BLOGGING NEW MOON, pt. 22: Up In The Air

Previous entires can be found in the directory.

Chapter 19: Race

Alice and Bella make their flight “with seconds to spare” which is definitely something they let you do on a cross-country flight to New York City. Hey, when those full-body scanners start being used everywhere, will that be the end of air travel for vampires? Will they be able to glamour their way past the TSA employees? Have we ever gotten confirmation that these vampires actually can glamour people? (Remember Edward turning the full penetrating force of his liquid topaz eyes on Bella in Twilight?) In the next few chapters, Alice simply uses her hotness to get her way with various humans, so that might be S. Meyer's simplified take.

Bella is jittery and impatient as the flight attendants go about their business before takeoff. “Why the fuck didn't I bring Jasper so I could put this bitch to bed?” Alice asks in exasperation. She takes the phone off the back of the seat before they've even finished climbing, not giving a fuck about a dirty look from the stewardess (S. Meyer's term) nor the fifteen bucks a minute the call costs.

“I'm rich, bitch!”- Alice Cullen

Speak of the telekinetic Valium-dispensing devil, Alice calls Jasper to fill him in. Bella tries to tune out the conversation, but she overhears Alice trying to persuade Jasper not to come, telling him it wouldn't be any use. Then this happens:

“One way or another, I'll get out...And I love you.” [paragraph break sic:]
She hung up, and leaned back in her seat with her eyes closed. “I hate lying to him.”

Bella wants to know why Alice is calling off reinforcements, and her complicated reasons for doing so make for one of the most compelling parts of this book so far. The first reason, the one she gave Jasper, was that seeing any member of his family before seeing Bella might set Edward off and make him act more swiftly. Bella raises the obvious question: if Edward spotted Jasper (or whoever) in Volterra, wouldn't he read Jasper's (or whoever's) mind and see that Bella was alive? “If you had died, I would still try to stop him,” Alice says. “And I would be thinking 'she's alive, she's alive' as hard as I could. He knows that.”

But the more honest reason why Alice called Jasper off is that she is worried that he would try to fight the Volturi, were Edward killed. “I can't lose Jasper like that,” she says.

I realized why her eyes begged for my understanding. She was protecting Jasper, at our expense, and maybe at Edward's, too. I understood, and I did not think badly of her.

Alice goes on to explain that she was lying to Jasper when she promised she would get out no matter what. “It's not something I can guarantee – not by a long shot,” she says with a “grim smile.” So she's trying to protect him while fully aware that she might not live to see him again anyway. She's willing to sacrifice herself for her brother's relationship, but won't put her relationship at risk. I'm singling this out because it is a morally complex situation that is, for once, explicated as a morally complex situation. Just a few pages ago, Alice mentioned that Edward was planning a killing spree in Volterra, and said killing spree was only acknowledged as a threat to Edward and not, you know, a threat to the people he would kill. In other words, for the most part, S. Meyer still has a kind of terrifying Roland Emmerich-ian worldview. So I'll take little bits of progress where I can, however transitory they may be.

Bella starts asking about the Volturi, and Alice gives her a couple of vague details – they are the biggest “family” of vampires in the world. The second biggest, as it turns out, are the Cullens. So maybe there is a kind of America vs. Europe angle to this thing; the Voluturi is part Vatican, part Royal Family. I was just watching True Blood season 2 and I really enjoyed the whole “Church of the Sun” storyline, which involved an anti-vampire mega-church (sort of in the Ted Hagee mold) and grew into a kind of sweeping broad-stroke condemnation of George W. Bush's America. Which, you know, was unexpected. The first season of True Blood was an allegory for the plight of gays and lesbians, sure, but it was primarily a show about people having sex in fast motion. True Blood ain't literature; it is explicit about its symbolism to a degree only rivaled by Twilight, and compared to Alan Ball's last show (Six Feet Under) it's pretty trashy and ridiculous. But it's got a good message, one of tolerance and anti-extremism (and high speed sex), and I can appreciate the fact that a show like True Blood will even get through to the really thick people out there. I similarly adore all of the admittedly heavy-handed stuff about “Pure Bloods” in Harry Potter. It should come as no surprise that I totally lionize the Southern Poverty Law Center.

Anyway, the Volturi, like the Cullens, have extra powers. “Like Edward and I, Aro and Marcus are... talented.” That's “Edward and me,” Alice. It's not something I would normally point out (since I make this mistake all the time) but S. Meyer makes fleeting stabs at giving Alice antiquated diction, so you know, don't bring the stuff unless you can do the thing, so to speak. We don't hear exactly what they can do, but Alice says it makes what she can do “look like a parlor trick.” I/me confusion aside, I think S. Meyer does a pretty good job at making Alice seem like someone who has yet to shake off a few affectations from (I would guess) the 1920s. Better than Edward "gentle cadences" Cullen, anyway.

