BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt. 24: Ecotone

Opposed though I am to the whole “vampire war” plot, the business of preparing for it is giving us some memorable scenes. Here, the Cullens and the werewolves get a lecture of sorts from Jasper, who is still the de-facto head of the Cullen family. The Cullens operate like the Romans or something – in times of trouble they throw democracy out the window and hand the reigns to a military strongman. Let's hope Jasper is more Caesar than Caligula. Though it would be kind of awesome if he made a horse into a vampire. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 18: Instruction

Bella leaves the party (I'm sure Jessica and Mike Newton are banging in the driveway but S. Meyer doesn't say so specifically) bothered by the Cullen family's victorious mood. Alice gets Jasper to mind-drug her and more or less shoves her out the door (“Don't need that buzzkill around”-Everyone). As Edward drives her home, Bella explores the depths of her guilty conscience. She can't bear that the Cullens are risking their lives for her, but seems to characterize that the werewolves are at risk too as even worse, a characterization I find profoundly arguable. Am I an asshole for thinking that I really wouldn't mind if a few of the wolves get offed in the battle? Strictly from a literary perspective, of course. Narratively speaking, we don't really need Embry. Story-wise, he's worth more to us dead than alive. In terms of dramatic stakes, mother fucker should get put on ice.

Bella's concerns are not shared by Edward, who at first won't even take her to the training session; she threatens to call Jacob and he backs down. She could get a lot of mileage out of that Jacob card if she wanted (“Fuck me or I'll fuck Jacob.”-Bella Swan). They go to Bella's place for a while anyway, presumably so that Bella can get some rest in the interval; Charlie is asleep on the couch and Bella has to guide him upstairs and into bed in a scene that would, out of context, make Charlie look like an alcoholic rather than the overgrown boy he actually is (I say overgrown boy in the best possible way). Then Edward waits in Bella's room while she goes and changes in the bathroom. Hold up. Edward, you are doing this wrong: a girl being okay with changing in front of you is one of the best parts of a long-term relationship. Make the most of the time you've been putting in, buddy! You've earned at least that!

Plus, rather than just letting Bella sleep for a while, he tries to convince her how easy the joint vampire-werewolf battle will be. It just makes her more nervous, though it's unclear if Bella is just being stubborn or it's a “protest too much” situation. Edward makes a kind of clever point when he mentions that the newborns will have “no more idea that werewolves exist than [Bella] did.” The idea of one mythological creature being surprised by the existence of another is an amusing gag, and hopefully S. Meyer will do more with it. Instead of listening or at least appreciating a semi-original premise, Bella starts thinking about how she might be able to “focus” her “bad luck” on herself rather than her family and friends. Huh, I wonder how she'll try and do that.

Edward takes Bella out to the Cullens' old baseball field, where the Cullens are all hanging out and laughing. I feel like this story would be a lot less irritating if it was told from, say, Emmett's perspective and Bella and Edward were the ones who dropped in from time to time. That's true of most media, I suppose: there are a million character actors who are more interesting than Brad Pitt, but Richard Jenkins only gets to helm a movie once or twice in a lifetime. A better analogue might be Michael Shannon – who is apparently on Boardwalk Empire (reason #9565 I should really get HBO) now, a show which is itself led by perennial character actor Steve Buscemi. Is it any wonder this show is so acclaimed? Anyway the only Cullen who looks bummed is Alice – Edward explains that she is uncomfortable because she can't “see” anything now that the wolves are involved. Alice overhears and Bella says she sticks her tongue out at Edward, which I imagine is actually just a piece of a much ruder gesture Bella is too modest to mention.

Bella gets a-thinking (there's a decent joke: Bella says “You know what I think?” and Edward laughs and says “No.” GET IT?), and tells Edward she thinks that Victoria is probably the one who is running this vampire army. She suddenly develops a remarkable talent for filling in plot holes; parts of this section read like a Stephenie Meyer interview:

Victoria had always seemed like a force of nature to me – like a hurricane moving toward the coast in a straight line – unavoidable, implacable, but predictable. Maybe it was wrong to limit her that way. She had to be capable of adaptation.

Edward acts as the voice of the reader, pointing out the aforementioned plot holes. Bella shoots them down like clay pigeons. PULL: How would Victoria even know how to create an army? BOOM: Bella points out that Edward tracked her to Texas last year before he lost her; she could have found out about newborn armies there. PULL: “Only Aro knows exactly how Alice's visions work,” Edward says. BOOM: Laurent used to live with Tanya and the gang, who would have known a bit about Alice's powers, and Laurent could have told Victoria. Well, that one is kind of a stretch! Also: wasn't a major plot point at the end of New Moon the fact that Aro had an imperfect understanding of Alice's visions? He assumed they were the whole truth, which is why he let Edward, Bella, and Alice go. But whatever!

