BLOGGING NEW MOON, pt. 24: Karma Police

Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 21: Verdict

When we last left our heroes, they were following Jane through a series of creepy stone corridors on their way, presumably, to the even creepier Volturi HQ. But eventually they emerge in a bland office hallway. Okay. Throughout this chapter S. Meyer makes some fleeting stabs at an ill-articulated “banality of evil” theme she can't bring herself to stick to: Most of the Volturi, we will see, wear drab, everyday clothing, but some wear EVIL-LOOKING CLOAKS! The offices look unassuming and businesslike, but the flowers remind Bella OF A FUNERAL HOME! This problem extends to the Volturi themselves, who don't end up coming across as particularly threatening but are nonetheless rhetorically treated as such. As our heroes walk toward the meeting with Aro they pass from the generic office-park interiors to dark scary tunnels and back into the light again, which unintentionally mirrors this chapter's seeming indecision. The Volturi are evil, no they are not, yes they are.

(Which isn't to say that the “friendly villain” thing doesn't lead to a funny, self-aware moment or two. When the entire party has to pile into an elevator, Jane ends up holding the door for Edward, Bella, and Alice. “Her expression was apathetic,” Bella says. Of course, this happens while we are still under the assumption that the Volturi are super-evil, and when that threat turns out to be just that, a threat, the joke is retrospectively deprived of its weight.)

They end up in a waiting area where Bella is shocked to see that the Volturi employ a human secretary. What Bella, is a vampire going to do all that typing? Wait a minute, what typing? What is this whole office for? The Volturi exist to enforce one rule: Don't act like a vampire. Do they need to write memos for that?

“ATTN All employees of the Volturi: This holiday weekend, please enjoy your time off and partake in the festivities, but please, as always, do not partake in eating people in places where you might get caught. Thank you for your consideration!”-Aro

They are greeted by a male version of Jane named Alec, who is the friendliest of all.

“Welcome back, Edward,” Alec greeted him. “You seem in a better mood.”

How nice! BUT ALSO SCARY PROBABLY. I'm waiting for Alec to do something remotely ominous, but no dice. He addresses Bella briefly, and for some reason Felix says, “Dibs” at her mention. Right, that seems like something an ancient, powerful, European vampire would say. NICE WRITING, STEPHENIE! That is so stupid. Alec and Jane lead the gang into a “brighter, cavernous room,” which Bella guesses is a castle turret. Natural light streams in from above (which is a nice echo of the Cullens and their glass house, which is not a metaphor for anything, recall that their house is like, half glass), and a large group of vampires socialize below. Aro approaches.

“Jane, dear one, you've returned!” he cried in evident delight. His voice was just a soft sighing.

How does one cry out in a soft sigh? (Also, just how I like my women: softly sighing.) Aro drifts toward them with a grace that startles Bella: “Even Alice, whose every motion looked like dancing, could not compare.” Oh boy. Does this mean we're going to have to deal with S. Meyer describing everything as “like dancing” twice as often now?

Aro has skin described by Bella as “translucently white.” It's thin and papery in contrast to his hair, which is still shiny and full of body. The suggestion therefore, is that after a few thousand years vampires do start to look old and decrepit. That sort of sucks! I feel like the Cullens should have made that clear to Bella! Eternal youth is false advertising.

“And Alice and Bella, too!” he rejoiced, clapping his thin hands together. “This is a happy surprise. Wonderful!”

Seriously – I'm sure Michael Sheen is a good guy and all, but Summit really missed the boat when they didn't get this guy to play Aro:

That's a casting bingo!

Aro seems genuinely excited and happy that everything worked out. OR IS IT OMINOUSLY HAPPY? He starts excitedly chatting with Alice, praising her abilities, and she tries to be modest. It is interesting that Alice downplayed her skills with respect to the Volturi (“makes what I can do look like a parlor trick”) when talking to Bella, but the Volturi seem to feel the opposite; Aro is almost about to ask for her autograph. Alice is to the Volturi as Ashley Greene is to male bloggers. And it turns out Aro is well-versed in Alice's exploits because he used his power on Edward: he too can read minds, but only by making physical contact. The tradeoff is that he sees every thought you've ever had.

