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So last time we left off with a cliffhanger, involving a literal cliff, which was itself a metaphor for Bella's current position, dangling on a precipice of the choice between Jacob and Edward. I know, the mind boggles. Previous entries can be found in the directory.
Chapter 16: Paris
"So you're saying she can swallow a lot."-Quil Ateara
Bella's so out of it, she doesn't even realize she is on land - she's shocked to hear Sam Uley talking to Jacob, asking how long she's been unconscious. Jacob's voice is "wild with anxiety" (just like how I like my women, thanks Kira) at first, then it's "not as wild as before," but then it's "still frantic." But Bella soon regains the power of speech, so Jacob doesn't have to hog all of the inconsistent adjective-phrases. Jacob picks her up "like an empty box" and starts carrying her back to his place. (Feel free to insert your own Quil Ateara one-liner about empty boxes if you want.) As they leave, Jacob tells Sam to "go back to the hospital," and a dazed Bella notices what appears to be a flame flickering out on the water.
Bella describes the soreness in her throat, which is totally making my throat hurt in sympathy. An attempt at throat-clearing feels "like stabbing a knife down there." I'd TWSS that, but my throat hurts too much, which is what she said.
Jacob only very briefly explains how he found and saved Bella. "I was searching for you," he says. Uh, okay. He followed her tire tracks to the beach and heard her scream. It's a good thing he was back in La Push already! Was he back in La Push already? It eventually turns out that the wolf pack chased Victoria to the ocean in like, Canada, and apparently vampires are really good swimmers, so they were worried she would double back to the states. Luckily she didn't. OR DID SHE?
But Bella doesn't pick up on that quite yet - she focuses on what Jacob said about the hospital. Harry Clearwater, Charlie's oft-mentioned but never really depicted friend, has had a heart attack.
"Is Harry going to be okay?"
Jacob's eyes tightened again. "It doesn't look so great right now. He's really a minor character, and killing someone off would be a relatively interesting thing to do in terms of plot development, plus Harry's health problems have been alluded to earlier. So in short, the prognosis is bad."
Bella starts feeling guilty about her stunt, and she's still weak and soaking wet. Yet Jacob doesn't take this opportunity to take advantage of her, which is kind of shocking. He doesn't even offer to help her out of her wet clothes! She actually just keeps them on, which doesn't seem safe. I'm not thinking with Jacob's dick here; she's probably going to catch a cold! They end up just sitting down and falling asleep on Jacob's couch, and Bella dreams a series of boring images, the last of which is an actress in a play standing on a balcony and talking to herself.
Bella wakes up and launches into a profoundly stupid speech in which she basically rewrites the entire plot of Romeo & Juliet until it resembles her life exactly. “What would [Juliet] have done if Romeo had left her, not because he was banished but because he'd lost interest?” Well, then it wouldn't be Romeo & Juliet, Bella! It would be your life! This is not how extended metaphors are supposed to work! Then she wonders about Paris, Juliet's Native American friend. “The story didn't say much about Paris. He was just a stick figure – a placeholder, a threat, a deadline to force her hand.” Well, fuck. Romeo & Juliet is a PLAY, not a STORY. It doesn't “say much” about ANY of the characters, because it doesn't have a proper narrator to speak of.
What if Paris had been Juliet's friend? Her very best friend? What if he was the only one she could confide in about the whole devastating thing with Romeo?
What if, indeed!
Hey, what if Simba and Mufasa hadn't been a father lion and his cub, but actually a vampire and a werewolf? And what if there had been a girl with a big Scar who had been friends with another girl named Bella?
Hey, what if Simba and Mufasa hadn't been a father lion and his cub, but actually a vampire and a werewolf? And what if there had been a girl with a big Scar who had been friends with another girl named Bella?
What if the Titanic had not actually been a boat, but had been a small town in Washington?
What if An American Werewolf In London had taken place in America?
Bella concludes that Juliet would have “tried to settle into the scraps of life that were left behind.” Sounds fun! Bella reevaluates her obsession with recklessness in the light of actual potential death and feels like an asshole.
Harry's heart attack had pushed everything into perspective for me. Perspective that I didn't want to see, because – if I admitted to the truth of it – it would mean that I would have to change my ways.
Ugh, I know Bella. The perspective that you don't want to see is the worst kind of perspective. It's a good thing perspective isn't really something you “see” anyway, is it? Bella sits next to the still-sleeping Jacob on the couch, and possibly rubs one out.
Images from my ill-considered afternoon stunt rolled through my head while I tried to come.
Just kidding.
Images from my ill-considered afternoon stunt rolled through my head while I tried to come up with something pleasant to think about... the feel of the air as I fell, the blackness of the water, the thrashing of the current...Edward's face...I lingered there for a long time.
See, that last line is actually what I was talking about, but sometimes other opportunities present themselves (which is what she said). Billy comes home and tells them Harry is dead. Well, yeah. Charlie is still at the hospital with Harry's wife, and everyone is really sad for a while. Billy goes off to his room and sits silently, which is actually kind of an affecting image, despite the fact that Harry's death isn't inherently very weighty. Jacob drives Bella home in the truck, keeping his arm around her for warmth.
Bella starts thinking about “staking a claim” on Jacob, which sounds like she's actually going to kiss him or something. I'm so used to adding in sexual subtext that it's weird for it to actually be here. She's also planning on making it clear to him that he is the scraps of her life she is settling for, which seems like a stupid and mean thing to say.
I would have to commit to this – commit as much of me as there was left, every one of the broken pieces. It was the only way to be fair to him. Would I? Could I?
