BLOGGING NEW MOON, pt. 20: Alice, At Last

Okay everybody. We have slogged through the last ten chapters or so enduring werewolves, disconcerting domestic-abuse imagery, and the horrors of Bella's “unconscious mind.” Some of you might have questioned whether or not it was worth it. Well guess what? It was, it definitely was. Because ALICE IS BACK! ALICE IS BACK! HALLELUJAH, ALICE IS BACK! Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 17: Visitor

When the lights come up and Bella gets her bearings, Alice is standing there in the middle of the hallway, looking “hot as fuck” (Bella's words, not mine. Okay, they're mine). Naturally, Bella goes a little apeshit. “I locked my arms around her, gasping to inhale as much of her scent as possible.” Clearly some of the sexual tension from the car has transferred over, and rightly so. But more than anything it reminds me of this:

Alice is, naturally, a little taken aback.

“Bella?” There was a strange mingling of relief and confusion in her voice.

Bella starts sobbing. Alice carries her into the living room and sits Bella on her lap like a baby. “She rubbed my back in a gentle rhythm, waiting for me to get control of myself,” Bella says. I'm glad that our heroine's ridiculous emotional state has finally become a punchline, but it's a give and take. This sort of thing is back with a vengeance:

It was like curling up into a cool stone, but a stone that was contoured comfortingly to the shape of my body.

It would probably not be fun to have sex with Alice, come to think of it. It's not surprising that the boring stone metaphors follow the Cullens everywhere they go, but it is a little weird that some of S. Meyer's syntactical tics (that I thought we'd long ago overcome) have also returned. What is the deal with this bizarre construction?

Alice sighed. “I'd forgotten how exuberant you are,” she said, and her tone was disapproving.

What's wrong with “she said, her tone disapproving”? Is it a matter of clarity? How dumb does S. Meyer think we are? This happened all the time in Twilight, and might have actually happened a few times in this book. I'm certainly not going to go back and check! Good riddance, last ten chapters! Anyway, Alice's tone is disapproving, and she's straining away from Bella as much as possible, at which point our heroine realizes Alice is trying not to eat her.

She was thirsty. And I smelled appetizing.

And yet in a page or two something will happen that is totally inconsistent with this moment. But who cares? Alice! She tells Bella it isn't her fault – she was in a rush today. “Speaking of which,” Alice says, “would you like to explain to me how you're alive?” Bella, who for weeks has been LITERALLY incapable of putting two and two together, figures out immediately that Alice saw her on the cliff. I'm not complaining that Bella is suddenly operating at normal human intelligence levels again so much as I am still complaining about what a dipshit she was for the last few chapters. Did she sustain a head injury on the motorcycle a few weeks ago?

“You saw me fall.”

“No, she disagreed, her eyes narrowing. “I saw you jump.”

Right. Why would Bella say “fall?” We will eventually realize that Alice thinks Bella was trying to kill herself, and Bella will try to explain the truth, but under both interpretations of the events, Bella jumped. It's a question of motive, not action. It's also another misunderstanding, by the way, though this one is a little more believable than most of the last 500 misunderstandings. (Yes, I am currently claiming that a plot development involving a vampire with imperfect visions of the future is "believable.") Bella gets distracted listening to the sound of Alice's voice (understandable) and forgets to set her straight for a while; Alice talks as though she always sort of expected Bella to try and kill herself, which doesn't seem like the nicest thing to say to a friend, even if it is really, really true. Edward, we hear, forbid Alice from keeping tabs on Bella, but the vision of the cliff jump came to her involuntarily. (I'm perfectly okay with the inconsistencies in Alice's power, which is something a lot of people object to. Isn't the whole idea supposed to be that it is inconsistent? Or does Alice just give me the literary equivalent of beer goggles?)

Apparently Alice saw Bella fall, and without even really thinking about it, got on a a plane “thinking maybe I could help Charlie somehow.” WHOA. Alice sensed that Charlie needed her so she came running. I know I can't really simultaneously pull for Alice to hook up with Bella and her father, I just haven't decided which way to go with it.

