It all makes sense now. Well, it sort of makes sense now. To hear them tell it, this scene has some sexy connotations. I'm not really seeing the “sexy.” Also: how did Bella not notice the feathers everywhere? What was she doing during the sex? Squeezing her eyes shut and trying not to notice anything? Did they fuck in a sensory deprivation chamber?

I am so happy this exists

Under the layer of feathers apparently covering everything, Bella finally sees that she has bruises on her arms. And, you know, everywhere. Bella tries to remember “a moment where his hold had been too tight” and she can't remember any of it. “I only wanted him to hold me tighter, and being pleased when he did.” Kinky. Actually, it's “harder, harder” Bella, not “tighter, tighter!”

Edward is full of self-loathing, it's like book one all over again, but with actual sex (sort of). “Don't ruin this,” Bella tells him. Too late. Bella trying to reassure him that she enjoys being fucked into pulp takes a while, and she slips up when she mentions that she assumed she'd be injured a little the first time out. But Edward finally cools his jets when Bella implies that he didn't enjoy himself, which makes for a weird moment. He calls it “the best night of [his] existence.” Really? S. Meyer is hedging here; Edward is filled with self-loathing over what he has done, but he still really enjoyed it? S. Meyer wants to keep the same basic dramatic tension going (why, I have no idea) but she also can't humiliate Bella by having Edward hate their first night together. So Edward bruised up his new wife... and enjoyed it. It gets worse. Edward says he's been talking to Carlisle about this night for a while.

“Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly.”

Oh, to be a fly on the wall when S. Meyer gives her kids the “birds and the bees” speech. If she ever does. If this book is any indication, she'll put it off for way too long and then she'll only do it half-way. Anyway, Edward seems to imply that sex is dangerous because it can permanently alter a vampire's temperament. The whole thing about vampires being like stones in mind as well as body has always been very poorly articulated, and it feels more and more ridiculous every time it comes back. Also: Edward says he didn't think he could go through with it, but Carlisle had “faith” in him. “Son, you can fuck this girl, I believe in you!”-Carlisle Cullen.

“I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood.”

(“Ahem”-Alice Cullen) It must have been an uncomfortable few weeks at the Cullen house, with Edward going around asking everyone about sex. Also: he's only asking about it now? He hasn't been curious for the last hundred years? Talk about arrested development! Edward gets out of bed to make Bella breakfast, leaving a cloud of feathers in his wake. I have a theory that if you show any reasonable person the hallway scene from Inception for the first time, they will all make essentially the same "surprised pleasure/shock" noise. I also believe that if you tell any reasonable person about the feathers in Breaking Dawn, they will make the same "bemused groan" noise I made five or six times while reading this chapter. “Why did you decide to ruin Esme's pillows?” Bella asks. S. Meyer is not content to let a joke like that just hang there, she has to use it to ruin something.

“I don't know if I decided to do anything last night,” he muttered.

See, this is what happens when you wait until marriage. You get way too excited, and you can't handle it. How long do you guys think this first fuck lasted? Over or under 30 seconds? It was long enough, apparently, for Bella's whole body to get bruised up; when she gets out of bed Edward turns away and balls up his fists in anguish. Great reaction to seeing your wife naked in the daylight for this first time, Edward. Bella goes and examines her “naked body” in the bathroom mirror, in a weirdly explicit sentence. ("Naked body" passes for explicit at this point.) Bella surveys the bruises on her face, arms. She doesn't elaborate on what the rest of her body looks like-- you know, the parts that were receiving the lion's share (get it because the lion fell in love with the lamb) of the jackhammer-like (I imagine) thrusting. Bella's more upset by the feathers all through her hair.

That's what I don't understand about this scene. Fans seem to have interpreted it as sexy. S. Meyer seems to be trying to play it as simultaneously threatening and funny. I'm finding it unrealistic and atonal. The Venn Diagram of possible interpretations of this scene looks like the Olympic Rings. Edward, still in a bad mood, makes Bella breakfast. It's then that Bella realizes she's not getting any more dick. Edward confirms as much, in another sentence that passes for explicit: “I will not make love to you again until you've been changed. I will never hurt you again.”

That's where the chapter ends, and I feel neutral about it, dramatically speaking. Edward is probably right; he shouldn't fuck Bella again until he can handle it. It's too bad for Bella, sort of. But not really: she is going to get laid again when she's a vampire, which we know is going to happen sooner or later. If “when is the next time Bella gets to have sex” is going to be the engine driving this book, then, well, fuck.

UPDATE 04/28/11: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL