Here we have a parallel story for chapter 20 of Eclipse, which you can read all about here. Otherwise it probably won't make any sense. (Eventually I plan on going back and linking to context for all of the fan fiction for new readers, but that's going to take a while so I've been putting it off.)"The Cullens Go Hiking"
“Explain to me again the necessity of traveling at this speed?” Alice Cullen strolled gracefully alongside her boyfriend Jasper on a path through the woods.
“This place is crawling with bird-watchers,” Jasper said softly. “We need to get a few more miles out before we can really move.”
“This is bullshit,” Alice said. “I'm starving.”
“Patience,” Jasper commanded, walking on. He traveled a few yards before he realized Alice was no longer at his side.
She'd frozen in place, her eyes blank.
“What is it, darling?” Jasper rushed back to her side, momentarily forgetting Carlisle's order to travel at human speed. Further ahead, nearly at a bend in the path, Emmett Cullen noticed and signaled for the rest of his family to stop.
“He's carrying her over the threshold,” Alice sneered. “Jesus fucking Christ, Edward.”
Emmett roared with laughter, and Carlisle softly told Alice not to take the Lord's name in vain. Even at some distance, she could hear him.
“Sorry. Fuck.” She started off toward them. Jasper followed.
Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie and Esme waited for them to catch up. Emmett was still grinning when they got there. “If I know Bella, you're going to want to tune them out pretty soon,” he said.
Rosalie whacked him across the chest.
“What?” Emmett was unfazed. “Girl's been chomping at the bit.”
“It's about time,” Alice smiled at her brother. “I've been telling Edward to get laid since the early fifties.”
“I wish you wouldn't talk like that,” Carlisle urged. “And Alice – you didn't get my message about dressing appropriately? We're trying to blend in here.”
He looked at his daughter, who was wearing knee-length leather boots and a sequined dress. “I wore boots,” she said innocently. “For hiking!”
They all laughed. Alice's eyes went out of focus again. “He's giving her the charm now,” she groaned.
“Oh, it's sweet.” Esme said. “So what if Edward's mother liked tacky jewelry? I keep the one he gave me in my jewelry box. Sometimes I wear it when I know I'm not leaving the house.”
“I crushed mine up and snorted it,” Alice said, adding a “jerking off” hand motion for good measure.
“He never gave me one,” Rosalie said wistfully.
“It makes sense. You're a cunt,” Alice explained.
“ALICE!” Carlisle and Esme said simultaneously.
“It's fine,” Rosalie said. “I kind of am.” She smiled at her sister, but Alice was staring far away again.
She made a surprised noise, then smiled from ear to ear. “Bella's making a move!” She said, exultant. “They're finally going to fuck!” She high-fived Jasper's already extended palm.
Carlisle started to lead Esme away from the loose circle they'd formed in the middle of the path. Their four children followed slowly behind, peppering Alice with questions.
“Is Bella going to try going down on him? I feel like that's the best course of action,” Jasper said. He was always thinking in terms of strategy.
“What does Edward think?” Emmett asked.
“He has no idea,” Alice said in disbelief. “He doesn't even know what she's asking for. And she's totally botching this. Twitching, crossing her arms, biting her lip – very unsexy behavior. Shit, what's happening now?” Alice's eyes darted back and forth. “She's asking him to clarify his prerequisites! Dammit!” Alice slapped her hand against her forehead.
“That's just a classic strategic error, Jasper said. “I mean, it's literally the last thing she should be doing.”
“No, Jasper, remember what we said?” Rosalie asked gently. “That's not how the word 'literally' works.”
Jasper furrowed his brow in concentration. “I literally can't tell what I said incorrectly,” he told her.
“That's... sure, okay, that works.” Rosalie shot a small, exasperated smile at Emmett.
Jasper literally grinned, oblivious.
They walked on. Alice's face was tight and withdrawn as the monitored the myriad turns in the conversation. “This is fucking... ridiculous,” she muttered. “Why have neither of you talked to Edward about what's going to happen when he ejaculates?” she said, glaring Jasper and Emmett.
