The Predictive Ashley Greene Profile

I read Esquire fairly often. I'm a fan of the magazine, even though some of it (most of it) is patently ridiculous. I mean, they've got a crack staff of writers, no shortage of story ideas, and their annual "What I've Learned" issue has a must-read collection of interviews. But they also fawn over $8,000 sweaters that Every Man Must Own, they've got a huge, latent gay crush on James Franco, and the real problems start when they talk about women. Esquire insists that it isn't sexist but goes about proving it in a terrible way: by acting like they are the only men who have realized women are worthy of any sort of nonsexual consideration. Every profile reads like "Holy shit, [X female celebrity] isn't just a vapid walking vagina!" And then they act like they deserve a medal for inviting Megan Fox over and talking to her about horses instead of titty-fucking her. That women are smart and interesting is a monthly revelation at Esquire, and that is often worse than, you know, the Maxim method of just putting Ashley Greene on a couch and pulling her pants off and writing a 50-word blurb about Twilight's release date. You can write about how much a girl likes brisket and how she reads Faulkner, sure, but if you're clearly doing it to make a point about how you awesome you are for not just writing "Her tits are nice," well, you should just write "Her tits are nice"! Stop beating around the (lack of a) bush!

But anyway Ashley Greene is going to be on the cover of Esquire soon, and thanks to 247Greene we have a few shots from John Russo's shoot. Her tits look nice.

After the jump, I've got a working formula for Esquire's female-centered profiles and a guess at what we might be reading in a month or two.

HOW TO WRITE AN ESQUIRE PROFILE OF AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, BY ZAC LITTLE

1. ALWAYS STARTS IN-MEDIA-RES

She opens her mouth a little too wide when she talks. Catches herself. Ashley Greene is excitable, but her father would want her to play it cool. She talks about him a lot. A good man. Works in Florida, raised his family right. He's the one who taught her to play mini-golf. She smiles that big smile, too big for her small face. She's a Jacksonville girl, a daddy's girl, and proud. "This is a tricky shot," she observes nervously.

2. FOCUS WAY TOO MUCH ON A SINGLE GESTURE

Her grip on the mini-golf club is relaxed, confident. Sort of like how she maneuvers her career. She's auditioning a lot these days, unmoored from the Twilight juggernaut for the first time in her adult life. She doesn't seem worried at all.

3. ACT LIKE A SORT OF DUMB COMMENT IS REALLY SMART

She has big ideas. "I'd like to do like, a gritty romantic comedy," she says. "I've been working on my comedy chops, I idolize Kristen Wiig, but I also feel like mumblecore would be an interesting format for me." Hollywood should fear a woman with a plan, but usually they let her walk all over them. Good.

4. DESCRIBE HER OUTFIT/BODY BEFORE READERS GET BORED

She's in short shorts--too short, so short--and her legs are causing many a golfer to slow down on the way to the windmill at hole 18.

5. VEER AWAY FROM SOUNDING LIKE YOU'RE LEERING

But I keep thinking about something she said at lunch earlier.

6. DESCRIBE WHAT KIND OF FOOD HOT GIRLS EAT, IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING GUYS EAT

She ordered her burger medium rare. "Do you want bacon?" the waiter asked, more like stuttered, more like choked out.

"Yes," she said with a grin. "I love bacon." She made a meal out of the very word, and twisted her hands together with a kind of anticipatory pleasure.

7. PRETEND YOU SAW SOME WEAKNESS IN HER PERSONA THAT REVEALED HER HUMANITY

"I used to come here a lot when..." she starts to say. Then she stops herself. An ex-boyfriend? A long-lost BFF? Painful memories flash across her eyes. And then she's back to normal, smiling that big, too-big smile at me. "What did you order? I wasn't paying attention."

8. WAS SHE A TOMBOY IN HIGH SCHOOL/IS SHE BISEXUAL NOW/IS SHE UNEXPECTEDLY (BUT STILL SEXILY) MASCULINE IN SOME OTHER WAY?

In Jacksonville, she was a "tomboy," competing with her brother for sports trophies instead of with other girls for beauty titles. Now she's a venerable style icon, photographed by paparazzi everywhere she goes. Even when she's leaving the gym drenched in sweat.

"Ugh," she says of it. "All I'm thinking about is how gross I am, how much I need to shower, and they just keep saying 'You're so beautiful Ashley, you're so beautiful." She makes a jerking off hand gesture.

9. WRAP IT UP, WE NEED THESE COLUMN INCHES TO TALK ABOUT THAT NEW SWEATER

Back on the course, Ashley sinks the putt. She knew it was going to happen all along. She winks at me and for a second, the whole blasted world stops for her. She scoops the bright-pink ball out and heads for the windmill. Ready for whatever's next.