Bella finally speaks up and tries to convince Alice that she wasn't killing herself, but Alice isn't buying it. I'm not either, really. She saw the storm coming and decided to jump anyway. When the current got her she all but gave up immediately. Maybe it wasn't a 100% suicidal act, but there's still plenty of worrisome, cry-for-help behavior going on here! Bella mentions Jacob saving her, which confuses Alice; she didn't see that part. She frowns “in perplexity” (just how I like my women: frowning in perplexity) and starts sniffing Bella.

“Don't be ridiculous, she muttered, sniffing at me some more.

Alice tells Bella she smells awful, which you'd think would have been a factor a few seconds ago when Alice was so tempted by Bella's smell, but whatever! This chapter has a very tenuous grip on coherence, but Alice is in it!

Bella explains that Jacob is a werewolf (apparently the source of the smell); she's not really in the business of keeping anyone's secrets anymore, huh? When you narrow your social circle down to almost solely monsters masquerading as humans, your day-to-day considerations change a lot. Alice is only vaguely aware of werewolves; she was not with the Cullens when the treaty was made. For the most part, she also seems only vaguely aware that Bella is talking to her. Bella asks her if she was around for the treaty twice before she answers, which is either really sloppy writing or really great writing, I haven't decided. But Bella keeps mentioning how distracted Alice seems.

“I took a lot of valium before takeoff,” Alice murmured.

Actually, Alice is still worried about not "seeing" Jacob. I'd be dwelling on that too – Bella is getting pretty needy and I'm sure Alice had to leave a great orgy or coke party to get back to Forks. And then to find out there's not even going to be any sympathy sex with Charlie for her trouble? What a drag.

Alice eventually sobers up (or Bella just kills her buzz) enough to chew Bella out for associating with werewolves, which is exactly what I called for a few weeks ago. Bella is too happy to bother objecting to the tongue-lashing (heh), though she rises to the defense of the wolves to say they've protected her from Victoria. Alice, obviously, is like “Stop. Rewind that!” and makes Bella tell her the story from the beginning. Bella gives her the abridged version of the last fourteen chapters; when she gets to the part about Victoria, Alice's eyes narrow to “two slits,” and Bella gets freaked out by how badass she looks.

It was strange to see her look so...so dangerous – like a vampire.

Am I the only person who honestly felt like Alice and Bella were going to start making out? If anything turns Bella on, it's danger. But if Bella had any plans to seduce Alice, she drops them when she realizes Charlie will be home soon. Alice starts talking like she shouldn't have come, and Bella says what we're all thinking.

“Don't go, Alice,” I whispered.

Alice agrees to stay the night, and tells Bella she looks “like hell.”

“I drowned today,” I reminded her.

“It goes deeper than that. You're a mess.”

They commiserate over the stupidity of Edward's decision - “What did you think you were going to find?” Bella asks. “Did you expect to find me skipping around and whistling show tunes?” - and Alice agrees with Bella's implication that Edward is a dumb asshole. So forget about him, ladies! You have each other, and that's all you need! You don't need Jacob either – he calls to make sure Bella didn't get ripped to shreds by Victoria in an ambush, which is nice, but then hangs up on her almost as soon as she answers.

Alice squeezed my hand. “They aren't excited I'm here.”

“Not especially. But it's none of their business anyway.”

Alice put her arm around me. “So what do we do now?”

I can think of a few things. (Alice is really physically attentive, huh? I'm not imagining all of this sexual subtext.) Alice wants to talk to Carlisle, but Bella begs her not to leave any time soon. I'm so used to hating all of Bella's decisions that it's weird to be completely on her side. So much has changed!

“You can stay here – Charlie would love that.”

“I have a house, Bella.”

I nodded, disappointed but resigned. She hesitated, studying me.

“Well, I need to go get a suitcase of clothes, at the very least.”

I threw my arms around her.

STOP PLAYING WITH MY MIND, S. MEYER! Who wrote this chapter?

Alice needs to get clothes (“Pick out something sexy”-Bella) and hunt, so we all have to part with her briefly. “Can you stay out of trouble for one hour?” Alice asks.

