Five Ways To Fix The Ending Of Breaking Dawn

Say what you will about the twisted, morally repugnant insanity in the first half of Breaking Dawn, but at least it makes for a compelling read. The second half of the book leads us down a series of boring, incoherent paths, finally ending the series not with a bang but with a whatever. The most interesting moment in the second half comes when Alice Cullen abruptly bails on the rest of her family in an unexpected but plausible moment of cowardice. Unfortunately that moment is a rare bright spot in the dull gray abyss of Book 3; Bella accomplishes a series of tasks meant to protect her daughter Renesmee in the event of her untimely death, the Volturi show up to maybe make that untimely death possible,* and then Alice walks in with a new character who saves the day and changes all of the rules we've been given so far. (It also cheapens the aforementioned departure of Alice, which turns out not to be a daring move but rather a literary life vest S. Meyer gave herself just in case.)

(*Maybe. The Volturi threat is never vivid or particularly explicit; S. Meyer always tells and never shows. In fact, far more acts of violence are carried out by the Cullens in these books than are by the Volturi. But anyway.)

It could have been so much better. Well, I mean really, there's no salvaging this series, but least could have gone out on a high note instead of alienating most of its readers. Here, then, are a few suggestions.

1. Alice Doesn't Come Back

Not only is the late introduction of Nahuel a dick move in the first place, it also negates the one daring thing S. Meyer did for 400 pages. The end would be marginally redeemed, therefore, if the perpetually safe S. Meyer was willing to leave one loose end dangling and never have Alice return. So the Cullens would peaceably resolve their dispute with the Volturi some other contrived way and live happily ever after except for not knowing if Alice will ever return (either out of shame or death or having found a better family, which wouldn't be that hard). It's a messy ending that would be more satisfying than the flaccid attempt at a messy ending we get, in which S. Meyer wraps everything up perfectly and then lamely tries to tease a future Volturi threat (maybe one that has to be faced down by the new love triangle of Jacob, Nessie and Nahuel, UGH I know) that nobody is buying.

2. Alice Comes Back...As A Member Of The Volturi

Speaking of lame threats involving the Volturi, why not make good on one? Imagine: Bella watches the slow, graceful approach of the dark-hooded Volturi, and when they get into the clearing and take their hoods off, Alice is standing at Aro's side, her eyes bright red. Awesome, right? Maybe the dispute is still resolved peacefully, maybe there's a fight. Maybe Bella has to kill Alice. I'd hate Bella even more for it, but I hate her plenty already. Jasper could be in the Volturi too, or it could be presumed that he is dead. Either way, it would be a totally awesome way to double-down on Alice's seeming betrayal of and lack of real attachment to her family, rather than duck out from under it as S. Meyer does. Plus bad guys have way better sex.*

*It's such an organic possibility that people have already started (but not finished, sadly) pieces of fanfiction in which Alice joins the Volturi as a kind of sex-slave.

3. Bella Dies In Childbirth

S. Meyer is going to invoke Wuthering Heights? Why not really do it then, and kill off her female romantic lead at the end of Book 2, leaving Edward as a tragic, mourning Heathcliff? We could switch to HIS perspective from there, or maybe Bella could narrate from beyond the grave (spooky!). Killing Bella would be a wild move, and even though we've spent most of this book hating on her, we'd still be shocked and moved. And then, Edward couldn't go and kill himself as he's promised to do because he's a single dad now. So he has to live with the guilt and sadness and the other complicated, interesting emotions we never get in these books.

4. Edward kills Jacob or Jacob kills Edward

This could happen in a lot of places, but just to make me feel better lets say Jacob imprints on Renesmee so Edward murders him. Romeo and Juliet callback! You just got Tybalted! That would resolve the love triangle in a more satisfying way, and again, S. Meyer could do some complex, adult shit with it. Maybe Bella can't forgive Edward for what he has done, so she leaves him. Then we follow her as a single vampire mother trying to succeed in the world. Then, in a mirror of New Moon, she is joined in her studio apartment by Alice, who comes in from the rain and wants to take a shower and... well, you know. Then, after they've finished up, Jasper knocks on the door to install the cable...

The flip scenario is that Jacob kills Edward, maybe again because of imprinting, or maybe because Edward just accidentally vamps Bella on the honeymoon with his jizz (which is technically what should have happened) instead of knocking her up. Either way, it ends with Bella and Alice having sex, obviously. Or Bella kills herself and Alice fucks her corpse. That'd be sort of fun.

5. Go Beowulf On It

This is the craziest and best idea I've had so far. Think about the way S. Meyer stresses the amazing, unique qualities of vampire Bella. She has more control than any other newborn, she's extraordinarily graceful, and her shield power has like, nuclear force. For a few minutes, I honestly thought S. Meyer was setting up Bella to the The One. So what if she was?

Think about the promise of that preface in which Bella assesses the threat of the Volturi and is suddenly filled with joyful, bloodlusty rage. It would have been wonderful if Bella's power had an offensive element to it as well, and if she could have used to it spectacularly, violently wipe out the Volturi. The Volturi's witnesses would bow down before Bella, electing her the new queen of the damned.

And that's when we turn the page and see Book 4: Renesmee. It's a hundred years (give or take) later, and Bella rules the immortal world from her throne in Forks. What would be wonderful is if the realities of governing the vampire world had worn down the Cullens' virtue and resolve: We open with Bella killing and eating Mike Newton's great grandson; we find out that Esme and Carlisle have long-since bailed; Alice, Jasper and a few of the new characters are Bella's violent enforcers, and Edward is her subservient, spineless husband. Jacob and Renesmee, both in their early 20s, sneak off together and drink wine and complain about Bella's ways, both as an overprotective parent and as a corrupt politician. And then something happens with an immortal child being created elsewhere in the world, and when Bella goes with her guard to take care of it, she realizes that You Either Die A Hero Or Live Long Enough To See Yourself Become A Villain. And the whole series ends on that painful, dark realization.

Fucking awesome, right? Sometimes I even impress myself. The last shot of the movie version could be Bella in the back of a cab like Michael Clayton, a distant, pained, overwhelmed expression on her face—the shot held on it for an uncomfortably long time.

Special thanks to Kira, with whom I first floated a few of these ideas a couple weeks back. Anybody have some other suggestions?