WRITING TWILIGHT: Edward and Bella (And Maybe Someone Else) Have A Conversation

I've been working on my Twilight Fan Fiction, trying to really find my way into S. Meyer's head. I may have gone too far this time; it was some Being John Malkovich shit. Excuse me while I try to go dig my way out the (vampire) rabbit-hole.

Previously: Blogging Twilight pt. 24: Girlfriend In A Coma
All previous entries can be found in the directory.

"Edward and Bella (And Maybe Someone Else) Have A Conversation"

In the hospital room, Bella Swan was still arguing with Edward. “Face it, you fucking retard: you spend most of your time worrying that I will die, and yet you have the power to protect me from basically all danger, for all eternity, and you won’t use it! Make me a fucking vampire!”
“Bella, I want you to live your life,” he said.
“You keep saying that, but hasn’t it occurred to you that I’ve spent weeks articulating to you the fact that I am not a normal person who wants to do normal things? I don’t have a checklist of life’s milestones in front of me, and furthermore, it isn’t your responsibility to make sure I grow up correctly, even if I am wrong in not wanting to. You are my boyfriend. It is your responsibility to fuck me. Nothing else. Would you rather be my father?”
“No…” Edward paused.
“Why do you keep pausing twice?” Bella said.
“I only paused once,” Edward said.
“Well, it sounded to me like you concluded that sentence with an ellipsis. And then you paused. You always over-emphasize your emotions with extraneous punctuation.”
“I just wanted to, I don’t know.” Edward’s face was full of the pain of an earlier century.
“I don’t want to end your life, Bella.”
“Who just said that?” Bella said.
“What? I did,” Edward said.
“Well, you said the first sentence, but then it seemed to me that something was indicating that someone else was speaking. I wasn’t sure where that line was coming from.”
“It must have been a mistake,” Edward said.
“What do you mean, a mistake? This is supposed to be like a normal conversation.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t pay as much attention in English class as you, Bella,” Edward said.
“Well, paragraph breaks during scenes of dialogue are pretty fucking basic,” Bella said. “I’m pretty sure I learned that in the third grade. Did you see what I just did there, by the way? How I naturally paused after ‘basic’ but I kept speaking within the same paragraph? Was that so fucking complicated?”
“Bella,” Edward said angrily.
“Stop being such a bitch.”
“Did you just call me a bitch?” Edward said.
“No, you said that. See, even you are losing track of what you are saying yourself! This is a serious problem, probably the most serious one you have. The sort of rhetorical flourishes you use are embarrassing sometimes, Edward, but it can be forgiven because you’re so earnest, and that’s kind of admirable in the 21st century. But the paragraph breaks are really unforgivable.”
“But couldn’t the argument be made that I was leaving those breaks in there to emphasize my point?”
“I understand that some people can break grammatical rules for emphasis. Like if you’ve ever had a conversation with my friend Cormac, you know that most of the time it’s not even clear when he is speaking. But with you, I don’t get the sense that you know you are breaking the rules. It’s like how people excused that Alanis Morissette song ‘Ironic,’ which didn’t have any real irony in it, by saying that it was ironic that nothing in the song was ironic. There is no way she knew that! The song contains no winking allusions to some second-tier joke, not that it would need to, but you have to assume that if Alanis was aware of what she was doing she would have also been aware that English teachers around the globe were going to freak the fuck out when her song came out. So you’d think there’d be something in there to say ‘Hey, I know what I’m doing here’ but there isn’t.”
“Bella, you’re rambling,” Edward said. “What is the point?”
“See! How hard was that? You just did it right!”
“Don’t patronize me Bella.”
“No! Seriously, you did!”
“Fuck you, Bella.”
“Yes! That’s what I’ve been saying! Fuck me!”
“You’re in a hospital bed,” Edward countered.
“Right!” Bella said. “Easy access!” She lifted her hospital gown.
“Well…” Edward paused.
“Jesus Christ, Edward. Forget it.”