The Volturi are socially stratified – there's the core members, the guard, and then some hangers-on. It's probably not that important; for those of us on Team Alice, the most important thing is that Alice spends like ten minutes whispering in Bella's ear about the Volturi. Sweet nothings, more or less.

The Volturi are big on enforcing the rules, or rather, the one rule: Don't Talk About Vampire Club. They are particularly proud of the fact that they have controlled Volterra in secret for something like three thousand years. What good is political power if no one knows about it? If a vampire knocks down a tree in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound? But Edward's plan will make them very angry. Bella notes that she has no trouble saying his name - “Maybe it's because I wasn't really planning on living much longer without seeing him. Or at all, if we were too late.” She expresses as much enthusiasm for death to Alice, who obviously kind of flips out.

“Knock it off, you crazy bitch, or we're turning around in New York and going back to Forks.”

She tells Bella she's going to drag her self-pitying ass back to Charlie whether Edward lives or dies. I'm beginning to think a (nonsexual, if it needs to be) relationship with Alice is probably the best thing this girl has going for her right now. But Alice tells our narrator to shut up so she can concentrate, and proceeds to essentially go into a trance. She goes totally still ("like a stone sculture," Bella says. I thought we agreed you would shut up, Bella) and remains that way for a few hours. As the plane begins to descend toward New York, Bella can't bring herself to interrupt Alice - who stays in a trance even as the plane roughly lands. I feel like the more we see of Alice's power, the more it somehow manages to simultaneously make more and less sense. Finally Bella shakes her, and Alice really has very little to report. Edward is getting closer, thinking about how he is going to ask the Volturi for death. ...And!? What the hell else was Alice doing all that time?

"Shhhhh. Don't tell Bella about all of the Valium, she'll be such a bitch about it."

Bella talks a lot about thinking in this chapter, and as with all of Bella's internal monologues, it sort of sucks to read. And eventually it stops making sense altogether:

I was grateful that I'd had so many months' practice with controlling my thoughts. Instead of dwelling on the terrifying possibilities that, no matter what Alice said, I did not intend to survive, I concentrated on lesser problems.

Huh? I read that four or five times before I realized it really was bad and I hadn't just finally gone crazy. Either it's a typo, and it should read "the terrifying POSSIBILITY that, no matter what Alice said..." which is a sort of convoluted expression of Bella's horror at her own current state of despair, or Bella is talking about "not surviving possibilities." Like, a possibility is something you can survive? There's also, while we're at it, a weird continuity error in this chapter. There's much ado about the man sitting next to Bella, who for a time seems to eavesdropping on their conversation. Bella gives him a look and says he "very conspicuously" puts headphones on. Later, after Alice goes into a trance, they put on a movie. "[M]y neighbor got headphones," Bella says. A different set of headphones?

Bella sweats the smaller stuff for a while, realizing that Charlie is probably very angry and her relationship with Jacob is probably permanently fucked. She's also still operating under the insane assumption that Edward doesn't like her anyway, so even if they save him he'll just be like "Okay, thanks. Well, I'll call you sometime," and they'll part ways at the airport. "Maybe I didn't want to survive, no matter what happened." Oh good, very healthy.

Bella falls asleep and Alice starts talking to her a few hours later; it's one of those weird flights where they expect everyone to sleep, and Bella notes that Alice is talking a little too loudly (still pretty wasted, then). The Volturi have already heard Edward's request, and they are planning to turn him down, offering him a job instead. I guess The Volturi don't care much about the emotional states of their employees. I tried to get a job at a Borders once and I had to fill out like, a 30-page psychological profile. "Do you ever feel so angry you want to kill everyone?" and so on. I ended up working at a Korean Barbecue place instead.

A flight attendant (S. Meyer uses "flight attendent" when she wants to indicate a male, and "stewardess" when referring to a female. That could be the cornerstone of a Gender Studies paper on this book) comes over and whispers at them if they want a pillow, which Bella takes as a passive-aggressive "shut the fuck up." But Alice turns and beams at him, "her smile shockingly lovely," and he stumbles off in a daze. "I still got it," Alice mumbles.

(I realize that there once was a time when I tried to indicate when I was adding my own dialog to this book - I even used to cite page numbers. I think it's a little more fun to leave it a mystery, which is what she said.)

S. Meyer maybe senses the support beams of our credulity creaking (how's that for a metaphor?) so Alice and Bella have a more in-depth conversation about how Alice's power works. Some things just come to her on their own, but when she really concentrates on events in the near future, she can see them more clearly. She's also better at seeing the future for vampires than humans. (Does that mean Edward is better at reading vampire thoughts? The living situation in the Cullen house must be worse for him than I even thought. When he leaves the rest of his family their sex lives must get out of control.)

Turns out Bella is pushing the questions about Alice's powers because of Alice's former prediction that Bella herself would be a vampire. Alice seems really disappointed about that, and this happens:

"Actually, Bella..." She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. "Honestly, I think it's all gotten beyond ridiculous. I'm debating whether to just change you myself."

