Last time, Caius interrogated various ancillary characters who continued to affirm that the Cullens were innocent. If the infant-sized glove does not fit Renesmee, you must acquit! This time, he continues to realize his dream of being a lawyer (in elementary school Caius starred as head prosecutor Peter Pan in a mock trial of Captain Hook) until Garrett interrupts him and stages an impromptu Glenn Beck episode on the battlefield, bringing everything to a screeching halt. Seriously.
Chapter 37 (fucking cont'd): Contrivances
Aro starts saying that even though no law has been broken, Renesmee may pose a danger still. Maggie, whoever that is, shakes her head “with slow anger.” I FEEL U GURL. But here is where I will give this book a little credit. We have been enduring, for hundreds of pages, a deluge of rhetorical conceits. (Like: In this chapter, Bella just watched Aro watch Garrett subdue Kate knowing that Aro had knowledge of Kate's power, which he learned through Edward's memories, and Bella wondered what Aro's reaction to Garrett's overcoming said power would be—if he would realize Bella's shield power was so potent or if he would draw some other conclusion. YES THAT IS HOW S. MEYER WRITES THINGS.) The rhetorical conceit that Aro now introduces is kind of an interesting one: for centuries, he says vampires stayed secretive out of “convenience.” But now, it's a matter of national security. “The raw, angry century has given birth to weapons of such power that they endanger even immortals,” he says. Therefore, he seems to suggest, desperate times call for desperate measures; the ambiguity surrounding RNSM cannot be allowed. Aro is trying to ram through his very own Patriot Act.
(The USA PATRIOT Act is an acronym: Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism. Did you know that? What would the acronym be for the VAMPIRE act? Assuming the Volturi/S. Meyer had their act together enough to form a coherent system of government, I mean. Violence Against Many People Is Really Essential?)
Garrett, the American Revolutionary vampire (never forget) steps forward and asks to speak. Aro gives him permission, and he proceeds to get all Patrick Henry on our asses. It's sort of cool, in a way, after you shake out the unavoidable Tea Party associations that now come with his kind of rhetoric; he speaks to the Volturi's witnesses, of whom he recognizes several fellow nomads who “answer to no one,” and indicates that the Volturi are trying to broaden the scope of government. Again, interesting. But what is it doing here?
(Also, uh, is this book becoming a weird criticism of the Bush presidency, post 9-11? It came out while he was still in office. However, book three opened with a quote from Bush defender Orson Scott Card, so maybe it's just supposed to be a hazy rejoinder against general tyranny in the same way that Tea Party types can say we should put Mexicans and gays in concentration camps or whatever and then say Obama is the Orwellian one.)
Garrett's speech touches off the penultimate arc of this scene—something else happens soon that negates all of it, but we'll get to that—so it's a little unclear to me why he has such an important role. Why isn't this critical speech being spoken by Edward? Carlisle? Bella? Our main characters stand aside while Garrett and Aro write an AP US History final exam. It's totally bizarre and wrong.
Of course, the same old sexual politics we have been dealing with for a thousand pages resurface in Garrett's speech, too. He tells the witnesses that the Cullen family's (he stresses the word “family” over “coven” like a true values voter) golden eyes are a testament to their bond, that they have found something better than “mere gratification of desire.” Uh-huh. But the overall appeal is a good one. “The Volturi care nothing for the death of the child,” he says. “They seek the death of our free will.” He only uses the word “freedom” once, and never mentions Obamacare! Bully for you, Garrett!
At the end, Aro calls Garrett a “revolutionary,” which Garrett bristles at. “Are you my king?” he asks. YA BURNT ARO. Aro says he was only referring to his time of birth: “Still a patriot, I see.” S. Meyer clearly thinks that basing Garrett in the Revolutionary War era is the most clever thing she has ever done, and she would like to be congratulated for it. But you know what? Now that I think about it, it actually MIGHT BE the most clever thing she has ever done. So bully for you, too, Stephenie.
If Aro is the George Bush or whoever in this situation, he makes the perfect next move: he asks the people (his crowd of witnesses). Invoking regressive public opinion has been the bread & butter of the Right for years—that well is only now running dry. But anyway he throws in some push-poll* language just in case: “Do we put our world in jeopardy to preserve their family intact?” That's a redundant phrase, Aro. A couple of vampires testify that they think Garrett is right, and then they run away. Hahaha okay, bye guys? The rest of the Volturi witnesses stay and don't say anything, and Bella guesses that a few are just too confused to decide whether or not they want to stick around. TELL ME ABOUT IT!
(*For the uninitiated, a push-poll is a political dirty trick used to A. bolster opinion in your favor and B. create unfavorable associations for your opponent. If Michele Bachmann were to pay for a poll with a question like “If Barack Obama paid for your daughter's abortion, murdering the beautiful child growing inside of her, would you be more or less likely to vote for him?” then that would be a push-poll.)
