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I'm beginning to see the merit in fan fiction. In the next installment of Blogging New Moon we'll be discussing a particularly frustrating and stupid conversation between Edward and Bella; slogging through it, I couldn't help but wonder what Alice and Jasper were up to. Here's one possibility. Previous entries can be found in the directory."Alice and Jasper Fuck The Cullen House To The Ground"
Alice Cullen climbed off of Jasper and sighed. “Sorry to have worried you,” she said.
“I knew you'd be okay,” Jasper smiled. “Just don't do that again.”
“You mean that corkscrew move? Or the-”
“I was referring to running off to Italy on a suicide mission,” Jasper said. “The other thing you can do any time.”
She laughed and the sound was all silver, a wind chime. It was the first time they'd spoken since the airport; they hadn't wasted time talking then. To Alice, it suddenly seemed so long ago. How long had they been...?
She looked for the clock on the bedside table, but it was gone. Matter of fact, now that Alice was getting her bearings, everything about their room was different now. The dresser in which Alice kept all of her everyday clothes was missing. The other dresser in which she kept her role playing costumes and leather was also missing. The cabinet in which Jasper kept his gun and whip collection was gone. Also: the walls had fallen down.
“What the fuck?” Alice tried to sit up and realized that several heavy boards were pinning her against the bed. She looked over at Jasper, who looked similarly bewildered. Together, they pushed the rubble off of their bed, at which point it became clear that the bed itself had been reduced to torn blankets, scraps of wood and loose springs. They were lying at the bottom of a crater about ten feet deep. Which was strange, because their room was on the second floor.
“Fuck,” Alice said, just now noticing the dirt under her fingernails and all over her skin. She seemed to be missing a tooth, and there was plaster in her hair. It might not have been plaster, actually.
They sat in silence for a moment, trying to piece together what had happened.
“We've gotten carried away before,” Jasper said thoughtfully.
“Sure,” Alice said. “Like February 9th, 1971?”
“San Fernando,” Jasper laughed, then his face turned solemn. “All those poor people.”
“I know,” Alice grinned, an erotically charged smile crossing her lips.
72 hours later, Alice and Jasper untangled themselves and looked up at the mouth of the now-even-deeper crater.
“Okay, where were we?” Alice said.
“Trying to figure out how we got here.” Jasper said.
“I think the first order of business is finding some clothes.” She looked around for a logical place to start.
“Right.”
The task proved more difficult than they'd expected- the clothes they'd been wearing, days ago, were hopelessly shredded and scattered amongst the wreckage. Alice finally found one of her intact dresser drawers in a remote corner of the crater, a cave that must have been carved out inadvertently when Jasper had tried a new angle and miscalculated. She found a suitable outfit for herself, but Jasper had to wear one of her flowery blouses.
“I think I'd rather go out there naked,” He said wryly.
“It's daylight,” Alice said, squinting up at the opening of the crater. “At least, I think it is. Who knows who's up there? We might have to pretend to be survivors for the rescue crew.”
“Guatemala all over again,” Jasper sighed. “Do we have anything we can use for blood or do you think the dirt is enough?”
“Wear a stricken expression,” Alice suggested.
When they clawed their way up to the surface, squinting in the sunlight, they were greeted with a scene of utter devastation. Chunks of cement and metal were piled on all sides, gigantic shards of broken glass were strewn everywhere. Six primordial cedars had fallen down. The entire Cullen family house had collapsed.
“Fuuuuuuck,” Alice sighed.
A few feet to the west, the rest of the Cullen family sat on their two remaining pieces of furniture: a couch and a mismatched ottoman. They were watching a cracked flatscreen TV perched on a rock, plugged into a generator buzzing noisily a few feet away.
Alice and Jasper approached cautiously.
“Finally they finish,” Emmett grinned sardonically when he saw them. Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie turned around slowly, almost cautiously. Esme smiled in a maternal way. Rosalie grimaced bitchily.
Carlisle gave them a weak smile. “You know,” he started. “I think it's time you two found your own place.”
Previously:
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