Some Possible New Twilight Films

Earlier this week, Lionsgate purchased Summit Entertainment for something like 400 million fucking dollars. The sale has been in the works for a while, and apparently Summit was trying to ram it through before the Twilight Gravy Train arrived at the station for the last time this November. BUT! Lionsgate apparently has no intention of hanging up the conductor's cap, so to speak--in fact they are laying down brand new track! Sorry, sometimes I cling to metaphors that I shouldn't really have pursued in the first place. But the point is, there could be more Twilight movies! Or a TV show! But the likeliest scenario, as many have predicted, is a bunch of spinoffs and direct-to-DVD bullshit, somehow branded as a Twilight (think National Lampoon) product. Here, therefore, are some suggestions for potential new Twilight movies, with casting and distribution strategies suggested where appropriate.

TWILIGHT PRESENTS: Alpha Beta Omega House

Rosalie Hale's little sister Jenny (Amber Heard) and the rest of the girls from the all-vampire sorority Alpha Beta Omega get into some raunchy hijinks while trying to organize the annual blood drive. Featuring cameo appearances by Eugene Levy and Ashley Greene. Straight-to-DVD, No Rating, 28 minutes. Directed by Shia Lebeouf.

TWILIGHT PRESENTS: Jasper Goes West

Set in a tumultuous border town in the mid-nineteenth century (NOTE: this is an alternate, JJ Abramsesque timeline), this story follows cowboy/vampire Jasper Whitlock (Taylor Kitsch) who breaks away from the Cullen Gang, a ruthless group of murderers and thieves who all but run the dusty streets of Fork City. But when his former best friend Edward (Guy Pearce) murders a local woman (Michelle Williams), he agrees to join forces with her scrappy daughter Renesmee (Hailee Steinfeld) to extract bloody revenge. Directed (with marked restraint) by Kelly Reichhardt. Limited theatrical release, rated PG-13, 90 minutes.

TWILIGHT PRESENTS: Where The Heart Was

Dr. Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli) learns that "being undead doesn't mean you can't live" from the unlikeliest of sources: a domestic abuse survivor who is dying from cancer (Valerie Bertinelli). Lifetime Original film, Rated M for mature themes, 2 hours (with commercials). Directed by Martin Sheen.

TWILIGHT PRESENTS: The Dark Night Rises

100 years after the events of Breaking Dawn pt. 2, Bella Swan (Jena Malone) has ascended to Queen of the Vampires and rules Volterra with an iron fist. With the help, of course, of her right-hand woman Alice Cullen (Janet Montgomery) and consigliere Stringer Bell (Idris Elba). Forbidden to see her boyfriend, Bella's daughter Renesmee (Elle Fanning) plots against her mother. But when their position of power brings Bella, Alice and Stringer up against a coven of vampires that reminds Bella of her own former vampire family, she has a crisis of confidence. Ultimately she embraces her dark side and has Jacob Black murdered (the final scenes of this film are a direct homage to Godfather part 2). 190 minutes, rated NC-17 for excessive sexual content. Unreleased due to lawsuits from Christopher Nolan, Martin Scorsese and Idris Elba. Directed by Zachary Little.

TWILIGHT PRESENTS: Alice Does Dallas

After realizing that human semen contains trace amounts of blood, Alice Cullen (Sasha Grey) discovers that she can survive off of it as long as she performs oral sex on a man every two hours. Also starring Jason Statham as himself. Released as a series of web shorts on the Revision 3 Network in association with AVN. 50 episodes between three and twenty minutes long. Directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor.

I am ready to take meet with Lionsgate execs whenever is best for them. Y'all got any suggestions or general thoughts on this development?