WRITING BREAKING DAWN: Alice Cullen Paints A Fence

OK, for real: I want to start posting some of this shit on Twilighted. So check out the directory here, and tell me which stories you think should go over there. Let's see how long it takes me to get banned!

"Alice Cullen Paints A Fence"

“Alice Cullen what did I tell you?” Esme put her hands on her hips and stared down at her daughter.
Alice tossed aside a bloody limb and looked up innocently. “We were just having some fun,” she whined.
“Well, you might have had fun, but I don't think these people are enjoying themselves anymore.” Esme gestured sternly around at the blood and gore and bones in her daughter's bedroom.
“I made it real enjoyable for them for a while there.”
“I'm sure you did. But now you're going to be punished. Ain't no way around it.”
Alice sighed. “But Esme, punishment don't work on me!”
“I know, but you're just going to have to take your licks on this one. And I don't want to hear anymore moaning.”
“Usually when I take my licks there's a lot of moaning,” Alice said.
“You're gonna paint that there fence out back,” Esme said, pointing out the window. “It needs a new coat.”
Alice sighed and stood up. “Alright then.”
“Alice?”
“Yes ma'am?”
“Put some clothes on.”
“Okay, ma'am.”

Alice Cullen approached her brother Emmett, who was watching a basketball game on the TV while holding a basketball in his lap.
“Emmett, how would like to do something really cool?”
“Well, based on your description I'd say I'd like it just fine,” he said with an easy grin.
“I think painting that fence out yonder would be a real good time,” she said. “I already got you the paint, a few brushes, this here smock.”
“A smock! Badass!” Emmett said, standing up. The basketball bounced across the floor as a realization dawned on him. “Wait a minute, are you fixing to trick me into doing your chores for you?”
Alice sighed, caught red-handed. “Yessir.”
“Well, what do I get in return?”
“I'll give you a...say, how's about a... blowjob?” Alice offered timidly.
“Sold!” Emmett said. He started for the backyard.
“I'm going to see about finding you a few assistants,” Alice said.

Bella Cullen lit a new cigarette with the end of her old one and picked up the newspaper again.
“Mommy!” Renesmee hollered from another room. “C'mere!”
“What is it, precious?” Bella sighed.
“Jacob did funny thing! Lemme show you!”
“Oh for fuck's sake honey, we've talked about this! You can show me LATER!” Bella snapped.
“You're losing your patience with her far too easily,” Edward said gently, from his position on the fainting couch nearby. He casually turned the page of his Bible.
“I've had about enough of your shit, too.” Bella mumbled.
“I heard that,” Edward said quietly.
Bella flashed him a murderous look and whispered, as low as she could, “I hate you.”
“Heard that, too,” Edward said woundedly.
“Knock the fuck knock!” Alice said from outside.
Bella was out the door with her arm hooked through Alice's, leading her away from her cottage, before Alice really knew what was happening.
“Tell me we're going to Vegas or something,” Bella said. “Please!”
“'Fraid not,” Alice replied. “Fact is, I need a favor.”
“Fuck, I'll do near anything to get out of that godforshitting cottage.”
“Well, I convinced Emmett to paint the back fence for me--”
“How'd you ever swing that?”
“I mighta promised a sexual favor or two,” Alice said, making a “jerking-off” hand gesture. Then she moved her still-gesturing hand toward her mouth and started pushing her tongue against one cheek. She continued with the miming act for a few seconds, cupping imaginary balls and finally spitting out of one corner of her mouth, wiping her chin, and grinning at Bella, who slow-clapped in response. “Anyway I was hoping you could perchance... lend a hand.”
“Fuck Emmett? Sure,” Bella said breathlessly, taking her hands from her hips and unconsciously pushing up her breasts.
“Well,” Alice said, stunned by this turn of events, “I'll let you fuck him IF you pitch in painting that there fence.” She pointed and smiled.
“Fair's fair,” Bella said. She set off in the direction of the backyard.

Alice shook her head and returned to her house and knocked on her sister Rosalie's door. She answered with narrowed eyes.
“How would you like to watch Emmett have sex with Bella?” Alice asked.
“What?” Rosalie said, appalled. “How dare you? Where do you get off?”
“On the bed, on the couch, in trees sometimes, underwater on occasion,” Alice replied.
Rosalie stood waiting, tapping one foot.
“C'mon, think about it,” Alice pleaded. “It will be fun! And the look on Edward's face when he reads Emmett's thoughts?”
A smile crossed Rosalie's lips. “Bella will actually let me watch? That would be...interesting, I guess.”
“If you'd be so kind as to help them paint the fence...” Alice suggested.
“In the backyard?”
“Yep, just the way Emmett likes it,” Alice winked.
“Yeah, well—hey, how do YOU know that?”
“I have my ways.” Alice nodded at a seemingly normal looking teddy bear on the dresser.
“Christ. Is there a CAMERA in there?”
“High definition.”
“That's fucking disgusting, Alice. I'm your kin.”
“It ain't disgusting at all. You've got a slamming body, girl.”
Rosalie grinned despite herself.

Alice danced down the staircase, triumphant. Her mother Esme was standing at the back window watching her siblings Bella, Emmett, and Rosalie paint the fence.
“I reckon I have to hand it to you,” Esme said. “You sure found your way around this punishment.”
“Or have I?” Alice asked, looking toward the living room.
“Alice!” Edward called. He pushed through the front door, livid. “You and I are about to have an abrupt conversation. I can hear Emmett and Rose: You have my wife planning to violate her sacred marriage bonds!”
Alice laughed. “You think she hasn't violated them before? Why do you think I am mentally reciting Greek poetry right now instead of thinking about the hike Bella and I went on two weeks ago?”
Edward gasped. “You have made me a cuckold! I challenge you to a duel!”
This time both Esme and Alice laughed. “Oh god, are you serious?” Alice asked when Edward didn't react. “Edward—I would, I mean, I would fucking OWN you. I would tear your ass apart.”
Esme nodded solemnly. “She would.”
Edward processed that for a moment. “You must stop her,” he said quietly.
“I most certainly shall not,” Alice said, putting her hands on her hips. “Bella is her own woman. But, I'll make it up to you.”
“How?” Edward asked.
“I'll give you a blowj--”
“No,” Edward stopped her.
Esme giggled and then put her hand over her mouth. She turned back to stare out the window, but when she saw what her children were getting up to in the field now, she had to avert her eyes. “Oh goodness. I'll be in my room,” she said.
“I will let you... drive my car!” Alice offered.
“I bought you that car,” Edward countered.
“With my money,” Alice noted.
“Still, no.”
They stood silently for a few minutes, Alice considering favors and then foreseeing Edward's denials. She sighed when she realized what she had to do. “Okay Edward. You got me. Two hours of Bible study.”
“Really!?” Edward could scarcely contain his joy.
“I'll be there with bells on. I'll even wear underwear this time.”
“This is going to be great!” Edward rejoiced.
And they all came happily ever after. Except Edward.