WRITING ECLIPSE: Alice Cullen Reads Jacob Black's Fortune

First of all, congratulations to Ashley Greene, who apparently won "best scene stealer" at the TCAs. And now for some fan fiction. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

“ALICE CULLEN READS JACOB BLACK'S FORTUNE”

“I can't believe I'm doing this,” Jacob said sarcastically.
“Can you?” Alice said quietly, shuffling the deck of tarot cards.
“What?” Jacob said sarcastically.
“You keep imbuing your words with this sarcastic tone, but for the life of me I have no idea what the intended meaning could be.” Alice set the cards down on the table and sighed. “If you say something sarcastically, you're purposely undermining the sentiment of the words you are actually using, do you see? So you can't truly mean something and say it sarcastically at the same time, which is something you nonetheless try to do all the time.”
“What?” Jacob stared at Alice blankly.
“You are being sardonic, really. You're trying to express contempt for the things you are forced to say. But you still really mean them. If you'd sat down and said 'I'm REALLY looking forward to this fortune-telling,' then that would have been an appropriate use of sarcasm. You wouldn't have actually meant it.”
“I still don't understand.”
“Never mind,” Alice said quickly, waving her hand dismissively and reaching for a cigarette. “Let's not discuss it any further. Okay. So, your fortune.” She flipped over the first card in the deck with a flourish: the three sailors.
“What does it mean?” Jacob asked, real curiosity brightening his eyes.
“That depends. What month were you born again?” Alice moved the card around with her hand, following it with her eyes.
“March.”
“Okay, and how big is your bicep?”Alice glanced up at him curiously.
“How does that apply?”
“It doesn't I was just curious. The card means you're gay.”
“Bullshit.”
“The cards don't lie, Jacob. You like having sex with men. It's okay, I do too. You couldn't have picked a better place to live. There are quite a few nice pieces of man-meat around here.” Alice gestured around the windows of Jacob's house, leaving a thin ring of smoke around herself for a moment.
“Tell me about it,” Jacob said.
Alice grinned.
“I don't mean that in a gay way,” he said defensively.
“How could you not mean that in a gay way?” She mumbled as she flipped over the next card: the clock.
“And this one?”
“Usually it predicts the time a person will die. Paired with the three sailors, it means you will die at age three.”
“I already lived past the age of three.”
“Oh, right.” Alice stared at the deck of cards absent-mindedly. She really had no idea what she was doing. “It means your dick is three inches long.”
“No it isn't!” Jacob protested.
“The cards don't lie.”
“Yes they do!”
“Prove it,” Alice said, unsubtly licking her lips. Normally she wouldn't be so forward, but she felt like she needed to paint this picture for Jacob in broad strokes. Very broad strokes. Fucking Jackson Pollock splatter-strokes. When he didn't make a move, she unbuttoned the top button of her shirt and drew another card: death.
“That looks bad.”
“No, no.” She smiled, lying. “It symbolizes virility. The cards are saying you'd be very good in bed.”
“Well, the cards don't lie,” Jacob said sarcastically.
“Or do they?” Alice stubbed out her cigarette and looked Jacob in the eyes. It was sort of like looking at a wall, she mused. Or a pile of bricks. Jasper could be so intellectual sometimes, it was frustrating. This Jacob was an appealing young brute. “Hey, look over there!” she shouted suddenly.
Jacob looked around for what she was pointing at while Alice scanned through the deck at lightning speed, finally moving a card from the middle to the top of the deck. Jacob turned around.
“What am I looking at?”
“Oh, there was a dog. I thought, maybe, it was one of your friends. But it was a normal dog.”
“Very funny. What's the next card?”
Alice turned it over: the lovers. “It means,” she said very slowly. “That you are going to have sex. Right now.”
“Huh?” Jacob was startled. “With who?”
“Um,” Alice gave him a sideways look, and when he didn't catch on, simply pointed at herself.
“I'm not going to have sex with a bloodsucker,” he said sarcastically.
“So, you mean to say that you really are going to?” Alice asked.
Jacob thought about it. He really should stop using words he didn't understand, but it seemed to be working out okay this time. “Yes?”
“See? You're learning,” Alice said, standing up.