Friday, June 24, 2011

BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN, pt. 44: Feeling Yourself Disintegrate

Help promote this blog! Click here to (theoretically) automatically post a link to your Twitter. Someone try it, I want to see what it does!

Last time, the bottom dropped out AGAIN. I keep thinking it can't get any worse, any more poorly thought out or incoherent, and then it does. Most recently, we learned that the wolves aren't actually wolves but are actually shape-shifters who chose the form of wolves. Does that do anything for you? Did you derive any satisfaction from learning it?

Throwing a bunch of ideas at a wall and seeing what sticks is a perfectly fine thing to do in private. But you don't just just take the WHOLE WALL and EVERYTHING ON THE FLOOR and just publish it without considering ANYTHING, Stephenie! Did you ever stop and think that real other humans would have to read this?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? THIS IS SOOOOO AWFUL. THIS IS THE FUCKING WORST SHIT I HAVE EVER READ. KILL ME!

My big problem used to be that I did not understand why no parent had ever complained about the regressive sexual politics and subliminal messages in Twilight. I am still outraged at that, but my primary issue now is more basic: I do not understand how or why someone allowed this to be published. That Breaking Dawn got published makes me question ever wanting to be a writer. I thought that unlike a lot of industries, publishing would be a meritocracy. It can't be. Either it's random and cruel and Hobbesian, or S. Meyer is somebody's cousin. Like a young baseball fan who finds out his favorite player is on steroids, my worldview is shaken.

When I was a senior in high school, I felt like my parents deliberately distanced themselves from me, emotionally, in order to aid in the transition. I don't know if they really did, or did it consciously, or if I unconsciously did it myself, but anyway this is sort of how I feel about Twilight now. For a while, in the middle, I could see how people liked it; I can't anymore. I feel lost; I'm questioning past defenses. You want to say Twilight is gay and vampires don't sparkle? Fine. That's a more defensible position than mine.

Chapter 37 (cont'd): Contrivances

So here's what this chapter is: it's a series of mini-trials, with Caius and Aro acting as prosecutors from the law firm of Dewey, Cheetum, & Howe). They interrogate various characters we don't care about, looking for an excuse to destroy the Cullens. When Aro informs Caius that the werewolves aren't werewolves but are actually shapeZZZZZZZZZZZ—I fell angrily asleep for a second there, sorry—he also gives his brother a meaningful glance while telling him not to waste time with “false accusations.” Bella realizes that they are going down a checklist, looking for an effective strategy. This is also what S. Meyer is doing. And it isn't working for anybody.

Caius brings Irina forward again and interrogates her; he asks about her motivation for coming to the Volturi in the first place—did she have it in for Carlisle? She explains that the Cullens sided with the wolfpack—sorry, the SHAPE-SHIFTER PACK—over the killing of Laurent, and that's why she got mad and called 5-0. Bitches be crazy, right? (Why couldn't it have been a dude who impulsively ratted out the Cullens?)

“So the Cullens sided with the
shape-shifters against our own kind—against the friend of a friend, even,” Caius said.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: do you give a shit about any of this? Irina makes a stand though, and says she bears no ill-will against the Cullens or the wolves—I MEAN SHAPE-SHIFTERS—now. And then she seals the deal: “There was no crime. There's no valid reason for you to continue here.” That does it for Caius, and he signals a few Volturi members who swoop in and immediately kill Irina. Everybody stands there shocked while Caius pulls out a “carved and ornate” silver object which basically turns out to be a super-powerful zippo lighter that he uses to burn Irina's remains. Okay, so long Irina! Whoa!

(I mean, who the fuck is Irina anyway, but at least S. Meyer killed SOMEBODY.)

If you remember, which you probably don't and why would you, Kate and Tanya are Irina's sisters. So they charge forward in a rage and the Cullens move to stop them. Rosalie gets flattened by Kate's shock power (she has a shock power, by the way), and so does Emmett (“Don't tase me bro!”-Emmett). But then Garrett locks his arms around her, enduring shock after shock until Bella finesses the fabric of her shield between them and Kate is subdued. The only problem is: Bella already did that shit! She converted her dome-shield into a shield that wrapped around each person a few pages ago! And that should have protected them from each other's powers in the first place! UGH OH WELL.

