Wednesday, July 13, 2011

BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN, pt. 48: Not With A Bang But A Whatever

WE DID IT. This is the final, brief chapter of Breaking Dawn. Wow, this book was terrible. I mean, the first half was interesting in a “diaries of a sociopath” sort of way, but then the wheels really fell off the wagon and then the wagon sat in the clearing in the woods for a while and did nothing. But whatever, we survived.

I started writing about Twilight so long ago that I don't remember starting. I read some of what I wrote back then, and some of it is pretty dumb and goofy. Then again, I think somewhere during Eclipse this blog got a little too academic and esoteric and I might have sacrificed some readability in my attempts to explain exactly what made S. Meyer a really terrible writer and person, from both a moral and writerly point of view. Some of it took a lot of words to untangle, and sometimes I probably wrote more than S. Meyer did.

(And I have still more to say! But this is for sure the final proper installment of "Blogging Breaking Dawn.")

But whatever, now this blog is here, 18 months worth of writing preserved on the Internet, should anyone need it. Along the way, several people have told me that this blog has converted them from normal Twi-hard to the self-aware, self-deprecating kind of fan/critic that we probably need a name for. Twi-soft? (“That conjures the wrong image”-Alice Cullen) Anyway, that is the kind of thing that makes me feel like this was all worth it.

Were it that the end of Breaking Dawn filled me with a similar kind of satisfaction.

Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After

So this chapter is a weird one. It tries to wrap up Bella and Edward's story, but also teases weird elements like Renesmee's future with Jacob and the romantic threat posed by Nahuel. It also suggests that the Volturi conflict still hasn't gone away, and to that I just have to say: Screw you, S. Meyer. Just screw you and shut up, okay? But the point is it does all of these other things at the expense of giving us much of a goodbye to Bella and Edward.

(And if you were hoping for any sort of farewell to Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, or even Jacob, well, forget it.)

Edward and Bella are sitting with their family and talking to “two remaining guests,” who turn out to be Nahuel and Huilen (revealed, as if it's a big reveal, after two pages of explaining where the other vampires went—I will spare you*). Edward is trying to explain what happened, and sort of failing. “What it really boiled down to was...Bella,” he says. That's the best you can do, Edward? We (eventually) learn that the Volturi were scared shitless by Bella's shield power, and that was a major factor in their decision not to engage. (Well, at least someone was impressed by it.)

(*Fucking Siobhan and Carlisle have another maddening conversation where she sarcastically refers to her ability to make positive outcomes by force of will and he jokes with her but also appears to think her powers are real, even though she doesn't. So are her powers real or not? Why doesn't Siobhan believe in them? (“So, what, am I supposed to shoot fucking webs out of my wrists or something? How the fuck would I do that?”-Spider-Man) If you were going to try and place S. Meyer on the autism spectrum, this totally incomprehensible Siobhan thing would be a very damning piece of evidence. (“We're going to need a bigger autism spectrum!”-scientists))

Bella is weirded out because Nahuel keeps eye-fucking either her or Renesmee, who is asleep in Bella's arms. Someday, someday soon, Bella and Renesmee will be basically the same age and probably posing as college roommates and stuff. Just imagine the twisted, incestuous fanfiction possibilities. You probably don't have to imagine it—if there isn't a Bella/Renesmee/Nahuel sex story online yet, it's at least on someone's hard drive (shudder).

Also, Renesmee will, for a while, have the mind of a seven year old in a 20-something body. And Bella will, as always, have the mind of an 80-year-old nun in a 19-year-old's body. I totally see a sitcom there.

Everybody is also super complimentary of the wolves and their contribution, and Jacob is flashing best-bud grins at Emmett and Edward and OK, that's fine. But then it devolves into another discussion about the distinction between REAL werewolves and the shape-shifters. GUHHHH why? Why are we doing this? Make it stop! We learn that Caius once almost got killed by a werewolf, the real kind, and has since had them almost hunted into extinction. Is this supposed to be a random world-building detail ? Is it supposed to be an environmental message, just tucked in at the end there? Don't hunt wolves! OR: Is S. Meyer planning another book in which Jacob has to fight the real Children Of The Moon?