“What do you mean, 'what's going to happen?' What does he think is going to happen?” Emmett asked.
“He thinks he's going to crush Bella's head or something,” Alice laughed bitterly.
“Well, there was that one time,” Jasper started, “when you told me to punch you while you c –”
“Totally different situation,” Alice cut him off. She sighed loudly. “I have a fucking headache.”
They walked on, Carlisle and Esme far ahead, and for a time all anyone could hear was the calling of birds, the crunching of boots on leaves, and Alice quietly cursing.
“What's happening?” Jasper asked when some minutes had passed and the situation had clearly not improved.
“They're talking marriage. Bella is considering it. She's that desperate?”
Emmett glanced at Rosalie, then Alice. “Hey,” he started. “Why haven't you two ever been married?”
“That's like asking, 'Hey Alice, why haven't you ever shot yourself in the fucking face?'” Alice replied with a dark expression. She looked at Jasper, who seemed vaguely offended. “I just mean, in terms of strategy,” she amended.
“Oh, strategy.” He seemed reassured.
Alice mimed shooting herself in the head as Jasper turned around. Emmett laughed. In one, involuntarily dancer-like motion, Alice abruptly dropped to her knees.
“Not out here, baby,” Jasper said, confused.
Alice vomited blood. Everyone took an involuntary step back. She slowly wiped her mouth and looked up. “Not only are they engaged,” she hissed, “they're not even going to fuck tonight.” She moaned low and hung her head again.
“You're taking this pretty hard,” Emmett observed.
“That's what she said,” Alice replied, still staring at the ground.
“Look on the bright side, Al,” Rosalie said. “Pretty soon Bella will be a vampire and all of this bullshit about marriage and Edward's terrifying moral code will be moot.”
“That doesn't make it any less irritating now,” Alice said, looking up fiercely. “Just because something is going to happen later that's going to make me forget about this doesn't make it right. I think it's important we remember that.”
Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett nodded in assent, though they weren't entirely sure who she was talking to.
“C'mon darling,” Jasper said, helping her to her feet. “Let's go hunting. Big day tomorrow.”
“I hate Edward,” Alice said in a weak voice as they walked forward.
“This is bullshit,” Alice said. “I'm starving.”
“Patience,” Jasper commanded, walking on. He traveled a few yards before he realized Alice was no longer at his side.
She'd frozen in place, her eyes blank.
“What is it, darling?” Jasper rushed back to her side, momentarily forgetting Carlisle's order to travel at human speed. Further ahead, nearly at a bend in the path, Emmett Cullen noticed and signaled for the rest of his family to stop.
“He's carrying her over the threshold,” Alice sneered. “Jesus fucking Christ, Edward.”
Emmett roared with laughter, and Carlisle softly told Alice not to take the Lord's name in vain. Even at some distance, she could hear him.
“Sorry. Fuck.” She started off toward them. Jasper followed.
Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie and Esme waited for them to catch up. Emmett was still grinning when they got there. “If I know Bella, you're going to want to tune them out pretty soon,” he said.
Rosalie whacked him across the chest.
“What?” Emmett was unfazed. “Girl's been chomping at the bit.”
“It's about time,” Alice smiled at her brother. “I've been telling Edward to get laid since the early fifties.”
“I wish you wouldn't talk like that,” Carlisle urged. “And Alice – you didn't get my message about dressing appropriately? We're trying to blend in here.”
He looked at his daughter, who was wearing knee-length leather boots and a sequined dress. “I wore boots,” she said innocently. “For hiking!”
They all laughed. Alice's eyes went out of focus again. “He's giving her the charm now,” she groaned.
“Oh, it's sweet.” Esme said. “So what if Edward's mother liked tacky jewelry? I keep the one he gave me in my jewelry box. Sometimes I wear it when I know I'm not leaving the house.”
“I crushed mine up and snorted it,” Alice said, adding a “jerking off” hand motion for good measure.
