BLOGGING TWILIGHT, pt. 13: Diamonds (and Vampires) Are Forever

I've been reading Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. And how long have I been reading it? A long time. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 13: Confessions

So, yeah, uh Edward sparkles in the daytime. Like, he's got diamond-covered skin? Yep. That's what happens. I've already mentioned that I could really care less about the whole desecration-of-the-vampire myth thing, but this is the detail people seem to disagree with the most. I don't really see why. It's a little weird, sure, but it is in keeping with the Twilight notion of the more realistic vampire.

Every vampire film does a slight variation on this idea - see THIRST and LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, two (great) recent vampire movies in which that part of the myth does not factor heavily on the plot but is still utilized in clever (and shocking and awesome) ways. Think of diamond skin as the mildest possible reaction to the sun - you can see how time and gossip and oral tradition would have, within S. Meyer's universe, exaggerated the "truth" about vampires (they sparkle in sunlight) to the sort of "myth" (they burst into flames) Edward scoffed at earlier in the book. As opposed to that thoroughly post-modern conversation section earlier, this is just a head-fake toward older vampire stories, but again, one detractors seem to have missed.

Bella's description is a little underwhelming, though:

His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal. (pg. 260)

That statue metaphor happens only pages earlier, sans the "glittering like crystal" part. So he still looks like a statue, but now he's a really tacky one.

So for essentially this entire chapter, Bella and Edward sit in a field and touch each other. Not even particularly fun touching - mostly they just rub jawbones and shit. I'm serious. Scenes that pass for tense also read like they might suddenly shift into a Mentos commercial.

"What are you afraid of then?" he whispered intently.
But I couldn't answer. As I had once before, I smelled his cool breath on my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. (pg. 263)

Bella's reaction to his breath freaks Edward out, so he retreats into the woods and threatens her for a while. Stupid Edward, don't you know that's just going to turn her on more? "I'm the world's best predator, aren't I?" He asks (probably rhetorically). "Everything about me invites you in...As if I need any of that!" Then he rips a branch down from a tree and smashes it into a bunch of pieces. This scene has a lot of Edward's standard emotional variation, but the beats are broken up by action like this, so it sorta works.

Edward apologizes for the Incredible Hulk routine.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" he asked, in the gentle cadences of an earlier century. (pg. 265)

I can think of at least two things wrong with that sentence. For one thing, that doesn't sound like the gentle cadences of an earlier century! It sounds like the normal cadence of a normal day. I suppose if Edward was really hip and with it he'd say like "My B shorty, sorry I was such a prick and shit." But what he says is fine! It's not old timey at all! It's not like Edward's speaking in blank verse:

Before behaved my person so rudely where
or on what subject spoke we, my dearest love?
-From "Much Ado About Vampires"

Also, we'll learn in a few pages that Edward was born in 1901, which is the 20th century! It's not like he's still adapting from Auld, Beowulf-style English or anything!

There is a lot more of Edward talking about how he can't/shouldn't be with her. Bella is feeling lost. "It was hard to keep up - his sudden mood changes left me always a step behind, dazed," she says (266). AMEN, BELLA.

Edward goes through a series of stupid metaphors trying to explain why Bella tempts him so.

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" he began. "Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?" (pg. 267)

So does Edward like black girls or redheads? I'm confused. Give me another metaphor, Edward. This one's not working.

"If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred year old brandy, the finest, rarest cognac..." (pg. 267)

Oh! So the denizens or Forks are the stale beer, Bella is the cognac, Forks is the room, and Edward is the alcoholic! And he wants to drink Bella's contents! I get it. Thank you, Edward (and thanks for not being condescending at all). That was the right comparison.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

Well no, Edward. That metaphor blows. Because even though I gather from The Wire that some heroin is better than others - WMD is better than yellow-top, etc. - I also gather that brand names are fleeting when it comes to heroin. Sometimes they are just products of Stringer Bell's machinations. It might be called WMD one day and Bin Laden the next, but it's still the same package! That doesn't happen with brandy.