And my attention returned to the weight of the stares that pressed down on our moment of chaos.

YEESH. Bella wonders if the Volturi understood what happened with her moving her shield between Garrett and Kate and all. Hey, why aren't you worried about US? There are other stares pressing down on this moment of chaos, girl! Just as confused as the readers are the mob of witnesses the Volturi brought along. Bella feels like Irina's swift death unsettled them; she watches Aro glance worriedly behind him. “His need for an audience had backfired badly.” Ha! I'm not saying EVERY SENTENCE in this chapter also applies as a criticism for S. Meyer, but uh, most of them do. Still surveying the other nameless, shapeless vampires, Bella assumes that after they've all been killed the Volturi will have to track down and kill their own witnesses, too. For them, and for Jacob, RNSM, Alice, and Jasper, Bella says, “Demetri had to die.” She cares about the witnesses, too? Oh my god! It only took four books for Bella to learn compassion for strangers!

Caius moves on to Amun, while Edward's fists ball up so tight “it looked like the bones in his knuckles would split through his diamond-hard skin.” Is that supposed to be sexy? Because that strikes me as an extraordinarily childish gesture. I'm picturing Edward as a Peanuts character. Amun boringly affirms the details of the Cullen story, and then asks Aro if he can leave. “I gave my witness. I have no more business here,” he says. Good instinct, Amun. Get out while you still can.

So there are two ways they can play the character of Amun—these roles were apparently cast, which means Melissa Rosenberg resisted the (I'm sure overwhelming) temptation to cut the last 300 pages out (but Bill Condon can still do the noble thing and spare us)—either play him as a rational actor, staying out of the conflict for good reason, or play him as an over-the-top coward. An over-the-top Arab coward, no less. Which is why I am certain the second way is how they'll go with it.

The great Wendell Pierce (of Treme and The Wire and the upcoming Horrible Bosses) is, as it turn out, playing J. Jenks in Breaking Dawn pt. 2. Which means the black actors in the series so far have been the guy who hits Bella with a car, the bad vampire who gets ripped apart by wolves, and the criminal ID forger. GUHHHH thanks, Summit Entertainment!

4 comments:

Kim said...

The more I learn about the publishing industry, the more disillusioning it is. If it's not book packaging firms taking advantage of young writers or every celebrity and their dog getting a book deal, it's this shit. It's just one tiny part talent and one giant part who you know and how well they can sell you.

Xocolatl. said...

First of all, I'm glad to see that you took down that little site description you had that said you somewhat enjoy the books, although I can't remember exactly when it was last there...

Secondly, I'm glad you're almost through. It seems that Twilight bloggers' minds disintegrate near the end of their blogging experience, and finishing up the series will definitely be a return to normalcy, probably.

But like you said a while back, this series has BECOME the mainstream and shaped the mainstream, which means you should really stop getting your hopes up for good books that are also popular with teens (if you ever did). I myself have been leaving more and more YA books unfinished, either because I get too angry to finish or too bored.

I believe you said you would be reading The Hunger Games. I'm not sure why it's so popular, probably because there is romance in there, but it really is a good series about a badass girl and intriguing issues... to a point.

That series rubs me the wrong way and I haven't yet been able to pinpoint it, but maybe you'll see it.

Anyways, you're almost done! Celebrate! Of course the movie are still there, but seeing as they're somewhat self-aware and they have a time constraint, and Ashley Greene, I think you'll be fine.

(Sorry if that was rambly. My head is fuzzy with being sick and my nasal cavities are killing me.)

Xocolatl. said...

WOW nvm about the site descrip thing it's at the bottom...so instead I'll tell you that you really need to update that. Also, since this is a (somewhat) old post I'll repeat most of what I said here later (I'm shameless).

Danielle Bruno said...

YOU SHOULD READ THE BOOKS BY JOHN GREEN!!! HE IS A NERD AND A NERDFIGHTER!!! HIS BOOKS HAVE THE ABILITY TO BE FUNNY AND SERIOUS WITHOUT UNDERMINING THE ISSUES AT HAND!!! MY FAVORITE SO FAR IS "PAPER TOWNS"!!!