BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt. 23: A Wolf At The Door (It Girl. Rag Doll.)

I had a dream last night that I was a vampire at a vampire school where Voldemort was the headmaster and Anna Kendrick was one of the other students. My life is fucked up. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 17 (con't): Alliance

At the party, Bella begrudgingly socializes while Edward clings silently and ragefully to her arm. How must that look? People probably think Edward is either way too protective or an agoraphobe or like, Bella's weird (un)dead fetal twin. Talk to someone, dude! It's a party! He suddenly disappears, as if taking my advice, and Bella scours the crowd for him while ignoring Jessica. I'd assumed we were done with Jessica as a character, and we probably are despite this little coda; she doesn't even have any quoted dialogue in this scene – our narrator just tells us she's talking. Bella finally spots Edward talking to someone and realizes it's Alice when the lights reflect off her sequined shirt. See, that is why you don't wear sequins. Okay, that's not why.

By the time Bella gets to where Edward and Alice were, only Alice is left. Her face is “blank” and she is gripping the door frame for support. When Alice and Edward had their heads bent together, is Bella sure they were talking?

Whatever happened, Bella doesn't get a chance to find out. The doorbell rings and Alice looks up “with a puzzled expression that quickly turned into one of disgust.” Those facial expressions are very much in Ashley Greene's wheelhouse. (“I got this.”-Ashley Greene). Jacob has arrived at the party. Alice tells Bella to deal with it and takes off. Bella's so frustrated, she actually swears(!):

“Damn it!” I grumbled.

She doesn't answer the doorbell but Jacob, with Quil and Embry, very tentatively enters the party anyway. Bella blows off Jacob's greeting (he's still across the room, but the geography of this scene is, as always, vague) and continues to look for Alice, but Jacob finds her and pulls her forcibly from the crowd. Oh boy, we're off to a great start! I'll give Jacob a little credit – when he grabs Bella's chin to better get her attention (shudder) she tells him to keep his hands to himself, and he immediately stops and apologizes for everything. Then Bella still tries to get away from him, and he says “I guess you'd rather be with your real friends,” sulking like a little boy. That's ordinarily low, Jacob, but for you it's progress.

It works on Bella, and he gives her a gift that seals the deal. There's some bland “white girl doesn't understand other cultures” humor (which is pretty advanced for S. Meyer, I suppose) when Jacob hands her a woven bag in which the gift is contained and Bella assumes the bag is the gift. But really it's a hand carved bracelet-charm of a wolf, carved out of “some red-brown wood that matched the color of [Jacob's] skin.” NEVER FORGET: JACOB IS ETHNIC. Anyway, Jacob made the charm himself. The combination of a homemade gift and an exotic origin (tradition passed down from Native American father to son) makes Bella unbelievably horny. There's a sexually charged scene where Bella thinks Jacob's “big fingers” aren't going to be able to get the bracelet fastened, but he gets it in easily (you're welcome).

But Bella can't be distracted for too long, and Jacob realizes that something is up. He demands to know the deal – recall that he doesn't know about the vampire army or anything – and Bella tries to plead ignorance. Jacob and his boys gang up on her, literally backing her into a corner. Very symbolic, and also hot. Bella sees Alice coming down the stairs and calls her over. “She put her arm around my waist,” Bella says. That's easily my favorite sentence from his book so far. Several more awesome things happen at once. Alice tries to pull Bella away, saying “I need to talk to you” which I assume is code for “let's go have sex in my room,” and Jacob extends an arm to block their way.

Alice stared up at him, eyes wide and incredulous. “Excuse me?”

Finally, a reasonable reaction to this shit! (I think it's interesting to read this series as a battle between S. Meyer's better angels and worst impulses. Lately I've been seeing it that way instead of just assuming that our dear author is literally insane. Alice and a few other characters seem to be actively pushing against the reprehensible current of the rest of the book, and if I didn't know better I'd assume Alice was the creation of an editor or something. But this book was clearly not edited by anyone.) Jacob growls at Alice, and Jasper appears “quite literally out of nowhere.” Jasper and slight misuses of “literally” are (literally) like peanut butter and jelly in this book. He literally gets between Jacob and his woman, “his expression terrifying.” But Alice really listens when Jacob says the wolfpack has a “right to know.” So thoughtful, that girl. She informs everyone (everyone in their little circle, that is. There is a lot of hay made out of the fact that this conversation is taking place in the middle of a party, but no one overhears them or anything so Bella's constant reminders to the reader are really sort of frivolous) that a decision has been made, and the vampire army is going to march on Forks; they have Casus Bella, so to speak.

The Cullens aren't going to have time to launch Operation Bite, Shock, and Awe as originally planned. They'll try to cut off the advancing troops, but Alice seems to think some of them will get as far as Forks. Bella looks around the room at her dancing classmates and sees a bunch of doomed bloodbags; she starts ranting about sacrificing herself (hey, has this motif about self-sacrifice been set up enough for you yet? No?) until Jacob finally interrupts and asks what they are even talking about. What took so long for Jacob to ask a question? I know Alice is pretty and all, but focus! Alice clarifies about the newborn army, how they have a disadvantage numbers-wise but not skills-wise. Jasper literally says it will be an even fight.

“No,” Jacob said, and a strange, fierce half-smile spread across his face. “It won't be even.”
“Excellent!” Alice hissed.

The wolfpack is going to join the fight. Duh. Alice is grateful for the influx of new man-meat. Her vision of the conflict disappears as soon as Jacob speaks, but she's cool with it this time (“Que sera sera, man.”-Alice Cullen). Jacob and Alice practically start fucking they are so excited, and even Jasper seems (literally) enthusiastic (“I'll watch!”-Jasper Whitlock). Bella is not so pumped. She keeps shouting “No!” and trying to fight back the tide while everyone strategizes around her. Jasper says this vampire-werewolf coalition will (literally) be “a first.” Well, okay, but they have already been cooperating as a part of Bella's security detail, Jasper! That's why this revelation, despite Alice and Jacob's enthusiasm, feels particularly unsurprising.

Can I just say how dumb and out of place I think this whole army plot is? It's like S. Meyer is trying to slip some J.R.R. Tolkien shit on us. An army is marching on Forks? Isn't this series supposed to be about interpersonal (and intermonsternal) dynamics? Why so much military history and strategy as of late, then? It's probably just to postpone the fucking; S. Meyer is running out of ways to keep these characters out of each other's pants. And war is a fairly predictable side-effect of sexual frustration, is it not? That's why the Swedes never fight. So I guess it works, on that level.

But I'm dreading this whole approaching war not because I'm particularly worried about any of the characters (except Alice), but because I'm sure S. Meyer is going to half-ass it, or find some way to not write about it at all. Bella will fall asleep like Bilbo in The Hobbit or some stupid shit like that. Am I the only person who feels like I'm watching someone write a check they can't cash?

While we're complaining, proponents of the "Bella is a passive cipher" school of thought have a lot of ammo here. Alice, Jacob, and Jasper talk business while Bella impotently pleads with Jacob to stay out of it, to save himself. I like the spirit of the gesture, but Bella looks very weak-willed and ineffective (especially compared to the awesome angry psycho we got in the last few chapters). Alice practically tells her to go play and let the adults talk. Also, shouldn't she be strapping a sword on Jacob and buying Alice and Jasper cruise tickets? They make plans to meet that night after the party is over, and Bella again tries to plead with Jacob to stay out of it. Jacob tells her to shut up, basically.

“No!” I shouted again. The sound of an electric guitar drowned my cry.

What in the? Is that supposed to be a serious moment?