Then, before I could answer, she held up one finger and closed her eyes. Her face went smooth and blank for a few seconds.

She sees the future, folks! Tip your waitresses! Alice will (hopefully) be here all week. She kisses Bella on the cheek and leaves. Bella takes a shower (self-consciously sniffing herself for whatever disgusted Alice so much, which is exactly what I would do), makes up a bed for Alice on the couch (“Alice wouldn't need it, but Charlie would need to see it,” Bella says, and I had to remind myself it was because Alice was a vampire and not because they'd be fucking all night) and has dinner. Bella still has some time left before Alice will be back, but when she goes into the living room to wait, Alice is already there. She doesn't disappoint, this one. Jacob keeps saying he'll show up and then he doesn't. Alice comes back early. Are you taking notes, Bella?

I sat down next to her and leaned my head on her shoulder. She put her cold arms around me and sighed.
“Bella. What are we going to do with you?”

(I realize that the passages I'm quoting give the impression that Bella and Alice spend the entire chapter kissing and hugging, but I'm actually not exaggerating it that much.) Alice tells Bella that Edward doesn't know she's here, and Bella realizes (again, it's weird that Bella is realizing things) that the only way that could be true is if Edward is not with the Cullens. “He checks in every few months.” Meanwhile, Jasper didn't come because he didn't think Alice should interfere.

“We promised....” she trailed off, and then her tone changed. “And you think Charlie won't mind my being here?”

Those four periods are S. Meyer's, not mine. I counted a few times. I kind of wish Bella would press Alice on that first thought ("I wish Bella would press Alice in general,"-Quil Ateara). What kind of weird deal did Alice strike with Jasper? Other than the open relationship deal? Charlie gets home, too stunned to even notice Bella until she hugs him in the driveway. I don't know if Harry's death was supposed to make us feel more sympathy for Charlie than Harry himself, but that is sort of how it works. “I'm really going to miss him,” he says. Aw, I want to hug Charlie too! Alice comes out and greets him, and Charlie asks after Carlisle. Everybody realizes that Charlie is trying to find out if Edward is in town, so he can kick his ass. Team Charlie.

Alice went back to the couch, and I followed her. This time, she was the one to pull me against her shoulder.

We find out that even Dr. Cullen himself doesn't know about Alice's return; he's out on a hunting trip. Alice promises not to tell Edward about it at all. (That would be kind of hard, what with the mind-reading, right?) Bella falls asleep in Alice's arms, and when she wakes up in the morning she overhears Charlie and Alice talking in the kitchen; he seems to be making her breakfast.

“That thing you did where you flipped around and bent backwards on top of me– how did you do that?” Charlie was asking.
“Yoga classes, my friend,” Alice replied.

Okay, I'm kidding. They are actually talking about Bella's Blue Period, the months directly proceeding Edward's departure. Charlie is incredibly articulate for several pages, which actually strikes me as a pretty great character note and not an inconsistency. He acts like this gruff, dumb guy, but it turns out he's very perceptive and has basically known exactly what Bella was thinking at all times for the past six months.

It turns out Bella was a lot more horrorshow than we even knew – she essentially went catatonic for the first week, and Charlie flew Renee in to drag her to Florida. When her parents started packing her bags, Bella lost it and started throwing shit everywhere and screaming. “Then she finally started crying,” Charlie says. (At which point Renee apparently left? Nice parenting, Renee. “Well, she's not catatonic. My work is done here.”)

Charlie has picked up on every affectation that Jacob noticed earlier; Bella avoids music (he found a bunch of CDs broken in the trash, which really bothered me as an image. Don't hurt CDs!) and TV and anything that would remind her of Edward. He says she would only answer direct questions for weeks and lost touch with all of her friends. “It was night of the living dead around here.”

He talks about the changes Bella went through when she started hanging out with Jacob. “I know she used to think of him as a friend, but I think maybe it's something more now, or headed in that direction, anyway.” Nothing gets past this dude, huh? It's kind of a great reveal; we're seeing this side of Charlie that we might have already assumed existed, but now it is being confirmed. He praises Jacob for a while, saying he's “old for his years” which is kind of an unusual turn of phrase, but maybe it's a regional thing. Charlie also can't seem to resist making fun of Billy when the opportunity presents itself. “He's a good looking kid, too – takes after his mom's side.” YA BURNT, Billy. I want to read some Billy/Charlie Apatowian bromance fan fic.

