No Church In The Wild: An Advice Column

My boyfriend stares at other girls in front of me. I don't mind a peek if a girl has a lot of skin showing, but I mind a lingering stare. Should I say something to him, or just accept it, or do something like stare at other guys in front of him?

Men are pigs, eh? Except some cursory Wikipedia research tells me that pigs actually have pretty poor eyesight, so maybe we should start saying men are eagles. MEN ARE EAGLES. They're often bald, most are patriotic, and they tear up forest creatures with their razor sharp claws. We're fucking awesome, I know.

But yes, our wandering eyes are our gift and curse. I can describe the forty hottest women I saw on the street this week in excruciating detail—it's a hell of a party trick—but I can also show you where my wife clawed my face (JK, my wife is great and she stares at men more than I stare at women. Especially black men. At first I hoped it was just latent racism and she was staring at them in a hateful way, but no). The other thing is men are constantly at risk for getting hit by cars. We try to look both ways before we cross the street, but sometimes there's a cute ass in the way! It's scary.

And I wish, for your boyfriend's sake, that it was still the 1950's so I'd be able to give you a bogus scientific explanation as to why men stare at pretty women. Something about a special nerve that attaches the testicles to the eyeballs (I mean, they're similar enough) and makes “the up and the down” involuntary, maybe. But it's not the 1950s anymore, so we can't claim special balls-attached-to-eyes privilege, and I can't sell you my patented eye-straightening serum as a cure (it's liquid adderall and corn syrup). We stare because we like pretty women. There, we admit it! We like boobs, we like butts, we like certain crotches. And for what it is worth, we really like YOUR boobs, butt and crotch. That's why we stare at other women and stay by your side.

That's the shittiest consolation in the world, right? Sorry, it's the best I can do. I had a good answer for you, but a girl with an ass like WHOA walked by and I lost my train of thought.

Whenever I end up dating a girl, I tell them I've not been in a lot of real relationships so I might do something stupid. They seem cool with it but then after not very long break up with me (this continually happens) for reasons I can't understand other then they think I was acting like an idiot?

Wayne Gretzky once said that you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. It's also true that you miss about 80% of the shots you take while thinking to yourself There's no fucking way I'm going to make this shot. You're going into each relationship expecting to fuck it up. Why? There's no need to start a relationship off with a disclaimer like that. For one thing, it's annoying, like people who say “I'm being sarcastic” in their status updates. Oh, are you? And for another, you're artificially framing the narrative. From the get-go, girls will have this idea of you as a freak, and therefore everything you do will seem freaky. That might be an advantage in bed, but you have to like, get there first. And you won't get there at all if you spend all your time telling them to brace themselves because of what a shitty loser you are. Perception isn't everything, but it's a lot of the things. I think Gretzky said that, too. Or maybe he said “Perspiration is everything. Drink Gatorade.” Yeah, that's the quote I was thinking of.

Every relationship is a brand new thing for both people involved. Nobody's an expert at it. Stop worrying, and start the game with clear eyes and a full heart. Just do it. Drink Gatorade.

Hey I turned 21 this past Wednesday and naturally I'm kind of curious about alcohol. Why do people drink? Is it the taste or how it makes you feel? What does it feel like to be drunk? Any favorite alcoholic beverages?

Here's the truth about booze: Being buzzed is awesome, and being drunk is pretty terrible. Walking that tightrope between two states is one of the major challenges of adulthood, along with taxes and raising children. But like those other challenges, it's totally worth doing. (Happy birthday, by the way.)

I can't speak for why other people drink. Some seem to deliberately get drunk, I mean trashed, and that has never been my style. Well, it's very rarely my style. Occasionally, it is exactly my style. But I never know why I do it, especially the morning after, and right now I am having a whisky so I can tell you why I do THAT, in moderation, almost every night:

First and foremost, it's a taste thing. I mean, I don't know what performing oral sex on an angel tastes like, but I'm pretty sure Johnnie Walker got the recipe somehow, you know what I mean? And maybe it doesn't taste good to you yet, but you should develop your palate and learn to enjoy it because IT'S SO GOOD and also, again, that is what adults do. Adults who drink like, milk and juice and soda? That's weird. Society frowns upon them. An adult who likes the taste of soda better that alcohol is like an adult with red hair.

There's also a certain element of ritual and relaxation to the whole thing of coming home and pouring yourself a drink, Don Draper-style. I admit to being totally susceptible to this, and to other characteristics of an addict. But I don't actually think I'm addicted, which is another characteristic but STILL. I dabble in the trappings of addiction, OK?

Speaking of rituals: going out with your friends and drinking in bars can be OK too, but that is something I do very rarely. For me nights like that usually seem to entail constantly searching for bathrooms, shouting over loud music, and looking for girls' earrings on the ground/in gutters. (I prefer drinking socially at home, because A. it's cheaper B. I can control the music and/or volume C. I know where the bathroom is and D. I know where all the earrings are.) So if you're not into the “drinking scene” I really cannot blame you. But don't mix up “going out drinking” with “drinking” because they are two very different things, and “drinking” shouldn't be unfairly saddled with all the baggage that “going out” brings. She's too good for that.

But...what were we talking about exactly? Should you drink? Yes, you should. Not much, but you should know about booze and know how to make a few drinks and it should taste good to you or people will think you're a pussy. I hope this makes sense. That line I was talking about? I'm skirting it right now, a little. It's great. I think I love you.