ASK NICK SULLIVAN: Letters To Esquire's Fashion Director, Answered by Zac Little

I've noticed a lot of models in suits wearing knit ties. Please advise if knits are indeed in.

Johnny Garcia, San Jose CA

ARE THEY EVER. You haven't hear about recession couture yet, Johnny? I hope you saved all of grandma's ugly sweaters because that shit is all over Fashion Week. At Javu I saw two models doing blow off a doily, Johnny. A DOILY! How the fuck do you explain that? The recession is deep in our culture now. The breadline is the new runway. Poor is the new black.

What are your thoughts on sweater vests. Like?

Jill Haney, Cincinnati OH

Could I BE in support of them more? Could Chandler Bing references BE any hotter right now? Could this answer BE more cloaked in impenetrable irony? But really, Jilly (can I call you Jilly?): sweater vests are dapper as fuck. I'd give them my seal of approval, but I usually attach my seal of approval to sleeves. So I guess we're at kind of a standoff here.

I have an allergic reaction when most metals touch my skin, so when I wear a watch, my skin turns red and itchy by the end of the day. What are my options as far as nicer watches go?

Jonathan Shenk, Pittsburgh PA

Oh shit. Jonathan, I don't want to be the Christian Bale to your Sam Worthington, but I think we're dealing with a Terminator Salvation-type situation here. I know you FEEL human, but all the signs are pointing to some kind of cyborg. Don't panic. Seriously, don't: existential crises have been known to cause mechanical failure in some models.

There's nothing I can do about the fact that you don't have a soul and your perceived sentience is actually a computer program. That sucks hard, bro. But I can do something about your fashion problem. In fact I will be able to do A LOT for you when my new book So You Just Found Out You're A Cyborg And You Don't Know What To Wear hits shelves this fall, but I'll give you this one for free: Wristwatches are OUT for cyborgs. In some fashion circles, important circles, it's seen as garish. I mean, I wouldn't be so crass as to wear a little HUMAN on my wrist, and that's more or less what you are doing when you think about it. Keep your person (or whatever) totally free of robotics. Wear a lot of plain linens and maybe a classy leather strap where someone in possession of a soul might wear a timepiece. If you're concerned about losing track of time, look in the upper right corner of your field of vision. Above the readout with the weather conditions and below the part where you identify friends and potential targets should be the date and time. If you don't see it there you may need a software update. Hey, what do you call it when a cyborg gets an erection? A SOFTWARE UPDATE! You can use that one, Jonathan. Self deprecating humor goes a long way with your kind.

I recently bought a male friend of mine a black dress shirt to wear with a black suit, but some women think it's awful. But is black on black really not a good option?

Krista Smith, Atlanta GA

I don't want to be the Christian Bale to your Christian Bale's mom, but it sounds like you have some cunty friends, Krista. Who told you black on black was a bad idea? GIVE ME HER NAME. I'm reporting her to the Southern Poverty Law Center. I have a friend in their fashion department. Wait until you see the SPLC's fall catalog,by the way. Amazingly, Klan robes are IN this year! This is why I love fashion. You can expect the unexpected.

I'm the Sam Worthington to Nick Sullivan's Christian Bale. Previously: "What are you doing in Lynchburg, Brother Khoury?"