Previously: To The Dogs Or Whoever“Holy living fuck, when is this going to be over?” Alice moaned, tossing another beer can into the corner. There were a lot of them over there now. "This boring-ass wolfpack/baby drama is killing me!"
Emmett muttered incoherently and handed her another beer from the cooler while Jasper stared meaningfully in her direction.
“Yeah, I'm really not feeling it, babe,” she said, closing her eyes and trying to concentrate on the vibes he was sending her way. “You're giving me dime bag-level shit, I can tell. I need you to give me like, 'mother during Amber Alert.'”
Emmett snorted. Jasper furrowed his brow in concentration.
“There it is,” Alice sighed, leaning back in her chair. “God damn, baby. Just like that.”
“I feel like I should leave you two alone for this,” Emmett said, watching her writhe in her chair.
“And yet earlier when I asked you to leave, you claimed you couldn't bear to be around Bella,” Alice said flatly, without opening her eyes.
“I was curious,” Emmett said. “Rosalie won't do... that.”
They were quiet for a while. “Wanna play Monopoly?” Alice chirped suddenly, sitting up.
“Again?” Jasper moaned.
“Strip Monopoly!” she amended.
“I'm in!” Emmett said.
“How will your wife feel about that, Em?” Jasper said wryly.
“She doesn't even see me anymore. I don't exist. Check it.” Emmett turned his head and shouted down the stairs. “HEY ROSE, THERE'S A CUTE, PERFECT, BLOND-HAIRED, BLUE-EYED ARYAN BABY UP HERE AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT NEEDS A MOMMY!”
No one responded.
“See?” he said.
“Are you sure they're even down there? Maybe Bella died,” Jasper said quietly.
“We should be so lucky,” Alice whispered.
Everyone fought giddy laughter.
“What day is it?” Emmett asked.
“Wednesday,” Jasper replied.
“Who has today in the pool?” Emmett asked.
“I do,” Alice said. “Five hundred bucks if she has the baby today and lives. Pays out double if she dies.”
“Seems like those odds are backwards,” Emmett said, scratching his head.
“Don't bet with me when you're drunk,” Alice said with a twinkle in her eye.
“Are we playing or not?”
“Let's just sit here and enjoy the silence for a minute,” Jasper said.
From downstairs, Bella moaned in pain.
“Fuck it, I call thimble,” Jasper said as Alice got the board out with a flourish.
“I'm the banker,” she said, handing out the paper money in the blink of an eye.
“Well, you shorted me a ten,” Emmett said sternly.
“You owe me ten in real life. So by the transitive Monopoly property...” She flipped him off.
“Technically speaking this entire family lives off of a charitable grant from the Alice Cullen foundation,” Jasper observed calmly.
“True dat.” Alice rolled the dice. “I'm thinking about cutting you suckers loose. Finally getting that job at Goldman Sachs. Or maybe investing in real estate. I could buy most of Detroit right now. Plus, I've always dug those red jackets and the glossy business cards.”
“You don't have to become a real estate agent when you invest in real estate,” Emmett said.
“But I could if I wanted to, right? I've had a lot of practice.” She gestured vaguely at the board, then made a "jerking off" hand motion for some reason. “You know what? I always buy Oriental Avenue, and it always comes back to bite me in the ass.” She stared off into the distance for a few seconds.
“Are you cheating?” Jasper said, voice full of mock outrage.
“No, I just... I saw myself wearing black. Thought it was a funeral. I got excited.”
“It wasn't, though?”
“No, it was lingerie,” she said demurely. “I was having a vision of this evening.”
Jasper smiled and Emmett glared in the direction of the first floor.
“I'm not buying Oriental Avenue," she decided emphatically, but with a trace of indecision.
"I don't want to be a slumlord.”
“What would you want with Detroit, then?” Jasper asked.
“That's racist,” she said gently.
“I know,” he replied apologetically, already starting to adopt his drawl. "Truly sorry, ma'am. I'd be much obliged to you if--"
Emmett muttered incoherently and handed her another beer from the cooler while Jasper stared meaningfully in her direction.
