WRITING BREAKING DAWN: Moonlight Sex Nada

[I might be the only one who didn't know about it, but if you haven't read this already, go do it it's amazing]

1971, TORONTO

Edward Cullen closed his eyes and let the melody carry him away. His fingers cascaded over the keys. It was automatic now, muscle memory. He grinned, despite himself, as he listened to the music. The old pros sure knew how to write a sonata.
A loud cracking sound, like a whip, snapped him out of his reverie. Did he break another string? These upright pianos were so sensitive. He wished there was room in his family's condo for something a little more grand. He chuckled at his little joke as he tested each key. Another cracking sound.
“I'LL NEVER RUN AWAY AGAIN, MASTER!”
“YOU BEST NOT LITTLE LADY!”
“I'LL BE A GOOD SLAVE, I PROMISE”
Another crack. Edward groaned and let his head fall onto the keys. He'd asked Jasper earlier that evening to please keep it down. Alice had replied “that's what she said,” so he'd assumed Rose or Esme was on his side too. But maybe they'd forgotten.
“WHAT CAN I DO TO EARN YOUR FORGIVENESS, SIR?”
“I THINK YOU KNOW, MISS.”
“COULD YOU TWO PLEASE BE QUIETER?” Edward called, head still on the piano keys.
Silence then, and a door opening. Alice sat down gingerly next to him on the piano bench. She'd had the decency to put a robe on this time, though it was shorter than Edward thought it ought to be. She started to gently massage his shoulders.
“You know Edward, I don't know how much you know about American history,” Alice said in a low voice, “but there weren't a lot of uptight vampires shouting about noise levels in antebellum Missouri. Fucking with our roleplay is a real bonerkiller, you know.”
“It's so distracting, Alice. Not to mention sinful.”
“Hey, we got hitched, didn't we? We did that for your sake. Now everything we do in there is holy.”
“A Vegas chapel while high on amphetamines is hardly what I had in mind for a wedding. Plus it doesn't excuse what you did before you were married.”
“I went to confession!” Alice giggled. “I aired my dirty laundry before God.”
“And that turned out just fine and dandy, didn't it?” Edward said sarcastically.
“That priest had a prior heart condition. But this isn't about us Edward. This is about you. You should be doing what we're doing. Well, not exactly what we're doing until you've had some practice, but you get it.”
“I just haven't found the right girl.”
“Maybe you should be looking for a boy,” Alice suggested tentatively.
“Not you, too.”
“Keep an open mind.”
“Open minds are the devil's playground.”
“That's not the expression, Edward.” Alice fiddled with the keys at her end of the piano, a brief, playful melody. “You know, your predicament reminds me of an episode of a situation comedy I was watching the other day while Jasper was...well, never mind that. A boy wanted money to buy a new RC car. So he set up a lemonade stand and borrowed money from his father. But he couldn't recoup the costs! And we all learned a valuable lesson about capitalism.” Alice laughed softly to herself and sighed.
“What does that have to do with me?” Edward said, annoyed.
“What does what have to do with what?” Alice asked. She stared blankly at him for a few moments.
“Alice, are you drunk?”
“It's possible,” she said. She made a jerking off hand gesture for some reason.