Friday, November 25, 2011

ASK NICK SULLIVAN: Letters To Esquire's Fashion Director, Answered by Zac Little

I am getting ready to jump into the business world. What is your opinion on wearing a three-piece suit to a job interview? If not, can I wear a three-piece suit without the vest?

CJ Zeilenga, Columbia MO

As it happens, I am also joining the business world, and in most of my job interviews what I did was I wore a zoot suit with a fedora and spoke in the cadences of a 1930's gangster. IT WAS SO FUN! Nobody called me back though, except for that improv troupe. But I only interviewed with them for practice.

There's something to be said for dressing formally so as to convey how seriously you're taking the prospect of employment, but there's also something to be said for not looking like a fucking goober. And on the serious/goober continuum, I'm not really sure where you're at. To be honest, it really depends on what you look like. Would you say you're closer to Jon Hamm or Christopher Mintz-Plasse? James Caan or Ed Begley Jr.? Hamm/Caan-types can pull off almost anything. Three-piece? Sure! Eight-piece? Even better! Those on the Mintz-Plasse/Begley Jr. end of the matrix have to be a little more restrained so as not to look like either a boy playing dress up in his father's closet or a crazy guy who blew his scratch ticket earnings at the Salvation Army. Or both! Plain dress shirts and unadventurous blazers are the way to go. Hamm/Begley Jrs are wildcards, but usually look best in a sweatervest for some reason. Caan/Mintz-Plasses have never been spotted in the wild, but many experts contest that they do exist. But only in Iceland.

Will someone design a Hamm/Caan/Mintz-Plasse/Begley Jr. style matrix for me? I feel like there's money in that banana stand, so to speak.

I will be visiting Thailand soon, and I plan to get a few custom shirts while I'm there. I have never ordered a custom shirt before. Any advice you can give me?

Steven Ford, San Diego CA

I think I see what's happening here. So you want to order a "custom shirt," but you're worried about doing it for the first time in a foreign culture. Well, the good news, Steven Ford of San Diego California, is that "custom shirts" work the same way in Thailand that they do over here. Handjobs are the cheapest, blowjobs run the price gamut depending on quality/mouth condition, and some "custom shirts" won't even do anything else. But that's probably a good thing. When the customs agent asks if you have anything to declare, you don't want to have to tell him about the herpes. Don't think that counts? Re-read the latest Foreign Aid bill, asshole.

And sure, if you accidentally harm or murder your custom shirt, you'll probably hear from the tailor. But with those California good looks and those American Dollars you'll be on your way in no time. Have fun with those prostitutes, Steven Ford of San Diego!

How much wear should show on the heels of shoes before they might be accused of being "down-at-the-heels"?

George Crews, Mary Esther FL

Oh dearest heavens! A gentleman such as yourself surely shant ever be accused of being "down at the heel"! I doff my monocle at the very thought! Shant! A pox on the house of a knave who'd ever speak forth with such a vulgar utterance! As for the care of one's shoes, surely you have servant boys to do your walking for you?

Previously: "Disproportional Hand Disorder is no joke, and literally tens of people every year suffer from its weirdness."

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