BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt. 8: Arrested Development

Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 5: Imprint

Still on the Rez, Bella asks Jacob about what's new. It turns out our old friend Quil Ateara has finally joined in with the wolfpack, and he is pumped as all get out. Why not, right? He's got all of his friends back, he's privy all of the Quileute secrets, and he's a FUCKING WEREWOLF. Quil's enthusiasm makes more sense than Jacob's angst; just like the vampires, there are almost no drawbacks to being a member of the wolfpack. And we learn a few more details in this chapter that mostly sweeten the deal. Jacob is still bemused. “It's so Quil,” he says. Is that the Twilight equivalent of “That's so Raven”? It is now, anyway.

Bella gets a really personal history of Sam Uley's love life, courtesy of the hive-mind abilities of the wolfpack. Recall that they can all hear the others' thoughts; there are no secrets between werewolves. I know that doesn't sound like a good thing, total loss of privacy and all, but it's a totally equal exchange between all involved. So Jacob knows about Sam Uley's complex love life, but Sam Uley knows about every sexual scenario in which Jacob has imagined Bella. Having totally honest relationships is the ideal, isn't? But we almost involuntarily lock aspects of ourselves away. What if you couldn't? It would suck for a few days, and then you'd get over it.

Bella pushes Jacob into telling her why Sam Uley hates the Cullens so much. He says it's a long story, and she reminds him that she is in no rush to leave.

“Will he be mad at you?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “He really hates it when I do things he considers... risky.”

Switch “risky” out with “naughty” and you've got the start of an Edward/Bella BDSM Fan Fiction right there, just saying. Jacob very slowly explains that Sam Uley used to date Harry's daughter, Leah. It takes Bella aback a bit to know this.

It was just that I'd seen Sam with Emily, and I couldn't imagine him with someone else. The way he looked at her... well, it reminded me of a look I'd seen sometimes in Edward's eyes – when he was looking at me.

Good. I'm glad Edward's mannerisms are similar to that of a known domestic abuser and obsessive. Sam was dating Leah back when he first transformed into a wolf, an act that freaked him out so much he couldn't change back into a human for two weeks. He vanished from the Rez, a search party went out, and when he finally returned rumors flew everywhere. He couldn't tell Leah what he was and their relationship strained, but Jacob says they were making it work. How were they making it work?

“Sam, why do you keep disappearing for days on end and coming back without any clothing? Why are you constantly running a fever?” Leah demanded.
“I can't tell you,” Sam said slowly.
“Oh, okay.” Leah said.

But then one day Leah's cousin Emily came down to visit. Bella is rightly like, “AW NO HE DIDN'T.” Jacob is like "hold up."

“Don't judge him just yet. Did anyone ever tell you... Have you ever heard of imprinting?”

As if S. Meyer wasn't unconvincing enough at writing “true love,” now she's decided to undermine herself further with some Injun magic! Because sometimes, it turns out, werewolves just fall in love with someone just by laying eyes on her. It doesn't happen very often (as always, S. Meyer also finds a way to make one of her plot rules flexible enough to ignore it whenever it is convenient) but it happened to Sam Uley. And how did Emily fall in love with a guy who broke her cousin's heart?

“She was real angry, in the beginning. But it's hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration.”

Oh, he just WORE HER DOWN! Perfect! Jacob also says that “weirdly enough” the whole thing where Sam ripped off Emily's fucking face was what really brought them together. PERFECTER. “Weirdly enough,” indeed, Jacob. Weirdly enough, my heart is so warmed right now by this wonderful story that my blood is LITERALLY boiling and my skin is melting off!

See, Sam felt really bad, and soon Emily “was the one comforting him.” She felt bad about how bad he felt, and that made her love him. That's how it works! Magic spells and mutual anguish builds relationships that last a lifetime! These two continue to be a model couple, like Sid and Nancy, or Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas, or Phil Specter and that lady he shot. But don't worry guys, Sam Uley feels really bad about hurting Leah, and Jacob & the boys have to deal with his misery every day. Damn that Injun magic!

Bella asks the obvious question: has Jacob imprinted? He says no, and Bella internally breathes a sigh of relief. She's glad Jacob doesn't claim there is some “mystical, wolfy connection” between them; dude is rape-y enough as it is. This is the most sensible thought Bella has had in months.

Jacob's standard bitterness about the Cullens resurfaces a few times during the conversation, and at one point Bella tells him to grow up.

“I wish I could,” he murmured quietly.

That's right folks. Werewolves don't age! Ha! Does it say something about S. Meyer's level of maturity that she only seems capable of writing characters who are literally stuck, development-wise? Even her ostensibly mature characters find reasons to not be mature. Naturally Bella freaks the fuck out when she hears that Jacob has ceased getting older, crying “tears of rage” and subsequently getting the song “Tears of Rage” stuck in my head. Her pathetic tantrum is interrupted by two more facts from Jacob (always with the werewolf facts, this kid). First of all, he will continue to age again as soon as he gains enough self-control to stop transforming into a wolf for good. That explains Sam Uley's eerily serene personality, but apparently even he hasn't gotten a grip on it yet. Secondly, Jacob says he has physically matured past his actual age anyway. He places himself physically at 25. Hear that, ladies? Bella reminds us how she used to talk about how big and veiny Jacob had grown (you're welcome, I'm so Quil) in New Moon in case we don't buy it yet.

For a minute, at least, Bella and Jacob fall back into their old, fun selves. Or maybe they fall back into the old, fun selves they always claim to have once had; I don't actually remember a time when they were fun. But Jacob mentions that Bella must understand the whole wolf thought-reading thing because of Edward and she tells him (“a tiny big smug from old habit”) that Edward can't read her thoughts.

“Weird,” Jacob said.
“Yeah.” The smugness faded. “It probably means there's something wrong with my brain,” I admitted.
“I already knew there was something wrong with your brain,” Jacob muttered.

There's an artfully written (ha! But really, sort of) section in which the two of them sit silently and watch the sun come out from behind a cloud. But eventually Jacob starts dissing Edward again, calling him a “disgusting parasite.” The insults in this book are really lacking in color. Bella is frustrated with all of it. The posturing, not the lame insults. But that's the real crime.

“See,” I explained. “I don't care who's a vampire and who's a werewolf. That's irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella. And nothing else matters.”
His eyes narrowed slightly. “But I am a werewolf,” he said unwillingly. “And he is a vampire.”

God DAMN it, Jacob. I can see we're not getting anywhere with this today.