“He never gave me one,” Rosalie said wistfully.
“It makes sense. You're a cunt,” Alice explained.
“ALICE!” Carlisle and Esme said simultaneously.
“It's fine,” Rosalie said. “I kind of am.” She smiled at her sister, but Alice was staring far away again.
She made a surprised noise, then smiled from ear to ear. “Bella's making a move!” She said, exultant. “They're finally going to fuck!” She high-fived Jasper's already extended palm.
Carlisle started to lead Esme away from the loose circle they'd formed in the middle of the path. Their four children followed slowly behind, peppering Alice with questions.
“Is Bella going to try going down on him? I feel like that's the best course of action,” Jasper said. He was always thinking in terms of strategy.
“What does Edward think?” Emmett asked.
“He has no idea,” Alice said in disbelief. “He doesn't even know what she's asking for. And she's totally botching this. Twitching, crossing her arms, biting her lip – very unsexy behavior. Shit, what's happening now?” Alice's eyes darted back and forth. “She's asking him to clarify his prerequisites! Dammit!” Alice slapped her hand against her forehead.
“That's just a classic strategic error, Jasper said. “I mean, it's literally the last thing she should be doing.”
“No, Jasper, remember what we said?” Rosalie asked gently. “That's not how the word 'literally' works.”
Jasper furrowed his brow in concentration. “I literally can't tell what I said incorrectly,” he told her.
“That's... sure, okay, that works.” Rosalie shot a small, exasperated smile at Emmett.
Jasper literally grinned, oblivious.
They walked on. Alice's face was tight and withdrawn as the monitored the myriad turns in the conversation. “This is fucking... ridiculous,” she muttered. “Why have neither of you talked to Edward about what's going to happen when he ejaculates?” she said, glaring Jasper and Emmett.
“What do you mean, 'what's going to happen?' What does he think is going to happen?” Emmett asked.
“He thinks he's going to crush Bella's head or something,” Alice laughed bitterly.
“Well, there was that one time,” Jasper started, “when you told me to punch you while you c –”
“Totally different situation,” Alice cut him off. She sighed loudly. “I have a fucking headache.”
They walked on, Carlisle and Esme far ahead, and for a time all anyone could hear was the calling of birds, the crunching of boots on leaves, and Alice quietly cursing.
“What's happening?” Jasper asked when some minutes had passed and the situation had clearly not improved.
“They're talking marriage. Bella is considering it. She's that desperate?”
Emmett glanced at Rosalie, then Alice. “Hey,” he started. “Why haven't you two ever been married?”
“That's like asking, 'Hey Alice, why haven't you ever shot yourself in the fucking face?'” Alice replied with a dark expression. She looked at Jasper, who seemed vaguely offended. “I just mean, in terms of strategy,” she amended.
“Oh, strategy.” He seemed reassured.
Alice mimed shooting herself in the head as Jasper turned around. Emmett laughed. In one, involuntarily dancer-like motion, Alice abruptly dropped to her knees.
“Not out here, baby,” Jasper said, confused.
Alice vomited blood. Everyone took an involuntary step back. She slowly wiped her mouth and looked up. “Not only are they engaged,” she hissed, “they're not even going to fuck tonight.” She moaned low and hung her head again.
“You're taking this pretty hard,” Emmett observed.
“That's what she said,” Alice replied, still staring at the ground.
“Look on the bright side, Al,” Rosalie said. “Pretty soon Bella will be a vampire and all of this bullshit about marriage and Edward's terrifying moral code will be moot.”
“That doesn't make it any less irritating now,” Alice said, looking up fiercely. “Just because something is going to happen later that's going to make me forget about this doesn't make it right. I think it's important we remember that.”
Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett nodded in assent, though they weren't entirely sure who she was talking to.
“C'mon darling,” Jasper said, helping her to her feet. “Let's go hunting. Big day tomorrow.”
“I hate Edward,” Alice said in a weak voice as they walked forward.
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