BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN, pt. 41: Finish Your Collapse And Stay For Breakfast

S. Meyer has always maintained that the idea for Twilight came to her in a dream, which is a line I have never really bought. Sure, it makes for a punchy soundbite in interviews, but you don't write a whole fantasy series based on one stupid dream you had. Or do you? Lately, the way we've been following Bella through meaningless, disconnected task after meaningless, disconnected task—and the way the cause of this vampire alliance has become increasingly vague with every new detail—has made me finally come around. Yes, this is like reading someone's boring dream; you constantly forget where you came from, and nowhere you're going makes any sense. But then it was like maybe my special power wasn't going to stop the bad people, and anyway I had to go and get the documents from the weird lawyer, and then we were in this field and it was snowing... And of course, the worst elements of the dreamer's subconscious always break in: my nightmares always involve home invasion and head trauma, S. Meyer's books are about child molestation and domestic violence. Go figure.

Anyway, maybe we'll revisit the “dream theory” of Twilight when we finish up—an end point that is rapidly approaching!

Chapter 35: Deadline

Bella's slipping out of the house one evening, and Edward tries to casually let her go. She can tell he is suspicious but also probably realizes his wife has a good reason to keep her thoughts from him. Or she's cheating on you, Edward. In the car, Bella watches the falling snow and tells us that they estimate the Volturi will arrive in two days. There are still almost a hundred pages left, though! God, please tell me we're going to get to this fight sooner rather than later. OR, oh man, what if the book ended right before the Volturi showed up? I might have to respect that, in a begrudging way.

Bella wonders why Alice made her go to J Jenks' shady office instead of his legit one in the first place—I guess this is in case we were wondering the same thing—and concludes that the sketchier surroundings were supposed to be a part of Bella's clue. “I'd had to go the route that made it clear I was up to no good.” It's like S. Meyer is asking us to pat her on the back.

“The weed is better in that neighborhood, that's the only reason I sent you there.”-Alice Cullen

She arrives at a restaurant and is taken to a private room. The maitre d' gasps when he helps Bella out of her coat and reveals her “oyster satin cocktail dress.” Is that a good or bad gasp? J Jenks shows up and mentions what a pleasure it is working with Bella over Jasper—that it's less “unsettling.” (He also indicates that he has worked with Jasper for many years and thus understands he doesn't age.) Oh no, is J Jenks black? Is that why confederate officer Jasper Whitlock treats him like garbage? I'm happy that Wendell Pierce is in Breaking Dawn, but if he's fucking J Jenks—if the only three black characters in the film series are the evil vampire, the guy who crashes his car into Bella and the criminal ID forger—well, then Wyck Godfrey is going to hell.

So here's where the J Jenks thing doesn't make any sense at all. Last time, when Bella met with him, he looked at the picture of Renesmee and told Bella her daughter looked at lot like her. Bella mentioned the father, and J Jenks rightly pointed out that Jacob, the man in the picture, was not him. Before that, he mistook Bella for Jasper's wife and she corrected him. This time, he begs Bella to stay for a moment and chat, and proceeds to say that over the years, he has “developed a very healthy level of respect for Mr. Jasper and the entire family.” Okay, well, it didn't really seem like last time he had ANY SENSE of the entire family AT ALL. And then this happens:

“If you could just assure me that you are not planning to kidnap the little girl from her father, I would sleep better tonight.”

What? Who does J Jenks think is the father? What? Either this sentence is supposed to mean that J Jenks, knowing the Cullens are a bunch of criminals, are now in the baby-stealing business, or it's supposed to be some kind of ironic final Edward/Jacob/Bella joke, wherein Jenks is mistaken that Jacob and Bella are planning to run off on Edward. But neither explanation makes any sense or is at all clear. It's crazy how this book has transitioned from being stupid and evil to instead being boring and nonsensical. Is this S. Meyer's way of getting revenge on us for complaining before?

“You guys thought THAT was bad, well, get a load of THIS!”-S. Meyer

Bella comes home and finds Kate (who?) and Garrett (who?) arguing about the nutritional value of animal blood. Oh ha ha I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THESE FUCKING PEOPLE ARE SHUT UP S. MEYER. She goes upstairs.

I could smell that I was the first one to enter Alice and Jasper's room in a long while, maybe the first since the night they'd left us.

It's just old lube and stale weed in there. Bella finds a small bag that once belonged to Alice and puts the IDs and some loose cash in there, planning to strap it to RNSM before the fight. Wait, it's a bag that used to belong to Alice? CHECK IT THOROUGHLY.

“Wow, your mom left us two hundred grand, fake IDs, and... is this a crack pipe or a dildo or both?”-Jacob

Bella realizes that (I have to take a deep breath every time I start trying to summarize this shit) if Alice saw Jacob and RNSM getting away, that means Demetri will die before the Cullens go down in the battle, which also means Alice and Jasper will be safe from tracking and could hook up with Jacob and RNSM down the line. I love me some Alice & Jasper, but those two are not fit to take care of Jacob and RNSM. They're too permissive!

“Love is love, baby!”-Alice Cullen
“Except inter-racial marriages.”-Jasper Whitlock
“Hey, Bella left some of my condoms in here! Double-bag it, Jake. Even Nessie's venom will do a number on latex.”-Alice Cullen

In an effort to help Alice find RNSM in future, Bella thinks really hard while she writes “Rio De Janeiro” on a slip of paper and puts it in the bag. GUHHHHHHH. Also what's the age of consent in Brazil?

I crossed my fingers that—since it was unlikely that his high school offered Portuguese—Jake had at least taken Spanish as his language elective.

First of all, that's a pretty racist assumption. “No way that poor Injun school offered diverse language courses.” Second of all, Bella, sorry, but Jacob's Spanish notebook is full of sketches of you giving him head.

Bella tells us that Carlisle and Edward wait for two days in a clearing for Godot—I mean Aro—to arrive. She and Edward don't have a “last grand scene of farewell.” “Nor did I plan one,” she says.

To speak the word was to make it final. It would be the same as typing the words The End on the last page of a manuscript.

Place your bets now: will this book end with “The End”?