No Church In The Wild: An Advice Column

Dear Zac, I'm a 25 year old woman who has never been asked out on a first date. I've been on nondates, like to parties, or watching a movie in the dorm. I was in a relationship for a year, but he never asked me out. We went right from hanging out to bf/gf, but he never planned any of the dates. One guy asked his sister for my number and then only texted me once. I'm a bit of a homebody and average looking, but have huge boobs. I don't have an annoying voice. What is the deal?

Just how big are your boobs? Maybe you're intimidating people. No, but actually, the reason is that I think you have a kind of antiquated notion of "dates." What you have (the hangouts, the parties, the texting) is how dating works now, in 2011, and what you want (to be asked out on a “date”) is how dating worked in the seventies/in movies in the nineties. You are a victim of your own time, that's all. In a way, that's kind of noble. You're like a big-titted Galileo!

Nobody really comes a-courting these days, which maybe sucks for the ladies, but I have to say it's kind of great for me (and Mr. Frog). I'm kind of socially awkward and not very assertive so when I was single it was nice to like, just sit down down with a person and watch a movie and then suddenly be fingering them. None of the silly formality! You're better off without it, kid. Sure, it makes for some awkwardness when you're like, “are we dating or fuck buddies or what?” and the other person is like “Zac, we're married!” but it's nothing compared to the awkwardness of asking someone out on a DATE.

(Look at the tone of rom-coms Then vs. Now: THEN it was all silent pining and journal entries and John Cusack and sadness. NOW it's Justin Timberlake smoking weed with his friends going “So I had anal sex with Mila Kunis but I'm not sure like, what we ARE, you know?” Okay so I haven't seen Friends With Benefits but I think that's a cogent synopsis anyway.)

It sounds like you're also dissatisfied with the quantity of relationships, not just the quality, but I think these issues are connected. Do you approach a lot of dudes or are you always waiting for them to approach you? Don't wait. Ask them! I mean, adhere to the current values of Our Time; don't get all Mrs. Darcy on them and be like "May I formally request your presence accompanying me forthwith to said dancing occasion?" Ask them out 2011 style: Shrug, adjust your hoodie, twitch nervously and be like "So uh, do you want to do a thing or something or whatever some time maybe?" But certainly ask. Always Be Asking.

And if you really must be the one who is approached, just pull your huge tits out in public places more often.

I'm just about to start dating a guy, but I'm having some issues. The problem is, he's a Jesus fanboy. And I have no problem with that except for the fact that he actually believes it which means I'm questioning his mental health. No offense to the strict believers, but I am a Darwin fangirl. So, should I ignore the flashing red lights and date someone who worships a zombie?

You've got too choices: convert or abort. You dating him AND his beliefs if not an option. I know we liberal types pretend there's no culture war when Conservatives start freaking out, but there IS a culture war, and we have to WIN. We are right, they are wrong and scary. We are the future, they are the past. Religion MUST be pushed to the margins of society lest it BECOME SOCIETY again. I mean how many times do these fuckers have to kill all the philosophers and scientists and let the artists die penniless before they figure out the formula isn't working? But anyway the good news is we have an important weapon on our side: sex.

Look at your vagina. Now look at me. Now back to your vagina. Now me again. Your Jesusfreak BF sees it as a baby-making factory that he has to work at every 9 months until you reach menopause or die during childbirth. He also probably thinks you should get started soon. Scary, right? You need to flip the script on him. His perception of pussy is a pancake; you're a short-order cook. Flip it around on him! I'm not saying you need to have sex—I don't know how old you are, maybe you're not ready—but you need to do some STUFF. Even if it's just making out and dry humping. And you need to make it clear that all that good boner-giving stuff he is experiencing is antithetical to religion. Jesus hates dry-humping! Jesus hates ejaculation outside of the vagina! Jesus hates sexy underwear! Make him love dry-humping, sexy underwear and ejaculation more than he loves Jesus. That should be pretty easy, they're awesome.

Are his parents religious too? You might need to make them hate you. Again, this is easy. Wear slutty clothes and/or Lady Gaga t-shirts. Have dinner with them and take the Lord's name is vain a lot. When they start pressuring him to dump you, and they will, your boy will have a nice visual metaphor in front of him. Young, sexy, kinky secular humanism, or old, boring, hateful, nagging religion. And he will have to choose!

All of this conversion work takes time, and even though the end result is a good one—another member for our team—I understand if you don't want to do it. But if you don't want to make the effort to change his beliefs, you have to dump him. Don't put yourself through the shit you'd have to deal with otherwise. Church picnics, bible study, discussions about faith and temptation, sneering condescension toward art and public institutions... I want to kill myself just THINKING about it.

And when you dump him you have to be honest about why. Tell him you're dumping him because he has an imaginary friend and that creeps you out. Brutal? Yes. But helpful in the long run? Maybe. It could just make him retreat into religion even more. But it might be a helpful shock to his system. And it will be sort of fun for you either way, I think.

Got a problem? Talk to me here. Submit anonymously, please. Previously: "If you're coming home reeking of vomit and cigarettes, nothing you say will convince them you're not a gross bar monster."