Guys, I hate to break it to you, but Alice has bailed on us. I can't say I blame her, I mean, I've wanted to give up on this book plenty of times too. In this chapter, we learn that she wasn't just ducking out to avoid Jacob for a few minutes—she was ducking out to avoid whatever is coming the Cullens' way. It's a bizarre, intriguing move, and it works. Bella later notes that Alice and Jasper were the only Cullens not born into this enterprise, so it sort of figures that sooner or later they'd bail. I just wish they'd taken me with them!Previously: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Irina?
Chapter 29: Defection
“We sat there all night long, statues of horror and grief,” Bella says, “and Alice never came back.” Well, you're all standing around, statues of horror and grief! You think that's fun to be around? Way to harsh a girl's mellow! Also, apparently Edward and Bella have been staring into each other's eyes all night, unable to look away, which—I'm sorry—is fucking creepy as shit, you guys are gross. I MISS ALICE AND JASPER SO MUCH ALREADY. Fuck. Anyway, Edward starts to worry that maybe the Volturi did a preemptive strike against Alice and she's lying dead somewhere. Bella thinks of Aro, “who had seen into all the corners of Alice's mind, who knew everything she was capable of.” Hot. Anyway, they freak themselves out talking about it and go in search of her. The trail leads them to Quileute land; Sam Uley pops out of nowhere and tells them that Alice came to them late last night and asked permission to cross into the ocean. Sam escorted them there himself, where they dove in and did not return. (“Alice insisted on swimming in the nude and that I keep her underwear.”-Sam Uley) Damn! Sam gives Carlisle a note she left.
“Alice has decided to leave us,” Carlisle whispered.
“What?” Rosalie cried.
“WHAT?” Zac cried. It's notable that Alice is the one with the agency in the relationship with Jasper, right? SHE decided they were leaving, you know? She is the recognized leader of that couple in every line, in fact, Jasper is usually not even mentioned. A thing like that, huh? Everything about this plot development is cool and complex and interesting, and I would totally love everything about it except Alice is gone! S. Meyer giveth and she taketh away! Alice's note lists the vampires the Cullens should contact, and at the end: “We're so sorry that we have to leave you this way, with no goodbyes or explanations. It's the only way for us. We love you.”
In New Moon, Alice prevents Jasper from coming to Volterra in a move that Bella sees as both selfish and totally understandable. In another nice carryover, it makes a certain amount of sense that when faced with certain destruction, more so than ever before anyway, Alice's patience and courage would finally be weighed and found wanting. I knew I hitched my wagon to the right character.
We like complex people in our novels because we, ourselves, are complex. We have flaws and contradictions and issues, and we identify with characters who suffer like we do and resent the ones who don't. Recently Marc Malkin of E Online complained that Ashley Greene was rude to him at a gala; I found myself hoping, for some reason, that Ashley Greene really was a super bitch in real life. I'm still puzzling through why.
zacharylittle: I have no idea how to feel about Ashley Greene supposedly being mean to Marc Malkin. Good, right? I don't want her to have a reputation for being a bitch, but part of me really hopes that she is like, a huge bitch. Weird, right?
alicewalkington: I don't know about this! Google and Twitter is being surprisingly circumspect. I'd be OK with her being a bitch. That's interesting
zacharylittle: A celeb is an abstract thing. More for me on the Least Coast (my new band name) than you. But I guess it'd just make her more interesting? Like, Kira once said she doesn't watch Mad Men b/c the characters aren't likable. & that is sort of why I like it? I want AG to be Pete Campbell!
alicewalkington: Nah I like celebs that aren't particularly nice, but are interesting. AG is aggressively uninteresting to me, sort of like Pete actually. Which in turn, makes her sort of interesting. She's a weirdo.
zacharylittle: I've recently decided that my theory about her vague education isn't performance art or a joke so much as it is she's trying to obscure that she's a dropout. So she's not as weird as I once thought she was. But I want her to be deeply weird. Like, disturbed. Which is selfish but there you are.
alicewalkington: I don't know about this! Google and Twitter is being surprisingly circumspect. I'd be OK with her being a bitch. That's interesting
zacharylittle: A celeb is an abstract thing. More for me on the Least Coast (my new band name) than you. But I guess it'd just make her more interesting? Like, Kira once said she doesn't watch Mad Men b/c the characters aren't likable. & that is sort of why I like it? I want AG to be Pete Campbell!
alicewalkington: Nah I like celebs that aren't particularly nice, but are interesting. AG is aggressively uninteresting to me, sort of like Pete actually. Which in turn, makes her sort of interesting. She's a weirdo.
zacharylittle: I've recently decided that my theory about her vague education isn't performance art or a joke so much as it is she's trying to obscure that she's a dropout. So she's not as weird as I once thought she was. But I want her to be deeply weird. Like, disturbed. Which is selfish but there you are.
