I was looking forward to this chapter based on the name alone. And I was kind of right? It's a good chapter. It's light and fun and inconsequential. I think I've said before that my favorite Harry Potter book is Half-Blood Prince. I mean, it's probably not the BEST of the series by a longshot, but it was my favorite to read because the characters we'd all grown to love had a lot of room to run around; there was breathing room in that book. We never seem to get that in Twilight—even though nothing ever happens—but this is an exception to that rule.Previously: Still Life With Cullens
(My love for HBP might also be because I read the first six books in streak, mostly on the roof of my apartment building in Philadelphia, in 2007. The seventh book wasn't out, so I think I slowed down and took my time when I got to HBP. I've only read the Harry Potter books through once, and yet I've gone over Twilight in detail. Isn't that awful? If God is a YA fan I'm going to hell. Or if God has Tumblr, I guess.)
Chapter 26: Shiny
Late in the day, Charlie is finally leaving Chez Cullen. He's due for dinner with Billy and Sue Clearwater on the Rez. Whoa, what the hell is going on with THAT situation? At the end of Eclipse, we got a minor indication that Billy Black was preparing himself to tap the ass of Harry's widow, but now Charlie's up in that business too. Huh. I knew they were friends, but I didn't know they were like, threesome-level friends. (Sue Clearwater is literally the only single woman we have ever even HEARD OF in this book, so can you blame them?)
Bella lets us know that the rest of the visit went fine, that Charlie had watched the game and that most of Emmett's double (and then single) entendres had sailed over his head. “He was totally oblivious to Emmett's suggestive jokes that got more pointed and less football-related with each aside,” is how she puts it.
“Just shove the ball up the middle, am I right Bella?”-Emmett Cullen
“Did you see how hard he hit that, Bella?”-Emmett Cullen
“I know girls like it when the linebacker and the front end swap positions.”-Emmett Cullen
“He just spit! But really, he should swallow, that's just polite.”-Emmett Cullen
“I wonder how old those balls are.”-Emmett Cullen
“The problem with this play is: not enough clitoral stimulation.”-Emmett Cullen
Before he goes, Charlie feels out the possibility that the Cullens will be bailing sometime soon. Bella doesn't paint him a rosy picture—“I can't promise we'll never leave, Dad,” she tells him. But she comforts him, as he holds Renesmee, with the fact that her middle name is (as previously noted by y'all in the comments) Carlie. As in Carlisle plus Charlie. RENESMEE CARLIE. In the margin I wrote: “UGH BELLA YOU DUMB BITCH.” And I really don't anything more to add to my original assessment. But why haven't we heard this before? Did she just decide on it right now?
“Can we, uh, maybe discuss this?”-Edward Cullen
And then he takes one last look around the room; Bella describes the scene for us. Alice is lounging at the foot of the staircase with Jasper's head in her lap (hey now!), Carlisle is reading, Esme is sketching. Edward's at the piano, and Rose and Emmett are building a “monumental house of cards.” SYMBOLIC.
There was no evidence that the day was coming to a close, that it might be time to eat or shift activities in preparation for the evening. Something intangible had changed in the atmosphere. The Cullens weren't trying as hard as they usually did—the human charade had slipped ever so slightly, enough for Charlie to feel the difference.
We hear so often about how sexy the Cullens are that we forget (and Bella forgets) that they are also kind of spooky! As Charlie pulls out of the driveway, Edward congratulates Bella on her control. Emmett sneers that she's not even a vampire, she's “too tame.” Amen, Emmett! All this time I've assumed Alice was me, but am I Emmett? (That's kind of a tongue twister: Am I Emmett? Am I Emmett? Am I Emmett?)
Bella snarls at the implication that she is tame. But you are, girl! Just because you've had sex three times, it doesn't make you Alice all of a sudden! But anyway, Edward reminds her that she made a promise to him about something she would do when she was immortal. (The word “immortal” always sounds ridiculous to me—video gamey, I guess. Am I Immortal, Emmett? Am I Immortal, Emmett? Now it kinda sounds like it should be a palindrome.) That promise, as I recall, was to kick the shit out of Emmett.
