Movies Are Hard: Titanic II

If there's one thing we've learned from watching the Twilight movies, it's that making a movie is difficult. Clearly, some people are not up to the task! And I think failure is often more instructive than victory. That is is why I started writing about Twilight and why now, from time to time, I will be watching and reviewing terrible movies. Today: Titanic II. Oh man.

Yes, that is a real movie title. In high school, my friend Jory and I wrote an outline for a movie we called 2 Pearl 2 Harbor. In it, a new aircraft carrier dubbed the USS Pearl Harbor is attacked by the Japanese, who turn out to be in league with North Korea, who turn out to be in league with Osama Bin Laden, who turns out to be in league with Saddam Hussein. It was basically the plot of the first scene of The Naked Gun, only on a boat. Of course, we wrote this as a joke, we never intended for it to be real, and even if we had made something approaching it, our video would have been deliberately ridiculous.

Were it that Titanic II were deliberately ridiculous. Then, it might be sort of great! The idea that someone would build a new Titanic, bring it out to sea, and crash it into another iceberg is an absurd premise. Right? Except amazingly, shockingly, Titanic II is basically a straight-forward (and abysmal) action flick. Other than the title, there isn't even a touch of the camp or fun found in say, Piranha 3-D. This is just a straight-up humorless Rolland Emmerich knock-off. And boy, is it a knock-off!

Here's the plot. Amy is a nurse who is about to board the Titanic II, which is her new job. Good job, Amy! She's waiting for her father (Senator Mutant-Hater From X-Men) to show up and bid her godspeed, but he doesn't because he is a Coast Guard captain who gets called to a glacier that's falling apart. Of course, he doesn't call his daughter to cancel until he is already in a helicopter en route to the glacier. Father of the year over here. "No honey, I can't make it in time, I'm actually 800 miles away right now."

Titanic II is owned by Amy's ex-boyfriend, Hayden. No, that's not Donna Moss on his arm, but for a second I was like WHAT.

We later learn that actually this was his father's project, but his father died, and Hayden was forced into the family fate-tempting business. Hayden is kind of a jerk, and you feel like you can see a narrative emerging where he'll see Amy and become a good guy again. That sort of happens, except for the part where it is clear that he changed. He's just sort of a jerk and then sort of nice. There's no transition.

Anyway, Dad gets to the glacier and meets Dr. Jessica Biel, who is like, "Guess what? This glacier is going to break even worse and create a huge tsunami." And then, uh, that happens immediately. RUN! Good work, lady! Maybe if you didn't spend so much time over-explaining the stakes, we wouldn't be in this mess!

I really admire the way this movie piles on the problems: First there's a big wave, which sends an iceberg careening into the Titanic II at 800 miles an hour.

How did those dudes afford Titanic tickets? So yeah, the ship doesn't hit the iceberg, the iceberg hits the ship! I know, so innovative!

But then as everybody gets into lifeboats, we hear that there's another, bigger wave coming, which will kill all of the life boats, and that actually the safe place to be now is on the boat (where Amy still is). I mean, it's still sinking, but WHATEVER.

All that shit happens, all of the life boat people die, but not before the ship also randomly explodes a little bit! HEY!

Meanwhile Dad is speeding to the ship in a helicopter (that is running out of fuel. But Dad won't let the pilot refuel. And later after Dad leaves, the helicopter crashes and the pilot dies! Thanks, Dad)!

Again, I mean, to hear me tell it this sounds too outlandish to be taken seriously. But I'm pretty sure this movie sort of expects to be taken seriously? Everyone acts very seriously and studiously with their very bad-at-acting faces. The dialog is crappy, but not crappy enough to be on purpose. If this is a joke, it's a badly-planned one with a poorly-articulated punchline. In the comedy business we call that a "Joaquin Phoenix."

There's basically no action, and very bad CGI throughout. When you can even see the CGI, anyway--the last half of the movie is so dark you can't really make anything out. There isn't even any sex or nudity, and I was so sure there would be.

Instead those girls just disappear; most of the characters do! In the end, Hayden and Amy get trapped in a room below deck, and Hayden gives Amy a scuba suit to save her from the cold water. She's like, "You don't deserve to die!" And I was like, you're right Amy! But then I remembered the guy who plays Hayden also wrote and directed this movie. With that in mind, this part was very cathartic:

Dad scubas in while Amy scubas out, and they meet and drag Hayden's body back to a life raft. Amy starts frantically pumping at Hayden's chest, trying to get him to breathe. There's a big swell of music as Amy works and pleads and then...he stays dead. Ha! That's how it ends!

I could go on, but why? This movie was terrible, and I kind of wish that I'd used my laundry-folding and dish-washing time for watching Summer's Moon a second time instead. But anyway, it's on Netflix Instant if you are so inclined, but please resist the temptation (as these filmmakers and, you know, the makers of the actual Titanic probably should have).