Also heroin addiction I conceive of as more of a binary condition - addicted or not - not addicted to a specific brand. Really when you get down to it that's probably true of alcoholism too. And when you really get down to it, alcoholism for some can be just as harrowing as heroin addiction, so you're not really trading up with your metaphor, but at least alcohol is something you drink. So it works on that level if no other. Quit while you're ahead, Edward!

"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
He smiled swiftly, seeming to appreciate my effort. "Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin." (pg. 267-8)

I'm glad we had that exchange, because Edward's metaphor wasn't quite crass enough on it's own. Edward should have just said, "It's like I'm Hitler and you're exactly my brand of Jew!"

Also, there's a telling word choice when Edward relates sharing his overpowering brand identity problem with his brothers. Jasper, apparently, can't differentiate between flavors - "It's a struggle for him to abstain at all," Edward says. I got so confused with all of Edward's metaphors back there I almost forgot the central allegory of this book for a second. Thanks for reminding me, S. Meyer!

Also, some dark shit happens. Emmett met two people (girls, probably) for whom he experienced feelings similar to those Edward is experiencing now, and it is strongly suggested that he killed both of them. "Even the strongest of us fall of the wagon, don't we?" Edward asks. "What, are you asking my permission?" Bella replies (pg. 269).

It's troubling to me that Bella doesn't immediately confront the moral reality of loving someone who has presumably also killed people - she doesn't ask but it seems like a glaringly obvious question - have you fallen off the wagon? Are you a murderer? We don't get to that. Edward has a few more metaphors, though:

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me." (pg. 269)

He recounts his experience that first day of school, and how he fantasized about killing Bella all day. Actually, he recaps a good portion of the plot - if you want to get through this book fast you could probably start on page 270. There's not a lot of new plot in this chapter, just detail. The long and short of it is they're in love now.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..." he murmured.

I don't know what's with the punctuation up there. What do you need ellipses for within lines of dialogue if you're not truncating a quote (especially if you're going to end with "he murmured")?

I will say that with lines like that one, plus the overall tone of sexual repression - for some reason I feel like Morrissey would really dig this book.

"What a stupid lamb," I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion," Edward said.
"Is it wrong to want to live on your own?" I asked.
"No it's not wrong but I must know - how can someone so young sing words so sad?"


Then comes the touching. Edward puts his hand on Bella's neck, to demonstrate his powers of restraint. Then he rests his "cold cheek against the hollow at the base of [Bella's] throat." Bella mentions at one point that Edward catches his breath. He breathes? Why?

Then more touching with Bella taking the lead.

"I caressed his cheek, delicately stroked his eyelid, the purple hollow under his eye." (pg. 277)

What are you a blind person, Bella? FUCK ALREADY! C'mon!

There's a running gag about Edward not having any human instincts - Bella compliments him on his faux-humanity when he wraps his arm around her. Well, first of all, give the guy a little credit - he walks upright and everything. Also, putting your arms around something is kind of an animal-like instinctual gesture; my cats do it to each other and it is very cute.

Finally, Edward wants to show Bella how he travels in the woods. "Will you turn into a bat?" Bella asks. He laughs, we all laugh, angry vampire purists gnash their teeth and weep in their basements. It turns out what Edward does is he runs really fast. Which is kind of boring, but rushing through the woods at breakneck speed almost slamming into trees like that movie INTACTO freaks Bella out, and she has to lie down on the ground for a while.

When Bella recovers they actually kiss, and Bella goes into a wild sexual frenzy. I'm not joking. That is what happens.

Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair, clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent.
Immediately I felt him turn to unresponsive stone beneath my lips. (pg. 282)

Out of context, that last sentence could also be from the allegedly considerable amount of romance-novel-style-Twilight-porn-fan-fiction available online.

Edward takes the attack in stride - Bella feels all the more "besotted" by him (pg. 283). Besotted? Now who is speaking on the gentle cadences of an earlier century? How now, Bella? Wherefore speakest thou, in such marv'lous proper manner? Yet thou mockest Edward withal? What giveth?

Bella's still a little woozy and can't drive. "You're intoxicated by my very presence," Edward gloats (pg. 284). "It's like I'm your personal gas chamber!"

He might not have said that last part.