After a moment, I remembered and I gasped, “Oh!”
Alice trilled a long, pealing laugh.
So Bella challenges Emmett to an arm wrestling match on the dining room table. No joke: this event is the centerpiece of this chapter.
“Er, Bella,” Alice said quickly. “I think Esme is rather fond of that table. It's an antique.”
“Thanks,” Esme mouthed at her.
(“I found out when Jasper and I tried to fuck on it.”-Alice Cullen) They instead head for the backyard, where a large granite boulder sits near the river. (“Er, Bella, Jasper and I are rather fond of that boulder...”-Alice Cullen) Bella gets nervous as she watches the “thick muscles in Emmett's arm roll” after he's positioned himself. Um, I though vampires were basically made of stone? Their muscles still roll? The bet they make is that if Bella wins the match, Emmett has to stop making sex jokes. Of course that would be all Bella asks for (“I want to end the sexy talk in this book as quickly as I can”-Bella Cullen). Bella wouldn't like this blog very much, eh? Own your sexuality, woman! Just fuck Edward right in front of him, THAT will shut him up! Emmett says if he wins, the teasing will get a lot worse. Good for you, buddy. But you're totally going to lose. Bella feels Emmett shove against her with all his strength (you're welcome), but he doesn't budge her. She thrills at the insane strength she has in a single arm.
His hand shoved against mine with crushing force, but it wasn't unpleasant. It felt kind of good in a weird way.
Well okay then! After a few seconds, she slams Emmett's arm down, breaking a chunk off the boulder when she does. While he stomps away angrily, Bella puts her hand against the rock and digs her fingers into it, coming away with a handful of gravel. “Cool,” she says; this is Bella's “Keanu Whoa” moment. She spins and karate chops the boulder in half, then starts systematically and joyfully pounding it into dust. Bella ignores the laughter behind her until RNSM joins in with a giggle. When she turns everybody is staring at RNSM like “she can laugh, too?”
Then the sun “bursts through the clouds” and Bella sees Edward in the sunlight, as a vampire, for the first time. How many different times can she see him for the first time? This is the fourth! (Also annoying: early in the chapter, Bella makes passing reference to the fact that it looks like they might get a little sun right before it sets. And then this happens. So, Bella accurately predicted the weather, OK. It bothers me that this is S. Meyer's idea of good writing—dropping a vague hint apropos of nothing a few paragraphs before X event in order to make it seem more earned.)
And then Bella has the soliloquy I alluded to last time, in which she talks about what an “average” girl she once was, and how she'd saddled up after “eight years of mediocrity” to the soft bigotry of low expectations. But then she found out what she did best, and along with it came true happiness.
Cool story, right? Except what Bella is good at is being a vampire. Maybe she'll be the best vampire EVER, and that could have some interesting implications for the rest of this book. Maybe that throwaway Matrix joke up there wasn't for naught; maybe Bella is Neo is The One, you know? But this epiphany for Bella is troubling if she's supposed to be a stand-in for her readers. Twilight presents a path to confidence and happiness that it also presents as literally unattainable. Sorry girls, you're shit out of luck!
If by chance there are any girls like that (girls who haven't removed themselves enough from Twilight to avoid being emotionally impacted by it) reading this, I don't actually believe the above. Being a teenager sucks, I know, but stick with it because being an adult is pretty awesome. You don't need a vampire boyfriend or paranormal strength to be happy. One girl's “being a vampire” is another girl's “being a really good blogger,” you know?
(My love for HBP might also be because I read the first six books in streak, mostly on the roof of my apartment building in Philadelphia, in 2007. The seventh book wasn't out, so I think I slowed down and took my time when I got to HBP. I've only read the Harry Potter books through once, and yet I've gone over Twilight in detail. Isn't that awful? If God is a YA fan I'm going to hell. Or if God has Tumblr, I guess.)