Alice inclined her delicate eyebrows, and Edward inclined his head.

As if to say “I could give this motherfucker A SHOW,” with which Edward would naturally agree. Aro seems jealous of Edward's power, especially after the above telepathic communiqué. I don't know, Aro's power seems pretty great. He shouldn't look a mind-reading horse in the mouth. I guess it would get irritating when you made it all the way back to thoughts from childhood, (every piece of candy you ate/wanted to eat for instance) but the touching thing doesn't seem like much of an obstacle for what you get in return. You can find lots of reasons to touch other people! (I'm hoping this is a power he can control – like, as opposed to Bruce Willis in Unbreakable or something– because otherwise if say, you were having sex with someone, you'd see every other time they had sex, too! Might be kind of a drag, though at least you'd know where you stood.)

Marcus and Caius, the other two Volturi Popes, who are basically described as Snape One and Snape Two, come in and Aro excitedly informs them that Bella is alive and well. They don't seem to care. Both are sullen and bored, which is both funny because of how Aro behaves, and convenient because we have enough characters already. I'm happy to let Caius and Marcus blend into the background. Which they proceed to do for a long while, but not before Marcus touches Aro's hand - communicating something in silence. But Edward immediately proceeds to explain what happened and repeat what Marcus “said,” like a game of Vampire Telephone. Why bother, S. Meyer?

Edward explains that Marcus can see relationships, can gauge the strength of them. What a boring fucking power! No wonder the guy is in a bad mood! Marcus is surprised, apparently, at how close Edward and Bella are. Bella is of course still under the impression that Edward doesn't love her, and so you'd think she'd have something to say at this, but no. See, sooner or later our lovers are going to have to have one of those “but I thought you didn't love me!” conversations, so until that happens all evidence to contradict Bella's self-loathing will sail directly over her head. No small feat, since she is the narrator!

Aro starts talking about Edward's thoughts and passion for Bella (Listening yet, Bella? No?) and then gets oddly confessional, talking about how proud he is of Carlisle's success and how surprised he is by that feeling of pride. “I'd scoffed at his plan to find others who would share his peculiar vision. Yet somehow, I'm happy to be wrong,” he says. The big problem with the Volturi being such nice people is that it makes Alice and Edward look like jerks for hating them. S. Meyer herself seems to be begging us to fear these guys, without giving us any real reason.

(Now, eventually something will happen that makes the Volturi seem evil, but really it will make our heroes look a lot worse. But we'll get to that.)

Aro asks if he can test his power on Bella; he knows Edward can't read her mind. She consents and raises her shaking hand. Nothing happens. Aro seems bothered by this, but still, not a sufficiently worrisome amount. He wants Jane to test her power, whatever it is, and Edward freaks out. Alice holds him back, but he breaks free.

Before I could react, before anyone could jump between them...Edward was on the ground.

Jane essentially has the vampire version of the cruciatus curse – she gives you a look and it's like your brain is getting waterboarded. Edward writhes in agony, Alice has to hold Bella back, and Aro finally tells Jane to let up. Bella gets too distracted watching Edward get to his feet to realize that Jane is giving her the crucio stare and it isn't working. Jane is miffed, Aro is amused, and finally we get to the point of this so-far-so-breezy meeting. Aro re-extends his job offer to Edward, who politely declines. Then Alice, who politely declines. Then Bella! Hold up, what?

"Her?"-Michael Cullen

Aro seems to think Bella's impenetrable brain promises a cool vampire power (an incredibly strong skull she can use as a battering ram?) - “I haven't seen prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec,” Aro says – but Edward and the other Volturi protest. Bella declines anyway. Shit girl, could have been your chance!

Aro sighed. “That's unfortunate. Such a waste.”
Edward hissed. “Join or die, is that it? I suspected as much when you brought us to this room. So much for your laws.”