Now we're talking. Bella gets exuberant again, begging Alice to bite her right then and there. She's afraid if she doesn't, she'll change her mind. "No," she says. "I don't think I will." Alice has had enough of The Man (Edward) keeping her sister down. Hell yes, Alice.

Of course, this is Twilight, so any step Alice makes toward feminine empowerment is undone moments later. Bella starts thinking about how great it will be when she is a sexy vampire.

If Alice made good on her promise - and if she didn't kill me - then Edward could run after his distractions all he wanted, and I could follow.

So, "I'll just turn into an obsessive stalker," in other words. It gets worse.

I wouldn't let him be distracted. Maybe, when I was beautiful and strong, he wouldn't want distractions.

Such a positive message for young girls! One day, the perfect guy will come along. And if you can be transformed, by magic, into someone pretty, then he will like you! I mean, he might like you sort of as an ugly human, but he'll like you so much more when you are paranormal-sexy. Let's take the self-esteem issues created by models on magazine covers and amplify them by a thousand percent. Now it is LITERALLY UNATTAINABLE, FICTIONAL BEAUTY we should aspire to!

At some point they switch flights in New York; they have to run for the flight so they can't even get a Cinnabon or anything. Alice starts coming in for a harsh landing, rocking back and forth in her seat. Bella sleeps for a while and Alice wakes her with the news that the Volturi have given Edward their refusal. Edward is contemplating suicide missions. Alice says Edward planned for a while on going hunting:

"In the city," she explained. "It got very close. He changed his mind at the last minute."

"He wouldn't want to disappoint Carlisle," I mumbled. Not at the end.

RIGHT, that's what's important about this. Not that he decided to and then almost actually did kill a bunch of innocent people. One of the more appealing aspects of The Wire was the way ruthless gangsters were nonetheless appalled at the idea of hurting anyone who wasn't "in the game." Omar never put his gun on no civillian, you know? One of the most appalling aspects of this book is the way all of those considerations are completely ignored.

"Who are those normal people, anyway? They're not important to this story! It's about THESE TWO people who love each other, not any other people who may or may not love each other. What are you even talking about, 'morally reprehensible?' What does that mean?"-S. Meyer

ANYWAY, Edward has decided to walk out into the sun in front of a bunch of civilians. Because he is so distraught and suicidal, he's going to wait until tomorrow at noon. Okay. So our rescuers have a little time. But the plane touches down, and now they've got to get to Volterra, and fast.

[Alice] eyed me speculatively. "How strongly are you opposed to grand theft auto?"

In the sitcom version of this, that would totally become Alice's catch phrase. She's already engaged in some serious evidence tampering in Twilight, and I hope Alice's propensity for petty crimes continues into future books.

"How strongly are you opposed to breaking and entering?"-Alice, in Eclipse

"How strongly are you opposed to the production and distribution of narcotics?"-Alice, in Breaking Dawn

"How strongly are you opposed to first-degree murder?"-Alice, in Bree Tanner

Outside the airport, Alice picks Bella up in a bright yellow Porsche. "Sheesh, Alice," Bella says. "Could you pick a more conspicuous car to steal?" We've been chronicling S. Meyer's struggles with the definition of the word "sarcastic," and we could have celebrated a victory here if Bella's tone was indicated as sarcastic by the author. Because this is sarcasm, for once! But alas, no mention of the word. Better luck next time.

They zoom out of the airport; Alice weaves around cars like a fucking gangster and laughs off the idea of getting caught.

"Thug life"

She's still scanning the future, and starts complaining about seeing big crowds of people. She asks Bella what the date is, and it turns out it is some kind of Volterran holiday. Alice says it's "ironic," because this is the date on which Volterrans celebrate the day, thousands of years ago, when St. Marcus chased all of the vampires out of their city. Of course, St. Marcus is just Marcus, one of the Volturi leaders (they have a triumvirate thing going on, so there's three popes in the Vampire Vatican) and the whole thing is some kind of myth the Volturi made up for kicks and giggles, since the place is lousy with vampires. These dudes are weird. Alice comments on as much:

"And vampires don't trouble Volterra, so they must work." Her smile was sardonic.

No, no, no, no, no! S. Meyer, That is sarcastic! Virtually everything you have referred to so far as "sarcastic" was "sardonic" (which I think Kim pointed out very astutely a few weeks ago) and now you finally find the right word for your failed attempts at sarcasm just as you've finally succeeded! Could this get any worse? When Bella says, a line later, "I was realizing what she meant when she'd said ironic," it somehow makes it SO MUCH WORSE.

And then they get to Volterra, and finally, everyone has to shut the fuck up and let there be some action for once. When you find yourself longing for an action scene as described by S. Meyer, you know you're in trouble.