Chapter 26: Shiny
Late in the day, Charlie is finally leaving Chez Cullen. He's due for dinner with Billy and Sue Clearwater on the Rez. Whoa, what the hell is going on with THAT situation? At the end of Eclipse, we got a minor indication that Billy Black was preparing himself to tap the ass of Harry's widow, but now Charlie's up in that business too. Huh. I knew they were friends, but I didn't know they were like, threesome-level friends. (Sue Clearwater is literally the only single woman we have ever even HEARD OF in this book, so can you blame them?)
Bella lets us know that the rest of the visit went fine, that Charlie had watched the game and that most of Emmett's double (and then single) entendres had sailed over his head. “He was totally oblivious to Emmett's suggestive jokes that got more pointed and less football-related with each aside,” is how she puts it.
“Just shove the ball up the middle, am I right Bella?”-Emmett Cullen
“Did you see how hard he hit that, Bella?”-Emmett Cullen
“I know girls like it when the linebacker and the front end swap positions.”-Emmett Cullen
“He just spit! But really, he should swallow, that's just polite.”-Emmett Cullen
“I wonder how old those balls are.”-Emmett Cullen
“The problem with this play is: not enough clitoral stimulation.”-Emmett Cullen
Before he goes, Charlie feels out the possibility that the Cullens will be bailing sometime soon. Bella doesn't paint him a rosy picture—“I can't promise we'll never leave, Dad,” she tells him. But she comforts him, as he holds Renesmee, with the fact that her middle name is (as previously noted by y'all in the comments) Carlie. As in Carlisle plus Charlie. RENESMEE CARLIE. In the margin I wrote: “UGH BELLA YOU DUMB BITCH.” And I really don't anything more to add to my original assessment. But why haven't we heard this before? Did she just decide on it right now?
“Can we, uh, maybe discuss this?”-Edward Cullen
And then he takes one last look around the room; Bella describes the scene for us. Alice is lounging at the foot of the staircase with Jasper's head in her lap (hey now!), Carlisle is reading, Esme is sketching. Edward's at the piano, and Rose and Emmett are building a “monumental house of cards.” SYMBOLIC.
There was no evidence that the day was coming to a close, that it might be time to eat or shift activities in preparation for the evening. Something intangible had changed in the atmosphere. The Cullens weren't trying as hard as they usually did—the human charade had slipped ever so slightly, enough for Charlie to feel the difference.
We hear so often about how sexy the Cullens are that we forget (and Bella forgets) that they are also kind of spooky! As Charlie pulls out of the driveway, Edward congratulates Bella on her control. Emmett sneers that she's not even a vampire, she's “too tame.” Amen, Emmett! All this time I've assumed Alice was me, but am I Emmett? (That's kind of a tongue twister: Am I Emmett? Am I Emmett? Am I Emmett?)
Bella snarls at the implication that she is tame. But you are, girl! Just because you've had sex three times, it doesn't make you Alice all of a sudden! But anyway, Edward reminds her that she made a promise to him about something she would do when she was immortal. (The word “immortal” always sounds ridiculous to me—video gamey, I guess. Am I Immortal, Emmett? Am I Immortal, Emmett? Now it kinda sounds like it should be a palindrome.) That promise, as I recall, was to kick the shit out of Emmett.
After a moment, I remembered and I gasped, “Oh!”
Alice trilled a long, pealing laugh.
So Bella challenges Emmett to an arm wrestling match on the dining room table. No joke: this event is the centerpiece of this chapter.
“Er, Bella,” Alice said quickly. “I think Esme is rather fond of that table. It's an antique.”
“Thanks,” Esme mouthed at her.
