WRITING TWILIGHT: Alice Cullen and the Painted-On Bathing Suit

A few weeks ago I registered at Twilighted.net under the pseudonym ZechereLettle, as a tribute to Stephenee Meyer and her strenge wey ef spelling werds. I have yet to post or read anything, I just had to lock that name down. For now I'll be posting my attempts at Twilight FanFic here, for your reading pleasure. Someday I'll post one on Twilighted, and will probably promptly be banned from the site. So we have that to look forward to! Previous entries can be found in the directory.

"Alice Cullen and the Painted-On Bathing Suit"

Alice Cullen was getting ready for school, wondering what sort of day it would be. I mean, technically she knew already, but life is supposed to be about mystery or something, right? Really when she thought about it, Alice had enough mystery in her life. Like how she couldn’t remember her life before she was a vampire. What was the deal with that? Alice didn’t know. She knew that someday she would know, or something, but the future is always changing, probably.

Alice looked into her closet. She couldn’t foresee wearing any of this stuff today. That old gray sweater with the holes in it? No, there was no future for that sweater. Alice tried to look a few hours into the future, to see what she was wearing, but the picture was hazy. She couldn’t be sure. So she took her body paint out of the drawer.

When she finished painting a bathing suit on to her body, she walked down the stairs. Her siblings looked at her incredulously.
“You’re really going to…wear that?” Rosalie asked.
Emmett stared. Edward clenched his fists. Jasper’s face was full of blank rage, but that was how he normally looked.

“Oh my god, guys!” Alice shouted, dropping to her knees and holding her hand to her forehead. “I’m getting a vision!”
“What do you see?” Edward asked intently. “Is it Bella? Is something going to happen to Bella?”
“Lots of things are going to happen to Bella, Edward! We’ve been over this!” Alice shouted, and then closed her eyes again. “No, no… I’m getting a vision that… that all of you…”
Emmett looked panicked. “What? What is it?”
“…that all of you are fucking assholes,” Alice finished, giving them all the finger and rising gracefully to her feet.
“Bitch,” Rosalie muttered.
“Cunt,” Alice hissed.
“Ladies, ladies,” Edward started. “Let’s be civil. Alice can wear whatever she wants to school.”
“She’s going to blow our cover with that get-up!” Rosalie said.
“You think a bunch of kids are going to see me in my painted-on bathing suit and immediately think, oh, obviously she’s a vampire!” Alice said angrily.
“That’s a good point,” Edward said approvingly.
“Oh fuck you, Edward. Don’t patronize me.” Alice walked out the door into the cold morning air.

When Alice went to her first class, no one seemed to notice her painted-on bathing suit. She raised her hand to answer a question, and felt like her teacher was trying to avoid looking at her.

Alice hated this town. It didn’t seem like anyone ever thought about sex, ever. How did all of these kids get born? Maybe she was just upset because Jasper didn’t seem to be interested in sex lately either. Sometimes, she could have sworn she was dating a retarded person. Other times she was almost completely sure that was literally the case.

In her next class, Geometry, she sat next to Eric. She knew he was one of the boys who was always following Bella around. So at least he was interested in girls, right? Or maybe he thought Bella would make a good beard? Alice put that thought out of her head. Time to turn on that old Cullen charm! She told herself that she still had it. How else could she have won that Maxim photo shoot?

“That’s an interesting outfit.” Eric said with a smile.
“Yeah? Do you think I look sexy?” Alice asked.
“Er—uh, I, well” Eric stammered. “How did you do on the homework?”

Alice wondered if the damp air was just killing everyone's sex drive or something. There was no other way to explain it. Forks was the most desexualized town in America! It was really frustrating. She wished they were living in Sweden again.

At lunch, Alice figured one of the administrators would take her aside and admonish her for her outfit. Perversely, she was looking forward to it. She just wanted some attention, and any attention would do. But then she remembered that Forks High had no apparent administrators. Who even turns the lights on the mornings?

Gym came next, and Alice mostly stood off to the side. She was avoiding running for obvious reasons, but at this point the other students had ignored her for so long she was getting desperate. But something about her non-participation in athletic activity must have reminded Tyler of Bella, because he came over to talk.

“I never noticed before,” he said. “You have a mole on your stomach.” He ran his hand along her abs. Alice took this as a come-on; she didn’t realize that Tyler had no sense of social conduct and was functionally autistic.

“Do you want to go under the bleachers over there and fool around?” She asked.
“Okay, sure!” Tyler said.
They slipped quietly away from the class and went under the bleachers. The light slanted in from between the seats above. Alice moved to kiss him.
“Whoa! What are you doing?” Tyler asked.
“You said you wanted to fool around!” Alice protested.
“I thought you meant like, play a board game or something!” He said, looking bewildered.
“What the fuck is wrong with this town?” Alice shouted. “I wanted to have sex, idiot!”
Tyler’s head exploded.
Alice sighed and wiped the blood and skull fragments from her face and body. It smeared her bathing suit up; it was ruined. Fuck it, she thought. At least they'd have to move away now.