Edward is deliberately playing to the Volturi sense of duty, which apparently is a thing. Aro immediately says he has no intention of harming them. But Caius speaks up then and says “the law claims” Bella. A protracted (and stupid) legal dispute follows. Caius alleges that Bella knows too much about vampires, to which Edward points out that the Volturi employ human secretaries. Caius's response is, essentially, “that doesn't count.” You know what I think the problem is? Vampires have a single, vaguely worded law! You can't establish a workable legal system on that! “We have to keep our existence a secret,” you say. How, specifically? Laws need to identify the specific social behaviors that constitute problems and find solutions to their causes. I've got a former professor who works for the International Consortium For Law And Development – the Volturi should talk to her. That way you won't all be sitting around going “I think she broke our law, maybe!”

Courtesy of ICLAD

The flexibility of Volturi law ends up working to the advantage of our heroes, but mostly because Aro seems to be trying to find a solution. He says if Edward intends to vamp Bella, then they will all be free to go. “But I'm afraid you would have to mean it,” Aro says. But guess the fuck what? Edward can't man up.

“Mean it,” I whispered. “Please.”
Was it really such a loathsome idea? Would he rather die than change me? I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.

You're missing the more important part, Bella. Edward would rather you die than change you. His whole justification, in the first place, was that to change you would be to cut your human life short, to take your life from you. And now, here you are faced with your life being cut short anyway, and he'd still rather not do it. What a fucking jerk!

And then guess the fuck again what? Alice, that's what. She walks toward Aro and holds out her hand. “I heard Edward's teeth snap together,” Bella says. Fuck you, Edward. Aro spends a long time getting all of Alice's thoughts – Bella seems to think it is taking too long (Bella is some kind of scientist in the field of magic spell-length now?)- and he finally lets go exhilarated.

He looked up slowly, his eyes bright with excitement. “That was fascinating!”
“Yeah? Sorry you had to see that thing about the balance beam sex.” Alice said.
“It was quite something my dear – is that physically possible?” His voice was just a soft sighing.
“I haven't tried it yet, I came up with it on the plane.” Alice laughed and the sound was all silver, a wind chime.
“Well, you'll have to keep me posted.”

But seriously, apparently Alice intends to vamp Bella – and so Aro tells them they're free to go. “But please visit again,” he says. “It's been absolutely enthralling!” What a nice guy! Caius mentions that the Volturi will be paying them a visit soon, to make sure Alice makes good on her promise. Bella, who should be happy with this turn of events, is mostly just still depressed about the fact that Edward seems to want very badly to keep her mortal. I don't understand why she isn't getting the moral of this story: Alice loves her and will do anything for her! What do you see in this Edward guy?

Speaking of morals, or the complete and utter lack thereof, something happens in this chapter that is just appalling. We finally see an (expected) evil side to the Volturi, but we also see an (unexpected) evil side to our main characters. Because Bella, Edward, and Alice do something totally gutless and selfish as they leave the castle turret: They run into a group of tourists being led in by a Volturi staff member, and it becomes immediately clear to everyone that they are being led to slaughter. Bella watches an old woman gripping Rosary beads and her eyes fill with tears.

AND THEN THEY KEEP WALKING.

WHAT? They see a bunch of people about to get killed, and don't do anything to stop it?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS? I know it's not something they could really stop, but they don't even THINK about MAYBE stopping it! No one says “We have to save them!” to which someone else could say “There's nothing we can do.” NOT EVEN THAT MUCH HAPPENS. It's troubling with regard to the morality of our heroes (I'll give Alice a pass; she doesn't remember being human so conventional standards of morality don't apply, but Edward “Jesus is Light” Cullen has some fucking explaining to do) but also the morality of our author, who is now regularly treating every human other than our main characters like the CGI extras in a Roland Emmerich movie - the hundreds of bodies falling into the hole opening in the surface of the earth.

As far as S. Meyer is concerned, that white car up top is you.

We got a suggestion of this with Edward planning a killing spree in Volterra, which was treated by Alice and Bella as only bad for Edward, but this tops everything. Literally, all I am asking is for someone to say, “Man, I wish we could have helped them.” BUT NOPE. In the next chapter Bella says something like “All of those people!” and Edward's reply is like, “Yeah.”

Remember that Edward wouldn't cave to the Volturi a minute ago even though it meant Bella would die for no reason, and yet now he is letting them have their way even though it means a bunch of other people will die for no reason. Edward is all around in favor of people dying for no reason, in other words. Oy vey. Harry Potter would not stand for this shit. He would have run back into that room, come what may.