“Yeah, I'm really not feeling it, babe,” she said, closing her eyes and trying to concentrate on the vibes he was sending her way. “You're giving me dime bag-level shit, I can tell. I need you to give me like, 'mother during Amber Alert.'”
Emmett snorted. Jasper furrowed his brow in concentration.
“There it is,” Alice sighed, leaning back in her chair. “God damn, baby. Just like that.”
“I feel like I should leave you two alone for this,” Emmett said, watching her writhe in her chair.
“And yet earlier when I asked you to leave, you claimed you couldn't bear to be around Bella,” Alice said flatly, without opening her eyes.
“I was curious,” Emmett said. “Rosalie won't do... that.”
They were quiet for a while. “Wanna play Monopoly?” Alice chirped suddenly, sitting up.
“Again?” Jasper moaned.
“Strip Monopoly!” she amended.
“I'm in!” Emmett said.
“How will your wife feel about that, Em?” Jasper said wryly.
“She doesn't even see me anymore. I don't exist. Check it.” Emmett turned his head and shouted down the stairs. “HEY ROSE, THERE'S A CUTE, PERFECT, BLOND-HAIRED, BLUE-EYED ARYAN BABY UP HERE AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT NEEDS A MOMMY!”
No one responded.
“See?” he said.
“Are you sure they're even down there? Maybe Bella died,” Jasper said quietly.
“We should be so lucky,” Alice whispered.
Everyone fought giddy laughter.
“What day is it?” Emmett asked.
“Wednesday,” Jasper replied.
“Who has today in the pool?” Emmett asked.
“I do,” Alice said. “Five hundred bucks if she has the baby today and lives. Pays out double if she dies.”
“Seems like those odds are backwards,” Emmett said, scratching his head.
“Don't bet with me when you're drunk,” Alice said with a twinkle in her eye.
“Are we playing or not?”
“Let's just sit here and enjoy the silence for a minute,” Jasper said.
From downstairs, Bella moaned in pain.
“Fuck it, I call thimble,” Jasper said as Alice got the board out with a flourish.
“I'm the banker,” she said, handing out the paper money in the blink of an eye.
“Well, you shorted me a ten,” Emmett said sternly.
“You owe me ten in real life. So by the transitive Monopoly property...” She flipped him off.
“Technically speaking this entire family lives off of a charitable grant from the Alice Cullen foundation,” Jasper observed calmly.
“True dat.” Alice rolled the dice. “I'm thinking about cutting you suckers loose. Finally getting that job at Goldman Sachs. Or maybe investing in real estate. I could buy most of Detroit right now. Plus, I've always dug those red jackets and the glossy business cards.”
“You don't have to become a real estate agent when you invest in real estate,” Emmett said.
“But I could if I wanted to, right? I've had a lot of practice.” She gestured vaguely at the board, then made a "jerking off" hand motion for some reason. “You know what? I always buy Oriental Avenue, and it always comes back to bite me in the ass.” She stared off into the distance for a few seconds.
“Are you cheating?” Jasper said, voice full of mock outrage.
“No, I just... I saw myself wearing black. Thought it was a funeral. I got excited.”
“It wasn't, though?”
“No, it was lingerie,” she said demurely. “I was having a vision of this evening.”
Jasper smiled and Emmett glared in the direction of the first floor.
“I'm not buying Oriental Avenue," she decided emphatically, but with a trace of indecision.
"I don't want to be a slumlord.”
“What would you want with Detroit, then?” Jasper asked.
“That's racist,” she said gently.
“I know,” he replied apologetically, already starting to adopt his drawl. "Truly sorry, ma'am. I'd be much obliged to you if--"
Alice raised a hand to silence him. "Stop patronizing me and roll the fucking dice."
3 comments:
Oh, how I wish Twilight were actually written like that. It would be so much more interesting.
While we read through all this boring stuff in the actual book, I'm going to pretend this is going on. That will make it better.
Agreed, the ZL version of the Twilight cast are a million times cooler.
Post a Comment