BLOGGING ECLIPSE pt. 13: I Am A Breathing Time Machine

Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 9: Target

Bella goes back to her house and Charlie in the morning; he makes a big deal out of the fact that Jacob called and left a message: I'm sorry I'm such a dick. Charlie urges her to accept the apology, but Bella declines. Good.

“That's not very attractive behavior, Bella,” he said. “Forgiveness is divine.”

I thought Charlie was a cop, not my grandmother. By the way, telling your friends you wish they were dead: also not attractive behavior. While we're at it we should also add “dogmatically and nonsensically insisting on marriage and no sex before said marriage despite numerous otherworldly elements that one would assume would make registering with the state irrelevant” to that list. “Clawing off the face of your spouse in a bout of (admittedly) magic-induced rage,” is very unattractive behavior, as is “murdering the friends and security guards of your (admittedly) rapist-murderer ex-betrothed.” And “falling in love with a two year old child” deserves a spot near the top. This book is full of unattractive behavior, come to think of it – nobody is really in the position to cast the first stone. I guess Charlie sort of would be, so whatever.

Bella goes upstairs to do laundry and feels like something is amiss when she enters her room. Her pillow is gone, and a few clothing items she left scattered around are nowhere to be found. At first she assumes Alice cleaned and did laundry when she picked up Bella's things for the slumber party, but she doesn't find anything in the washing machine or the dryer. Bella goes searching for a red blouse in particular, but the doorbell rings and she goes to meet Edward. She answers the door with a smile, but Edward has a fierce, “shit is real” scowl on his face. Someone has been in the house – an unfamiliar vampire.

They talk in hushed anguish in the kitchen, and Charlie comes in and mistakes the situation for a fight, which obviously makes him happy. When they leave he's totally going to call Billy with the good news. In another, better book, that whole scenario could be played for that kind of laughter that eventually becomes sadness: Billy and Charlie are both alone, so they get too involved in silly teen dramas in order to distract themselves from their searing pain. But I'm pretty sure S. Meyer is just trying to be goofy here. WOCKA WOCKA. Bella and Edward leave in short order, calling Emmett and Jasper and dispatching them to come investigate further.

The rest of the Cullens and Bella hold an impromptu strategy meeting at Chez Cullen; when they arrive everyone is standing “still as statues in various poses of stress.” So like, a Ralph Lauren ad or something. Alice and Edward have an argument over the fact that Alice failed to see whatever happened; she complains that he's got her watching too much at once as it is. (Notably, Bella doesn't like hearing Edward speak harshly to Alice but says nothing about his sister's retorts. That's because you love Alice, Bella! When are you going to see that? If Edward is going to insist on no longer being an angry, controlling asshole the Team Alice movement is going to be that much more difficult to maintain.)

Everyone wants to suspect the Volturi or Victoria or Voldemort or some other Villainous Vampire, but it doesn't make sense that Alice wouldn't have seen them. Jasper and Emmett return with a scrap of plant – Carlisle smells it and says it's no one he's ever met before. Dude can remember the scent of everyone he's ever met? That's some nose you got there, Carlisle. That's one of the powers vampires have that I would not like: a supercharged sense of smell. Seems like more trouble than it's worth, no?

There are a few interesting character notes in this scene – Rosalie sits tense in the back of the room for most of the conversation, which at first just seems like aloof and bitchy Rosalie being aloof and bitchy. But she sighs with relief a moment before Emmett and Jasper come back in – she was just worried about her man! That's sweet, even if she fell in love with him because he looked like a giant man version of the baby she never got to have. Later, Esme proposes that maybe this vampire meant no harm, picked up the Cullen scent around Bella's house and went to investigate. Emmett asks why he or she wouldn't have just come to Chez Cullen directly. Esme has a very motherly moment.

“You would,” Esme said with a fond, sudden smile. The rest of us aren't always so direct."

But for the most part this chapter is just pages and pages of various Cullens speculating. Carlisle and Esme are cautiously optimistic; Edward and Alice are not. Ashley Greene, Peter Facinelli, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Elizabeth Reaser and Jackson Rathbone all read this chapter with crossed fingers: maybe I will actually have some lines in this movie!

Bella is overwhelmed by how many vampires there are in the world. Why? There's like, fifteen so far. How hard is that to believe?

How many times did the average human cross paths with them, completely unaware? How many deaths, obliviously reported as crimes and accidents, were really due to their thirst?

Um, it's still a crime if a vampire kills someone, Bella. Does she know that? It seems like she should know that. As they head back to Bella's house, Edward reassures her that everything will be fine, and she will never be alone – one of the Cullens will be watching her at all times. That's kind of weird, isn't it? It turns Bella on; when Edward leaves for a while she's comforted looking out into the rain and knowing that one of them (she names Alice specifically, Alice is outside getting wet, you are welcome) is out there watching (“If I'm going to be out here in the rain you should at least take your top off.”-Alice Cullen).

Next morning Charlie goes fishing (with “Deputy Mark” who I'm sure is an important character who will be mentioned again, just kidding) and Bella tells Edward she wants to let Jacob off the hook. (But not Quil right?) Edward takes the news with “an easy smile.” WHATTA GUY!

She calls the Blacks and Jacob picks up and apologizes profusely. He wants to get together – Bella is noncommittal, thinking about this new vamp and all.

“He's not thrilled with me, is he?” Jacob's voice was ashamed, rather than bitter, for once.

Good for him, learning a little contrition. She puts him on the phone with Edward (do Edward's mind reading powers work over the phone?) and the two of them talk, not sounding entirely hostile for once. Bella (and the rest of us) only get half of the conversation so it reads like an unfunny Bob Hope sketch for a while. The long & short of it is, Jacob and Edward, acting as werewolf and vampire diplomats, are going to redraw the treaty-borders so the wolves can help keep up watch at Bella's house. Jacob's chances of seeing Bella naked just increased five-fold. And Jacob is coming over now, to get the scent of the vampire intruder (Scent of The Vampire Intruder is my new band name). Everyone is getting along, united by a common foe. THAT SURE WAS UNEXPECTED.