(“I found out when Jasper and I tried to fuck on it.”-Alice Cullen) They instead head for the backyard, where a large granite boulder sits near the river. (“Er, Bella, Jasper and I are rather fond of that boulder...”-Alice Cullen) Bella gets nervous as she watches the “thick muscles in Emmett's arm roll” after he's positioned himself. Um, I though vampires were basically made of stone? Their muscles still roll? The bet they make is that if Bella wins the match, Emmett has to stop making sex jokes. Of course that would be all Bella asks for (“I want to end the sexy talk in this book as quickly as I can”-Bella Cullen). Bella wouldn't like this blog very much, eh? Own your sexuality, woman! Just fuck Edward right in front of him, THAT will shut him up! Emmett says if he wins, the teasing will get a lot worse. Good for you, buddy. But you're totally going to lose. Bella feels Emmett shove against her with all his strength (you're welcome), but he doesn't budge her. She thrills at the insane strength she has in a single arm.
His hand shoved against mine with crushing force, but it wasn't unpleasant. It felt kind of good in a weird way.
Well okay then! After a few seconds, she slams Emmett's arm down, breaking a chunk off the boulder when she does. While he stomps away angrily, Bella puts her hand against the rock and digs her fingers into it, coming away with a handful of gravel. “Cool,” she says; this is Bella's “Keanu Whoa” moment. She spins and karate chops the boulder in half, then starts systematically and joyfully pounding it into dust. Bella ignores the laughter behind her until RNSM joins in with a giggle. When she turns everybody is staring at RNSM like “she can laugh, too?”
Then the sun “bursts through the clouds” and Bella sees Edward in the sunlight, as a vampire, for the first time. How many different times can she see him for the first time? This is the fourth! (Also annoying: early in the chapter, Bella makes passing reference to the fact that it looks like they might get a little sun right before it sets. And then this happens. So, Bella accurately predicted the weather, OK. It bothers me that this is S. Meyer's idea of good writing—dropping a vague hint apropos of nothing a few paragraphs before X event in order to make it seem more earned.)
And then Bella has the soliloquy I alluded to last time, in which she talks about what an “average” girl she once was, and how she'd saddled up after “eight years of mediocrity” to the soft bigotry of low expectations. But then she found out what she did best, and along with it came true happiness.
Cool story, right? Except what Bella is good at is being a vampire. Maybe she'll be the best vampire EVER, and that could have some interesting implications for the rest of this book. Maybe that throwaway Matrix joke up there wasn't for naught; maybe Bella is Neo is The One, you know? But this epiphany for Bella is troubling if she's supposed to be a stand-in for her readers. Twilight presents a path to confidence and happiness that it also presents as literally unattainable. Sorry girls, you're shit out of luck!
If by chance there are any girls like that (girls who haven't removed themselves enough from Twilight to avoid being emotionally impacted by it) reading this, I don't actually believe the above. Being a teenager sucks, I know, but stick with it because being an adult is pretty awesome. You don't need a vampire boyfriend or paranormal strength to be happy. One girl's “being a vampire” is another girl's “being a really good blogger,” you know?
3 comments:
I wish I would've seen that last paragraph a few years ago when I first read the series... it would've saved thriteen-year-old me some heartache.
God does have Tumblr… But I don’t follow him ‘cause he only posts crap.
In S. Meyer’s defense, most great books (so it really shouldn’t apply to this series, but that’s just my opinion) and movies and whatnot have a heartbreaking effect of presenting you with that unattainable happiness. They’re not realistic, and that’s the whole point, the escapism. I’ve wanted to be all sorts of shit as a kid, a vampire, a pirate, spider-man… and it was always kind of depressing to know that you can never experience those great adventures you read about or see in movies, in person. I’m eighteen and still bummed about not getting to serve on the Enterprise. But my point is, writers are not obliged to set realistic standards, not even in YA. We can’t force everyone to be role models.
I'd agree with that last comment, but amend it to say most good fantasy/sci fi novels. There is some great realistic fiction that has nothing to do with unattainable experiences. That said, there are so many troubling messages in this book that adding that on top of the is what makes it seem so harmful.
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