I truly can't figure out if S. Meyer is really setting up another book/series or if she is just fucking with us throughout this chapter. For one thing, Edward indicates that someday the Volturi will recover their pride and come after the Cullens again. Go fuck yourself with that shit, Edward. I never bought the Volturi threat in the first or second places, you CANNOT tease me with a third act of Waiting For Aro (To Be Evil). S. Meyer also suggests a few more times that Nahuel might be a romantic interest for Renesmee. This stuff is probably just a lame way to end the series—showing the cycle repeating itself—right?

But then there's this business about Real Werewolves. Why go through the trouble of talking about a magical creature* we have never seen ANYWHERE in these books if you're not going to do something with it later? As Chekov said, “If there's a Child Of The Moon introduced in the last five pages of a book series, someone should shoot the author with a gun in act three.”

(*Edward tells us that the full moon thing is real, but silver bullets are a myth. OH OKAY. I'M SO GLAD WE GOT THAT OUT THERE BEFORE THE END OF THIS BOOK I WAS REALLY CURIOUS ABOUT THAT.)

Also somewhere this whole exchange, Bella and Alice have a cute but over-expository fight about her disappearance. Bella understands that “her defection was only a ruse because Edward had to believe that she'd abandoned us,” (GUHHHH) but eventually can't contain her irritation.

Alice sighed. “Just get it off your chest, Bella.”

Get your bra off, am I right Alice? Bella basically says “How could you?” And Alice speaks for a whole paragraph about how she had to search for something she couldn't see, and wasn't even sure that Nahuel existed, and blah blah blah, and

“And if you think I didn't feel like a schmuck—”
“Okay, okay!” I interrupted.


Oh god please stop retroactively summarizing your convoluted plot! Bella then asks Jasper why he's been treating J. Jenks so bad, and Jasper is just like, “That's how I roll, bitch.” Bella decides that she will be the Cullen family criminal liason to J. Jenks from now on. Oh good, I'm glad J. Jenks gets a happy ending, at least! Edward and Bella go back to their cottage, and Nahuel looks “intently after us, as if he wished he could follow.”

Once again, S. Meyer notices she's getting into trouble here with how sketchy that shit sounds, and so Edward explains as they stroll home that Nahuel sees Bella as like the ideal version of the mother who died giving birth to him—that because Bella managed to live through the birth of Renesmee, Nahuel feels better about his own nature. “He always thought of himself as an evil creation,” Edward says, and now “he's finally begun to forgive himself.” But you still killed your own mom, dude, hahahaha. Edward also mentions, in passing, that he's proud of Jacob for never once thinking about the fact that Renesmee will be physically mature very soon (“Like, I can feel her boobs popping out as we speak.”-Edward). Bella observes that Jacob really, truly doesn't see her that way. Here we are, three pages from the end, and S. Meyer is still trying to convince us that what she wrote was OK (it still isn't). He doesn't see her that way YET, Bella. Or he's just keeping his thoughts from you until he can go off by himself (sorry).

Why insist so frequently that Jacob's love is chaste and pure? What effect does it have? Is S. Meyer trying to get us to reconsider our position on sex offenders and child marriages? (The most telling line, on that front, is Edward's: “I know it goes against the grain to say so, but she could do worse.” WHY IS THAT THERE OH MY GOD) I really don't get it. This conclusion isn't wrapping anything up so much as it is perpetuating everything that sucks the worst about this series.

And then one more final irritating thing happens (I can't believe S. Meyer found the time to work this in)! Edward starts making out with Bella, and she pulls his hand off of her tits or whatever because she wants to show him something Zafrina tried to teach her. Anal? No, what happens is Bella concentrates for a while and then moves her shield power completely away from her own body, and suddenly Edward can hear her thoughts. She relieves a few moments from previous books (actually one event from Twilight and then several events from Breaking Dawn, hahahah that is how lazy S. Meyer is, she couldn't even be bothered to remember what happened for half of this series). He kisses her and she loses her concentration and the shield snaps back into place. But they realize they have “forever” to work on it. Yes, Bella, you have forever to work on getting rid of the one thing that makes you independent from your husband. I mean, how can you have a healthy marriage if he can't READ YOUR THOUGHTS!? You better get to work on that right away or Jesus will be sooooo mad.