“Hey, Chief Swan – when are you and the rest of the Village People getting back together?” Billy asked.
“Hey, Billy, you look like Tanto's gay brother, Dicksucko,” Charlie shot back.

Charlie says he's not sure Bella will get over it. “She's always been such a constant little thing.”

“She's one of a kind,” Alice agreed in a dry voice.

YA BURNT ALSO, Bella. Alice must know that Bella is listening, right? Our heroine mentions shuddering and sighing at various points while listening to their conversation, which would probably not escape Alice's notice. There's some silence during which they are apparently eating, ("I wondered where Alice was hiding the food," Bella says) and Charlie finally asks Alice if Edward is coming back. "The last time I spoke with him, he was in South America," Alice says. That seems like maybe too much information to give Charlie. Yep, you know that boy you assumed was just a normal high school kid? He's living on his own in South America right now, like all normal kids sometimes do. Charlie seems too relieved to be suspicious.

Bella pretends to wake up, and Charlie leaves to help prepare Harry's funeral. Alice and Bella apparently spend the entire day talking. Alice tells Bella about what the rest of the Cullens have been up to:

• Carlisle is working nights in Ithica and teaching part time at Cornell. That is a sitcom right there, isn't it? Adjunct Vampire Professor. Oh shit, I just found my new band name.
• Esme is apparently restoring a seventeenth century house, “a historical monument.” Okay, so now we know one thing about Esme: she likes to restore houses. Are you even allowed to restore a historical monument? Esme is also apparently very good at ingratiating herself with with local government, I guess.
• Jasper is studying philosophy at Cornell, because obviously he is. There isn't even a punchline to that one; it already is a punchline. ("Could Jasper BE anymore angsty?"- Jacob Bing)
• Rosalie and Emmett were in Europe. Those two are globetrotters these days, huh? They kind of remind me of my aunt Ruth in that way. If they start telling Bella to wash her hair more, they will be exactly like her.

Meanwhile, Alice has gone on a reconnaissance mission to discover her true identity, which she found.

“My name was Mary Alice Brandon,” she told me quietly. “I had a little sister named Cynthia. Her daughter – my niece – is still alive in Biloxi.”

It's kind of weird that Alice would have picked a name for herself that was in her actual name, the one she had no memory of, but whatever. Maybe everyone was named Alice back then? Alice found her own gravestone, too – her death date was the same day as her admission to the insane asylum. It's a great, gothic little detail, and I wish we could get a little more of this story.

Speaking of not getting a lot of the story, Bella's day with Alice apparently stops there. It took all day to give Bella that much information? She mentions sleeping on the couch with Alice again, and then we cut to Charlie coming down the stairs the next morning. It seems like S. Meyer can't imagine how Bella and Alice would spend a whole day together. (Discussion question: what do YOU think they did?) Charlie leaves for the funeral the next morning, and Bella decides to do chores while Alice keeps her company. Not a very good host, Bella! Also, Bella is not going to the funeral?

Alice asks after all of the Forks kids, or as she calls them, "my old conquests." Not that Bella can tell her much about what they've been up to. "Her face stayed casual and emotionless, but I sensed her disapproval when she realized how little I could tell her," Bella says.

"Nah, I don't give a fuck."- Alice Cullen

The doorbell rings, and Alice looks a little freaked out; she doesn't know who it is. She guesses it is Jacob Black & Friends.

I stared at her, putting it together. "You can't see werwolves?"

She grimaced. "So it would seem. Also, who the fuck else would it be?"

What a twist! What a convenient way to get around inconsistencies in Alice's power! "Well, there must have been a werewolf there." Suck it, haters! Alice leaves then, because she doesn't want to have to kill a bunch of teenage boys. Why not, Alice? This book would be so much better if she just walked out there and ended these fuckers. Jacob screws everything up.