BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt. 11: You're Kidding Me, Quil

Oh boy. This book has finally gone off the deep end. And I mean wayyyyyy off. We're jumping from a wading pool to the middle of the fucking Pacific Ocean. We're going way the fuck 'round the bend. We're going so the fuck far 'round the bend, we won't even be able to see the bend anymore. The bend will be a dot to us. Little did I realize that Rosalie remembering fondly the sexual glares she got from men at age twelve and her later admission that she was attracted to Emmett because she reminded him of a giant baby were just appetizers, fucking mozzarella sticks before S. Meyer dropped a fucking T-bone steak on our heads. We were building toward the crescendo of motherfucking Chapter Eight, we just didn't know it at the time. Buckle the fuck up.

Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 7 (cont'd): Unhappy Ending

Rosalie again tries to impress upon Bella the consequences of becoming a vampire: it comes with a mandatory hysterectomy. “You have the choice that I didn't have, and you're choosing wrong!” she says. Somewhere, Alice snorts in disgust and goes back to having great unprotected sex with no threat of conception. Rosalie laments that she and Emmett can't grow old together, surrounded on a porch by grandchildren.

“SO THE FUCK WHAT?” -Alice Cullen, Bella Swan, Everyone Else

I refuse to believe that immortality, super-strength, and super-beauty are overrated. ADOPT! Rosalie's value system is even more fucked than Edward's. “You're too young to know what you'll want in ten years, fifteen years,” Rosalie says. But Bella will only get old enough to regret her decision if she gets older, Rosalie! I know that is a cheap, Pascal's Wager-like way out of the argument, but it also happens to be true. (Unlike Pascal's Wager, that's right I said it, want to fight about it, theologians?)

On the way to school the next day, Alice promises they'll do something fun that night. She worries that if Bella is miserable all weekend Edward will take her Porsche away. Atta girl, Alice. Look out for number one. The rest of these people are beyond saving. Between classes, Mike Newton takes Edward's absence as an opportunity to ask Bella out again. Atta boy, Mike keep fucking that chicken. It's almost like the supporting characters know they are being more marginalized than ever in this book, and in response they are getting desperate. Speaking of weird, Pirandello-lite moments, Bella doesn't get a chance to verbally castrate Mike because suddenly Jacob zooms in out of nowhere on his motorcycle.

Atta girl, S. Meyer! This development is predictable but still somehow unexpected; it reads like Jacob is literally invading the text, tacked on to a totally unrelated chapter like this. He shouts to Bella to get on his (wait for it) bike, and she runs to him, leaving school and Mike in her dust. As they speed off, she sees Alice too far away, shouting “Fuck you, cunt!” (probably).

Chapter 8: Temper

On the Rez, Jacob praises his own ingenuity, which amounted to hearing from Bella that Alice couldn't “see” his decisions and taking advantage of that fact. Still, for Jacob putting 2 and 2 together like that is a giant leap forward. I'm not saying Jacob Black is stupid, but one time he got locked in a mattress store overnight and he slept on the floor. They walk along the beach, and Bella asks jokingly what the latest “pack scandal” is. Jacob stops walking. She realizes something scandalous really must have happened, and Jacob tells her that Quil imprinted.

“That's three now. The rest of us are starting to get worried. Maybe it's more common than the stories say...”

He turns and stares at Bella, apparently attempting to force himself to imprint on her. Gross, I think! It doesn't take, obviously, but he grabs her hand and keeps walking. Bella takes a second to think about how it is probably a bad idea to hold Jacob's hand, but does it anyway because of course she does. If there is some kind of other version of imprinting, where you are irrationally compelled to cock-tease someone with unceasing effort forever, Bella must have imprinted that way on Jacob.

Bella wants to know why it is a big deal that Quil imprinted. Soon she'll be wishing she never asked. Jacob says Quil has been hanging out at Emily's place a lot, and Bella jumps to the conclusion that Quil imprinted on Emily. “No,” Jacob says. It's much worse. Emily's cousins came down for a visit recently, and Bella jumps to the conclusion that Quil imprinted on a cousin and Emily doesn't want one of her family members to get her face ripped off too. That would be understandable, but Jacob says that isn't it either.

But clearly we're building toward something. Did Quil imprint on a guy? Wouldn't that be refreshing? Of course that is not what is about to happen.

Jacob appraised me with narrowed eyes. “Try not to be judgmental, okay?”

I'm bracing myself. Are you bracing yourself? It doesn't matter.

“Claire is two,” Jacob told me.

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