NO CHURCH IN THE WILD: An Advice Column

There's this girl in my film class. We've quickly become friends and she is pretty cool. I'm actually starting to have a thing for her. The friend who introduced me to her thinks she might be interested in me. Thing is, she's 21, three years older than I am, and I'm not sure if I believe him. How would I know if she really does have a thing for me and how should I go about becoming more than friends?

Look for body language cues! If when she talks to you, she orients her legs toward you, that means she wants to show you her vagina. If you cross your arms and she unconsciously imitates the gesture, it means she wants you to bite her nipples. Body language doesn't lie! This stuff is 100% scientifically proven (see Shakira's article in the March 2006 edition of the American Science Journal).

An older woman! That's the way to be, my friend. She'll buy you booze and instruct you in the ways of boozy sex. She'll teach you more mature pop-culture references, like what the show Friends was about and who Michael Rapaport is. You'll be the envy of your friends and maybe also your dad.

But how do you move from "talkative classmates" to "fuckative ass-mates"? I think the film angle is a good one to take. Girls in film class like to go to the movies! Except the ones who are just doing it for an easy English credit, but I sense that your lady is not one of those bitches. Is there an art-house place near you? Pick a critically successful movie with non-threatening male leads. Like, Michael Shannon is a phenomenal actor, but he's weird-looking enough that you're safe. And I hear great things about Take Shelter. Also there's Weekend, which is about gay dudes! No threat there! Invite her to the movies and then take her to a cafe or something afterwards to discuss. NOW: it is important that you don't use any class-terminology to discuss the movie, no matter how smart you want to sound. Don't let me hear you talk about fucking chiaroscuro, okay? Keep a lid on that shit. Talk about the movie like a person. And at the end of the night, say "we should do this again sometime." And then flash an easy grin. Chances are she'll yank her underwear off right there, but if not: lather, rinse, repeat.

So. There's this boy. We started hanging out a month and a half ago. A few weeks after we started hanging out he got my number from one of his friends and started texting me. It was kind of weird, since he had a girlfriend at the time. He's attractive, funny, and smart. What more can a girl ask for, right? Him to be single. Then he was. Less than 8 hours later he kissed me. Since then we've been on a date. He dated his ex for over a year, should I be concerned he "moved on" so quickly?

We're dealing with a classic opportunist here. You know the type. They come across a nice field and they play ball until a greener or skinnier or shaved field comes along, and then they move. I would proceed, since it seems like you like him, with the expectation that this thing is not a long-haul relationship. Maybe you can get some karmic justice for his jilted ex by Paying It Backward (which is like Paying It Forward only negative): date him and keep an eye out for someone better! Of course, Paying It in any direction is risky: your next beau could have the same doubts about you. Also, I mean, look what happened to Haley Joel Osment!

I'm a tallish girl with a nice face (a bit on the chubby side but oh well), and pretty big boobs (C or D cup I don't really know); I'm a senior in HS and taking all AP classes... and all the guys I've ever met are like the guys from Twilight- absolutely sexually defunct. Many times I've worn shirts where my boobs are practically falling out and yet they talk politely to me and their eyes NEVER stray down. Like, what the hell? WHAT DO I DO. HOW DO I GET ASKED OUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!?

The academic fast track has a curious way of desexualizing the youth of America. In high school I exclusively dated dumb girls for that very reason. But you're some kind of mutation: the AP student who isn't obsessively focused on her career. Bravo! You must not be Asian. JUST KIDDING, I know there are Asian girls with big boobs out there. What, did you think I was referring to the academic stereotypes about Asians? NOW WHO IS RACIST? Still me, right? ANYWAY.

You have to break out of these non-sexy circles. Are you involved in any after school groups? I did student government, and our meetings were crippled by sexual tension. We did less than the 112th Congress!

Of course, budget cuts have ended most after-school programs, and if your school is still springing for AP classes you guys are probably particularly hard-up. But no matter how much education budgets get slashed there will still be ONE reliable place to get fingerbanged after school: DETENTION. The next time one of those nerds won't give you the up and the down, slap him! Make sure your teacher sees. That afternoon you will meet a brand new group of boys, many of whom you've probably never seen before. At my school they were the ones who got shuffled off to the Agricultural Department after Freshman year. We studied the quadratic equation, they fixed cars (I am not even kidding. New Hampshire!) and like, plowed the football fields or something. And they also FUCKED. How do I know? Most of the girls were pregnant (it's hard to work on a chassis in the third trimester, I pity those girls). So obviously bring your own condoms to detention. They will not have any.

Failing that, the good thing about AP classes is that you'll be finished with your workload a month before graduation. When that weight lifts off of their shoulders, your male classmates will see you with new eyes. And when that happens you might want to invest in a few turtlenecks. Those nerdstares BURN!

NEED ADVICE? Get at me on Tumblr. Use the "anonymous" option, please. Previously: "Why are you doing all this DEEMING, man? Ease up on the deeming."