Edward seems only mildly skeptical of Bella's conspiracy theory – he still primarily suspects the Volturi. Edward's got a problem with authority, huh? But he agrees that Victoria has “a remarkable gift for self-preservation,” suggesting that “maybe it's a talent of hers.” You're really pushing it with the super-powers these days, S. Meyer. First the vampire who “sees relationships” and now super-preservation powers? Next we're going to meet a vampire who is supernaturally good at canning foods (he almost died of Botulism as a human). To seal off this little meta-section, Edward notes that Bella is “very perceptive today.” This is the literary equivalent of a band-aid on a gaping ax wound. One character looks at another and says “Hey, you're acting different today!” ALL FIXED.

The wolfpack shows up, in wolf form, and it turns out there are ten of them now. Everyone is like, “shit.” Edward has to speak Sam Uley's thoughts out loud, and he apparently adopts Sam Uley's voice, or at least his Buddha-like affect. It's been oft-hinted that vampires are particularly good impressionists – remember that Alice did a mean Edward-voice in New Moon – what could the pseudo-scientific Meyerian explanation for that be? Do vampires need to make a lot of prank phone calls to ensure survival?

Carlisle briefly explains the brute-force-using, dim-witted ways of the newborns to the wolves, then yields the floor to Jasper. Remember who is in charge here, folks. Jasper doesn't mince words. The first rule of Newborn Fight Club is “don't let them get their arms around you.” Easy enough. Second rule: “don't go for the obvious kill.” They should all watch the Saw movies as research, then. Jasper points out that Emmett is the dumbest member of the family (basically) so the two of them spar while Jasper demonstrates technique. When Jasper wins, he calls Alice forward for the next round.

What follows is equal parts great and irritating. Alice uses her visions to predict Jasper's attacks, and thus she can stand nonchalantly with her eyes closed while sidestepping his every lunge so quickly that at first Bella can't tell she's moving. Pretty clever. And yet, the irritating dance metaphors accumulate with pants-shitting intensity. Bella says Alice “danced blithely” into the ring (a decent image – were it that it were the only one) and later, when Jasper intensifies this attacks, this happens:

She was dancing – spiraling and twisting, curling in on herself. Jasper was her partner, lunging, reaching through her graceful patterns, never touching her, like every movement was choreographed.

WE GET IT: DANCER. Alice is suddenly laughing, perched on Jasper's back, and she kisses him on the throat. Everything that is wrong and terrible about Bella and Edward is right and wonderful about Alice and Jasper. But instead of seeming like a deliberate study in opposition, these two just make our heroes look worse by comparison. It should make Bella and Edward more interesting for their flaws, but instead it just makes them more irritating. Anyway, Alice walks out of the ring while the wolves make “wary” noises. Yeah, you better be scared!

Edward goes next, and Alice sidles up to Bella. She's seen that Bella's been considering some kind of vague plan to sacrifice herself, and Alice shuts that shit down real fast. She whispers a threat in Bella's ear: “I've got my eye on you.” Slap some sense into her Alice!

Edward walked away, and suddenly my face was slamming into the nearest tree trunk. Alice pulled me back by my hair and hissed into my ear, “What kind of bullshit are you trying to pull, cunt?”
“Nothing!” I sputtered. She smashed me against the tree again. Blood ran down my face.
“Keep it that way, motherfucker,” she said in a low voice, licking my face and then letting me collapse on the ground.

After Jasper spars with every member of his family, he calls practice for the night. Thanks, coach! The wolves ask (through Edward) if they can pick up the scent of each family member so they can avoid friendly fire deaths later. Yeah, I'm sure that's why, perverts. The wolves come forward and Bella finally sees them – she notices the new, gangly ones. Gangly wolves? The CGI artists for Eclipse read this chapter and they were like “FUUUUUUCK.” Then Bella sees the Jacob-Wolf.

His stance was casual, somehow exuding nonchalance over what the rest obviously considered an ordeal.

I think you're over anthropomorphizing the wolf, Bella. And then Jacob apparently grins (“FUUUUUUCK.”-CGI dudes)? Jacob-Wolf trots over to where Bella is standing and lowers his head and they have this weird Free Willy moment where Bella pets him and there is some kind of connection. But then he licks her face. Even Jacob-Wolf can't keep his fucking mouth to himself.