Whoa, what are we talking about here? “Commit as much of me as there was left?” There's a weird moment where they hug and Bella considers putting the moves on him. Seriously.
If I turned my face to the side – if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder...I knew without any doubt exactly what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight.
Damn, girl! It's hard to believe this is really happening! Bella agonizes over the decision, and somewhat inconsistently, she hears her master's voice again.
And then, as clearly as if I were in immediate danger, Edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear.
“Just blow him,” he told me.
Okay, actually, he says “Be happy.” Still, the fact that it happens distracts Bella enough that Jacob notices and the moment is ruined. Oh well. Then Jacob starts freaking out.
“OH!” The breath whooshed out of Jacob like someone had punched him in the gut. “Holy crap!”
He smells a vampire nearby, but as they start pulling away in a panic Bella sees a car: Carlisle's Mercedes. Holy crap indeed! Jacob keeps zooming down the street and won't stop the car, but finally Bella gets him to understand it's one or more Cullens back there, not Victoria. And of course, he gets pissy. He tells her to drive herself to the house. “I can't go back. Treaty or no treaty, that's my enemy in there.” He leaves like his old asshole self, his face realigned into Sam's Jacob Face of harsh lines and meanness, and Bella feels bad for about five seconds before gunning it back to her place.
On the way in, she realizes that the flame she saw in the water was probably actually Victoria's hair. Why are you remembering this now? There is something very important happening RIGHT THIS SECOND, and you're dwelling on a weird thing you saw hours ago? WHO IS IN THE HOUSE!? Carlisle? Edward? It's like S. Meyer is trying to have her cliffhanger and eat her big reveal, too!
Bella concludes that Juliet would have “tried to settle into the scraps of life that were left behind.” Sounds fun! Bella reevaluates her obsession with recklessness in the light of actual potential death and feels like an asshole.
Harry's heart attack had pushed everything into perspective for me. Perspective that I didn't want to see, because – if I admitted to the truth of it – it would mean that I would have to change my ways.
Ugh, I know Bella. The perspective that you don't want to see is the worst kind of perspective. It's a good thing perspective isn't really something you “see” anyway, is it? Bella sits next to the still-sleeping Jacob on the couch, and possibly rubs one out.
Images from my ill-considered afternoon stunt rolled through my head while I tried to come.
Just kidding.
Images from my ill-considered afternoon stunt rolled through my head while I tried to come up with something pleasant to think about... the feel of the air as I fell, the blackness of the water, the thrashing of the current...Edward's face...I lingered there for a long time.
See, that last line is actually what I was talking about, but sometimes other opportunities present themselves (which is what she said). Billy comes home and tells them Harry is dead. Well, yeah. Charlie is still at the hospital with Harry's wife, and everyone is really sad for a while. Billy goes off to his room and sits silently, which is actually kind of an affecting image, despite the fact that Harry's death isn't inherently very weighty. Jacob drives Bella home in the truck, keeping his arm around her for warmth.
Bella starts thinking about “staking a claim” on Jacob, which sounds like she's actually going to kiss him or something. I'm so used to adding in sexual subtext that it's weird for it to actually be here. She's also planning on making it clear to him that he is the scraps of her life she is settling for, which seems like a stupid and mean thing to say.
I would have to commit to this – commit as much of me as there was left, every one of the broken pieces. It was the only way to be fair to him. Would I? Could I?
Whoa, what are we talking about here? “Commit as much of me as there was left?” There's a weird moment where they hug and Bella considers putting the moves on him. Seriously.
If I turned my face to the side – if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder...I knew without any doubt exactly what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight.
Damn, girl! It's hard to believe this is really happening! Bella agonizes over the decision, and somewhat inconsistently, she hears her master's voice again.
And then, as clearly as if I were in immediate danger, Edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear.
“Just blow him,” he told me.
Okay, actually, he says “Be happy.” Still, the fact that it happens distracts Bella enough that Jacob notices and the moment is ruined. Oh well. Then Jacob starts freaking out.
“OH!” The breath whooshed out of Jacob like someone had punched him in the gut. “Holy crap!”
He smells a vampire nearby, but as they start pulling away in a panic Bella sees a car: Carlisle's Mercedes. Holy crap indeed! Jacob keeps zooming down the street and won't stop the car, but finally Bella gets him to understand it's one or more Cullens back there, not Victoria. And of course, he gets pissy. He tells her to drive herself to the house. “I can't go back. Treaty or no treaty, that's my enemy in there.” He leaves like his old asshole self, his face realigned into Sam's Jacob Face of harsh lines and meanness, and Bella feels bad for about five seconds before gunning it back to her place.
On the way in, she realizes that the flame she saw in the water was probably actually Victoria's hair. Why are you remembering this now? There is something very important happening RIGHT THIS SECOND, and you're dwelling on a weird thing you saw hours ago? WHO IS IN THE HOUSE!? Carlisle? Edward? It's like S. Meyer is trying to have her cliffhanger and eat her big reveal, too!
Hey, I just thought of something: What if Juliet had come home one day and there was a vampire in her house? What would she do?
P.S. Christopher Mintz-Plasse, of Superbad and Kick-Ass fame, has called for Emma Roberts to kill herself. In jest, but still, this gesture must be recognized. He is on our side in this.
2 comments:
The Baz Luhrmann version of Romeo and Juliet was on the other night and all I could think about was this stupid metaphor the entire time I was watching it.
Oh my god, you are hilarious.
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