WRITING BREAKING DAWN: Edward Asks His Family About Sex

Previously: The Honeymooners

Carlisle Cullen was arranging books in his study when there came a knock at the door. "Come in," he said quietly.

His son Edward entered, head bowed. "Carlisle," he began sheepishly.

"You are here to ask me about sexual intercourse, right son?" Carlisle gave him a reassuring look. "I've been anticipating this conversation. For a couple decades, actually, but you were always a late bloomer."

Edward chuckled. "Yeah, I guess you had this conversation with the others a long time ago."

"Yes, it was nearly eighty years ago when Alice first sat me down and taught me the way of love," Carlisle said wistfully as he took a seat behind his desk and gestured to Edward.

"You mean you sat her down and taught her, right?" Edward asked, settling into a chair with a quizzical look on his face.

"No, no. Your sister gave me the proverbial 'birds and the bees' talk first. Though the terms she used were somewhat more crass than that. And she didn't sit me down so much as, well... never you mind," Carlisle said with a wince.

"I'm nervous about my honeymoon," Edward said. "The thing that we're going to do--"

"Sex," Carlisle interjected. "You can say it, Edward."

"No, I can't," Edward replied.

They sat in silence for a moment. Carlisle shrugged. "Anyway son, physical love is a very powerful thing. We vampires can be so stubborn in our temperaments that it can actually change us in profound ways."

"That's bullshit, right?" Edward said. "I mean, this shit about us being like stones so much so that we can't even change our minds? That's ridiculous. You're a man of science, Carlisle. You can't tell me you buy that crock."

"You're trying to distract me, son," Carlisle said sternly.

Edward sighed.

"Sexual intercourse is a wonderful thing," Carlisle went on. "It takes a lot of effort and restraint, and usually the woman doesn't seem to enjoy it very much, but it can be a very enjoyable 30 or 40 seconds."

"It lasts that long?" Edward said miserably.

"It won't the first time. But with a lot of practice, eventually it will."

Edward could tell he wasn't going to glean anything else from his father, so he excused himself and went to see his brothers, Jasper and Emmett, who were sparring in a nearby field.

Jasper looked at him sternly. "Are you really ready for this?" he asked.

"I think so," Edward said.

"Well, first of all, stretching is really important."

"So important," Emmett echoed.

"I mean, you might think you can go for five or six hours without pulling something, but if you're going to keep a good tempo going you'll really only be able to blast her for an hour before your back gives out. Unless you stretch." Jasper humped the air emphatically for a few seconds after he finished talking.

"Wait a minute, we're talking hours? Carlisle said it would only last a few seconds," Edward moaned in disbelief.

"Edward, I know your sister seems like a nice girl," Jasper started, "but if I only lasted a few seconds I wouldn't be standing here before you today. At the very least, my voice would be a lot higher and my cock would be in a jar on the dresser."

Emmett snorted while Jasper slapped Edward playfully on the back. "I'm kidding buddy. No, I'm not."

"Change positions a lot," Emmett said, suddenly getting serious. "Rose gets bored if I don't switch it up."

"Oh, and oral skills are very important. That takes practice, obviously, but don't get discouraged. Stick with it," Jasper said.

"When you're doing really difficult positions like the 'Sideways Rabbit' and the 'Step Into My Office Baby' and shit like that, pay attention to your form." Emmett put a hand on Edward's shoulder. "You could really hurt her, otherwise."

"Oh yeah. One time I had to take Alice to Carlisle in the middle of the night because, well... I don't want to scare you," Jasper said, glancing sideways at Emmett.

Edward made the mistake of reading his brother's thoughts. "Ew, what the hell is that?" he said, blocking out the image as quickly as it had entered his mind's eye.

"Dude, you have to man up," Emmett said. "You know it's going to be awesome."

"It will?" Edward asked.

"Hasn't Bella at least given you a handy?" Emmett said, sounding perplexed.

When Edward didn't seem to understand, Jasper and Emmett made the "jerking off" hand motion in unison.

"Of course not!" Edward scowled. "I have a sense of propriety!"

"Hell Ed, Alice gave me a handy before I'd even introduced myself!" Jasper high-fived Emmett.

Edward stormed off in a huff.

Edward couldn't bear to talk to Esme or Rose, but his questions remained unanswered. He knew what he had to do.

"I'm going to suggest something crazy," Alice said, her eyes all alight. Edward had found her in the bathroom, where she was making gin in the bathtub. "Take her out to Isle Esme, tie the bitch up, and leave her there for a few days. Jasper did that to me once. It was so hot. Actually, it was so cold, because it was Siberia, but you get the idea."

"What were you doing in Siberia?" Edward asked.

"We like to put a little distance between ourselves and Carlisle and Esme when we fuck," Alice explained. "The mornings after just got to be... too awkward." She rose gracefully, but limped slightly as she led him out of the bathroom and into the living room, where she settled onto the couch gracefully again.

"Oh, I forgot to ask, how was your trip to Sweden?" Edward asked, sitting next to her.

"Excellent," Alice replied with a smile.

"So, why were the mornings after awkward?" Edward said. "Carlisle says physical love is beautiful."

"Well, for one thing, Jasper likes to be called 'Daddy.' For another, it ain't 'beautiful' when we do it."

"I just want to please Bella," Edward said.

"Good luck with that bitch," Alice laughed, making the "jerking off" hand motion for some reason. "Edward," she started, "you've given me no choice. I'm really a hands-on teacher, but you've made it clear you don't want to do that."

"I have a sense of--"

"You have a sense of propriety, I know, fuck," Alice said, exasperated. "It's fine, I have another plan. Jasper and I made you an instructional video. Well, actually we made it for an amateur porn film festival but we were disqualified because they claimed we used CGI." She winked at her brother and picked up a remote control. "It will work for this too, though."

"Alice, I'm not sure I want to--"

"Let's go to the videotape!" she shouted, pressing play.

Edward's screams could be heard for several miles.