And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of forever.

That's it. That's it? THAT'S IT!

9 comments:

Kim said...

I don't get how Bella is suppose to make Nahuel feel better about his mom. Wouldn't the fact that she lived, but his mom still died make him feel worse? Like, Renesmee managed to not kill her mom, but he still killed his?

I kind of think that the way the series progresses lends itself to the way your blog has progressed. The first book you can deal with in a goofy manner, because it is goofy. As the series continues and introduces more and more concerning ideas and worse and worse writing, you kind of have to start dealing with it in a more serious manner if you really want to have a legitimate discussion about it. Plus, this last book is so bizarrely fucked up the crazy kind of just speaks for itself. You don't have to make as many jokes to point it out.

maggie the cat. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kira said...

I wonder if Edward's comment about how Renemsmnsfjhd could do worse was referring to how they were rivals for Bella and are supposed to be enemies? That was how I read it. Like, "I know I'm not supposed to say anything nice about him because of our very boring blood feud, but he's probably a good enough guy to be allowed to fuck our daughter."

Zac, I want to compliment you on your commitment to seeing this bullshit project through. Like, you could've easily been like, "These books are the worst and I cannot handle them. Let's move on." But you didn't. You stuck with it, finding new ways to engage with an oddly troubling text, encouraging us to do the same, and I have been happy to come along for the ride.

I am one of the Twi-hards who has become a Twi-soft, in a lot of ways. I was never a super-fan of the books, but I never really delved super deeply into what was wrong with them, and being able to hash it out with you guys, with Zac's expert moderation, has been fun and also surprisingly challenging. It's like a very fun, very silly college class!

So, congratulations on reaching the end of your Odyssey, and I am looking forward to chewing on The Hunger Games because that shit was troubling as hell, but for totally different reasons.

Kim said...

Kira - I feel the same way about the books. I love the Hunger Games, partly because of how troubling they are, so I'm really interested to see a deeper discussion on them.

Xocolatl. said...

I've read your blog posts since the beginning, and this has been a hilarious and enjoyable, if not frustrating ride. I'm really glad you did this TwiBlogging, because it further exposed the crap buried inside the books, but mainly because I got to know about all the other things you do. I'm glad to say that I really look forward to your Vlogs and you've really grown on me!!

Also, I'm really happy to see that there are other people out there who don't completely worship the Hunger Games. I'm not exactly sure why I dislike the series myself, and I'm hoping for your blogs (and the commenters) to show me why.

And finally, I'm just wondering - do you have some way to count pageviews? Because I'm sure there are a LOT more people out there reading this blog than do comment...

Suzette Smith said...

When Twi-hards get old they become Twi-farts.
When Twi-hards forget Twilight and become obsessed with Chinese martial arts they become Tai-hards.

ONTO THE HUNGER GAMES

ZL said...

Thank you, everyone. Kim, you're right, I think the books very much dictated the format of this blog.

And Kira, yeah, I landed on my interpretation first and then couldn't for the life of me figure out what S. Meyer would have meant. You're probably right, but was I the only one who didn't see it?

Xocolatl--I do have ways of doing that. For the last few weeks we've been doing about 600 pageviews per day. Unique visitors in the 200s and 300s.

Stephanie D'Ann said...

So Bella's purely passive power made the Volturi head for the hills? Really? I don't get the shape-shifters vs werewolves lingo. Is that political correctness?

Mako said...

Well, I tried really, really hard to catch up with the blog and I still managed to finish a month+ behind. Oh well. Now I have to go pick up a copy of The Hunger Games and get started with that one.
Congrats on finishing this awful book (series). I'm gonna go try to cathch up on your new project now!
~Mako