WRITING BREAKING DAWN: The Entire Cast Of Breaking Dawn Dies In An Explosion

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And now: the way it should have ended.

"The Entire Cast Of Breaking Dawn Dies In An Explosion"


“Mr. President, this evidence is solid.”
Barack Obama looked at the file full of satellite photos in his hands.
“These vampires have been standing in a clearing for several days,” the Admiral said. “We need to take them now.”
“What have they been doing?” President Obama asked. “I don't understand why they'd be there for so long.”
“We think, Mr. President, that they're talking.”
“And they're not bored?”
“Evidently not.”
“I guess I just thought, you know, I mean why aren't they fighting? They're vampires, right? It seems like if so many of them were in one place, something climactic would happen.” The President took a sip of coffee.
“Well, for whatever reason that is not happening. We have been monitoring the situation closely, and nothing has happened. A few of our guys are pretty disappointed.”
“Sure,” the President said. “I imagine people who have been following this for some time must be pretty let down.”
“To be honest, Mr. President, these vampires have never given us much in the way of interesting intel. I don't know why we thought much of anything would happen. But the fact remains, they need to go.”
“I agree,” the President said. He glanced at his top advisors and saw no voices of dissent. He picked up the phone on the desk next to him and dialed an extension. “Malia, honey, it's your father. Listen, how do you feel about vampires?” He nodded as she answered. “Okay, that's what I thought. Thanks, dear.” He hung up.
“Mr. President, this is highly unorthodox. You are consulting your daughter?” the Admiral seemed outraged.
“I just wanted to check. She knows more about these issues than I do.”
“Well, then, what did she say?”
“I'm sorry Admiral, but you don't have the clearance for this one.”
“I have code-word clearance!” the Admiral declared.
“Well, this is for Unicorn Team eyes only.”
“I've never even HEARD of Team Unicorn!” the Admiral fumed. “Mr. President, if you are keeping me in the dark about something, I will tender my resignation so quickly--”
“Percy, relax,” Barack Obama cracked a smile. “I'm giving you a hard time. Unicorn Team is Secret Service code for when I go to Malia's tea parties. Fact is, I don't know what she said. Something about a Katniss Everdeen, whatever language that is. The point is these vampires' time has come and gone. Take 'em.”
The admiral stood.
“Percy, what's the name of the operation? I like to know the names.”
“Operation Breaking Dawn sir,” he said.
“Really? That name is kind of lousy. I mean, what does it refer to?”
“I'm not sure. But we were also thinking about Midnight Sun.”
“Hmmmm. I'm not sure. I guess we can always decide on whether or not we want to do Midnight Sun later,” the President said. “Move forward.”
“Yes sir.”

Jacob Black, pedophile, shifted uncomfortably on his long legs. Beside him, another pedophile and a domestic abuser stood in a state of agitation. Edward Cullen, a religious bigot and former vigilante, continued to talk to Aro, a murderer. Edward's wife, Bella, a manipulative, hateful shrew and enabler of pedophiles, domestic abusers, and murderers, stood by his side. His parents, Carlisle and Esme, religious bigots in their own right and also enablers of murderers and pedophiles, looked on supportively as they always, unfortunately, did. Also, a bunch of people who no one knew anything about and who didn't matter at all were there, taking up lots of space for reasons passing understanding.
Several miles away, Alice Cullen, bon vivant and uber-slut, and her mate Jasper Whitlock, Lothario extraordinaire, ran through the forest guiding another vampire who was the key to ending the stand off in the most boring and easy way possible.
“Hold on!” Alice said, stopping abruptly. “How much of a dick move is this? Bringing in a new person randomly into the middle of this whole thing our family is having? Whatever they're doing over there, us doing this is not going to resolve it in an organic way.”
“I agree,” Jasper said. “It's contrived and stupid.” He looked over at the half-human half-vampire they were guiding along. “We don't know you. You have no significance for anyone. Get lost,” he spat.
“Cuba?” Alice asked after he'd gone.
Jasper picked her up in his arms and ran in the opposite direction.
Meanwhile, in the clearing, Garrett, who was just some asshole, was talking a lot. Edward looked meaningfully at Bella, as if to say, What the fuck is this thing we've been doing for so long? What were we trying to accomplish? What did we learn? Nothing? It feels like nothing. How did we get here? Why is this stuff happening? What does it have to do with anything? Nothing? It feels like nothing.
And then a bunch of bombs fell in the clearing and everyone died.

THE END.

Previously: No One Would Riot For Less