When I read about these characters or see these people I'm not necessarily looking for a real-life friend, I'm just looking to be entertained, you know? (Although I do think Alice and I could be best friends.) There's a way to take this thesis and use it to explain why people liked Charlie Sheen on TV interviews and hated him when he took his shtick on the road, but screw it. The point is, what with the relentless perfection and easy boredom of this book, Alice's act of cowardice is kind of thrilling! I mean, I'm sure something will happen to bring Alice and Jasper back into the fold before we're through, but let's at least pretend for a moment they're NOT coming back, just so we can FEEL SOMETHING. Alice leaving is our Fight Club.
Sam Uley is appalled that Alice would run, and Edward takes understandable umbrage at the “censure in his tone.” Like, nobody picks on my little sister but me, you know? Edward tells Sam that they should save themselves, and Sam says because Jacob will not abandon RNSM, they will not abandon him.
His eyes flickered to Alice's note, and his lips pressed into a thin line.
“You don't know her,” Edward said.
“Do you?” Sam asked bluntly.
Again: whoa! Cool! Finally we have a situation with emotions more complicated than “I love you” and “I don't want to hurt you.” When Sam says he shouldn't have let them pass, Carlisle tells him he did the right thing, and that he wants Alice to do what she will. Meanwhile, Esme cries “tearless sobs” while Bella contemplates just how fucked they must really be.
On the way home everyone detects Alice's scent leading back to Bella and Edward's love shack but concludes it was from earlier, Alice was just leaving Bella her sex toy collection or something. Still, Bella wants to follow it, and Edward tags along. Thing is, Alice's note was written on a page torn out of a copy of The Merchant of Venice Bella recognized as her own, and Bella starts to wonder if there is supposed to be some signal to her in that action. As I recall, there were no lesbian lovers in The Merchant of Venice, so that's out. Shit. (I actually saw a production of Merchant in New Hampshire in which every mention of Shylock being Jewish was played for laughs. The actor would over emphasize it and grin, practically jabbing the audience in the ribs: “I'm a JEWWW!” And people laughed! New Hampshire sucks. We left at intermission.)
Anyway, Bella tells Edward to wait at the door while she goes inside the cottage, and he weirdly obeys her (this is a rough chapter for the patriarchy). Alice left a fire burning in the hearth and a note on the inside cover of the book: a name and address in Seattle and an order to burn the message after reading. Badass! At least Alice left us with some cool spy shit to do, huh? Anyway, Edward comes in when Bella is burning the book, and she passes it off as a “I'm pissed at Alice and her scent was on this book” gesture. Edward's like “yeah, women be dramatic.”
Back at the house, the Cullens are all packed up to hit the road in search of other vampires, and Jacob has RNSM on his lap. The good news is, they're not leaving her alone with him, but the bad news is, we're not going to hear about any wild adventures in search of vampires, because Edward and Bella are staying behind. Okay, so this whole new plot development is kind of dumb, right? We're going to introduce a whole bunch of new characters and then have a showdown with the Volturi. Presumably we're meeting new characters so S. Meyer can kill them off, yes? And all of this is happening at the very end of the book. I comforted myself with the fact that hey, at least we'd be getting some cool new set pieces: Edward and Bella meeting new vampires in the jungle! In the tundra! Wherever! But instead, Edward and Bella are going to receive their guests for who knows how long as the rest of the Cullens send them their way. Why didn't S. Meyer's copy of Word underline all that, like “passive voice, consider revising”?
Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Rosalie all leave then, and we're down to three monsters (three of our worst characters!) and a baby. Then something pretty weird happens: the Cullens have a computer. What? Bella starts thinking about the name on the page (J. Jenks) and wishes she had could be “alone with the computer for a few seconds.” Hot. Instead, she takes advantage of an argument between Edward and Jacob and drifts to the back of the room, very quickly tapping out a web search and drumming on the table with her fingers (it doesn't mention that she navigates away from whatever lesbian porn site Alice and Emmett have agreed upon for the browser's home page but she must). She finds a fancy Seattle lawyer named Jason Jenks, but the listed address is wrong. Huh. “One more brush, to delete the history...” Bella says. Fuck, where'd she learn how to do that? Bella's been doing some late-night web browsing she hasn't been telling us about! JK, Bella is totally the kind of girl who nervously Googled “sex” when she was 13 and then freaked out as soon as she saw the hint of a penis and then basically destroyed her hard drive in a fit of paranoia. Do you think Bella and Edward have had oral sex yet? This is a serious question.
Sam Uley is appalled that Alice would run, and Edward takes understandable umbrage at the “censure in his tone.” Like, nobody picks on my little sister but me, you know? Edward tells Sam that they should save themselves, and Sam says because Jacob will not abandon RNSM, they will not abandon him.
His eyes flickered to Alice's note, and his lips pressed into a thin line.
“You don't know her,” Edward said.
“Do you?” Sam asked bluntly.
Again: whoa! Cool! Finally we have a situation with emotions more complicated than “I love you” and “I don't want to hurt you.” When Sam says he shouldn't have let them pass, Carlisle tells him he did the right thing, and that he wants Alice to do what she will. Meanwhile, Esme cries “tearless sobs” while Bella contemplates just how fucked they must really be.
On the way home everyone detects Alice's scent leading back to Bella and Edward's love shack but concludes it was from earlier, Alice was just leaving Bella her sex toy collection or something. Still, Bella wants to follow it, and Edward tags along. Thing is, Alice's note was written on a page torn out of a copy of The Merchant of Venice Bella recognized as her own, and Bella starts to wonder if there is supposed to be some signal to her in that action. As I recall, there were no lesbian lovers in The Merchant of Venice, so that's out. Shit. (I actually saw a production of Merchant in New Hampshire in which every mention of Shylock being Jewish was played for laughs. The actor would over emphasize it and grin, practically jabbing the audience in the ribs: “I'm a JEWWW!” And people laughed! New Hampshire sucks. We left at intermission.)
Anyway, Bella tells Edward to wait at the door while she goes inside the cottage, and he weirdly obeys her (this is a rough chapter for the patriarchy). Alice left a fire burning in the hearth and a note on the inside cover of the book: a name and address in Seattle and an order to burn the message after reading. Badass! At least Alice left us with some cool spy shit to do, huh? Anyway, Edward comes in when Bella is burning the book, and she passes it off as a “I'm pissed at Alice and her scent was on this book” gesture. Edward's like “yeah, women be dramatic.”
Back at the house, the Cullens are all packed up to hit the road in search of other vampires, and Jacob has RNSM on his lap. The good news is, they're not leaving her alone with him, but the bad news is, we're not going to hear about any wild adventures in search of vampires, because Edward and Bella are staying behind. Okay, so this whole new plot development is kind of dumb, right? We're going to introduce a whole bunch of new characters and then have a showdown with the Volturi. Presumably we're meeting new characters so S. Meyer can kill them off, yes? And all of this is happening at the very end of the book. I comforted myself with the fact that hey, at least we'd be getting some cool new set pieces: Edward and Bella meeting new vampires in the jungle! In the tundra! Wherever! But instead, Edward and Bella are going to receive their guests for who knows how long as the rest of the Cullens send them their way. Why didn't S. Meyer's copy of Word underline all that, like “passive voice, consider revising”?
Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Rosalie all leave then, and we're down to three monsters (three of our worst characters!) and a baby. Then something pretty weird happens: the Cullens have a computer. What? Bella starts thinking about the name on the page (J. Jenks) and wishes she had could be “alone with the computer for a few seconds.” Hot. Instead, she takes advantage of an argument between Edward and Jacob and drifts to the back of the room, very quickly tapping out a web search and drumming on the table with her fingers (it doesn't mention that she navigates away from whatever lesbian porn site Alice and Emmett have agreed upon for the browser's home page but she must). She finds a fancy Seattle lawyer named Jason Jenks, but the listed address is wrong. Huh. “One more brush, to delete the history...” Bella says. Fuck, where'd she learn how to do that? Bella's been doing some late-night web browsing she hasn't been telling us about! JK, Bella is totally the kind of girl who nervously Googled “sex” when she was 13 and then freaked out as soon as she saw the hint of a penis and then basically destroyed her hard drive in a fit of paranoia. Do you think Bella and Edward have had oral sex yet? This is a serious question.
2 comments:
To answer your last question, no. They seem like the missionary-position only kind of couple. Well, Edward does anyway. Bella seems like she could have some fun given the chance and someone who wasn't such a prude. Maybe she can convince Edward to branch out in a couple of decades.
I was simultaneously heart-broken and thrilled with Alice's departure. For Meyer, that is a pretty bold move.
Ah, Steffie, once again you show a significant lack of subtlety. Merchant of Venice? Really? Do you base absolutely EVERYthing off of works of literature that are actually good? Oh god, how painfully obvious, it's like Stephylococcus herself got sick of planning for those annoying plot points that get in the way of Bella's ~perfect~ life.
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