Aro wanders back to his gang and asks them if they think preserving their world is worth dying for. They creepily whisper affirmative responses in unison. Then, Aro calls a meeting with his brothers, and Bella seizes the brief opportunity to tell Jacob about running with RNSM and all the plans she's been making. (Dude is probably so excited. Bella tells him that she chose him because he loves RNSM so much. UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH. FUCK YOU FOREVER S. MEYER) Of course, this is also the first Edward has heard of Bella's back up plan, and he watches in horror. Bella confesses she had to keep it from him to keep it from Aro, and Edward has a look of agonized resignation as he figures it all out. Good luck, Robert Pattinson.
Then Bella tells Jacob he will always be her best man, whatever that means, and “a teardrop the size of a baseball” comes out of his eye. How do you not burst out laughing when you see a baseball sized tear? And then the most insane fucking thing ever happens: Edward puts his head against Jacob's wolf-shoulder and says: “Goodbye, Jacob, my brother...my son.”
AHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK? This is some Oral Biography of Buster Casey shit, you guys. Edward, that is the grossest thing I have ever heard.
“Is there no hope, then?” Carlisle whispered. There was no fear in his voice. Just determination and acceptance.
Carlisle is the least father-like father figure ever. He's taking his lead from Bella now? God. His response touches off a bunch of murmured goodbyes amongst the Cullens and their allies, and again Garrett manages to steal the show:
“If we live through this,” Garrett whispered to Kate, “I'll follow you anywhere, woman.”
“Now he tells me,” she muttered.
I sort of love that? But again, what is it doing here? I mean, I know I have given up on liking any of our main characters, but has S. Meyer given up too?
Chapter 37 (fucking cont'd): Contrivances
Aro starts saying that even though no law has been broken, Renesmee may pose a danger still. Maggie, whoever that is, shakes her head “with slow anger.” I FEEL U GURL. But here is where I will give this book a little credit. We have been enduring, for hundreds of pages, a deluge of rhetorical conceits. (Like: In this chapter, Bella just watched Aro watch Garrett subdue Kate knowing that Aro had knowledge of Kate's power, which he learned through Edward's memories, and Bella wondered what Aro's reaction to Garrett's overcoming said power would be—if he would realize Bella's shield power was so potent or if he would draw some other conclusion. YES THAT IS HOW S. MEYER WRITES THINGS.) The rhetorical conceit that Aro now introduces is kind of an interesting one: for centuries, he says vampires stayed secretive out of “convenience.” But now, it's a matter of national security. “The raw, angry century has given birth to weapons of such power that they endanger even immortals,” he says. Therefore, he seems to suggest, desperate times call for desperate measures; the ambiguity surrounding RNSM cannot be allowed. Aro is trying to ram through his very own Patriot Act.
(The USA PATRIOT Act is an acronym: Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism. Did you know that? What would the acronym be for the VAMPIRE act? Assuming the Volturi/S. Meyer had their act together enough to form a coherent system of government, I mean. Violence Against Many People Is Really Essential?)
Garrett, the American Revolutionary vampire (never forget) steps forward and asks to speak. Aro gives him permission, and he proceeds to get all Patrick Henry on our asses. It's sort of cool, in a way, after you shake out the unavoidable Tea Party associations that now come with his kind of rhetoric; he speaks to the Volturi's witnesses, of whom he recognizes several fellow nomads who “answer to no one,” and indicates that the Volturi are trying to broaden the scope of government. Again, interesting. But what is it doing here?
(Also, uh, is this book becoming a weird criticism of the Bush presidency, post 9-11? It came out while he was still in office. However, book three opened with a quote from Bush defender Orson Scott Card, so maybe it's just supposed to be a hazy rejoinder against general tyranny in the same way that Tea Party types can say we should put Mexicans and gays in concentration camps or whatever and then say Obama is the Orwellian one.)
Garrett's speech touches off the penultimate arc of this scene—something else happens soon that negates all of it, but we'll get to that—so it's a little unclear to me why he has such an important role. Why isn't this critical speech being spoken by Edward? Carlisle? Bella? Our main characters stand aside while Garrett and Aro write an AP US History final exam. It's totally bizarre and wrong.
Of course, the same old sexual politics we have been dealing with for a thousand pages resurface in Garrett's speech, too. He tells the witnesses that the Cullen family's (he stresses the word “family” over “coven” like a true values voter) golden eyes are a testament to their bond, that they have found something better than “mere gratification of desire.” Uh-huh. But the overall appeal is a good one. “The Volturi care nothing for the death of the child,” he says. “They seek the death of our free will.” He only uses the word “freedom” once, and never mentions Obamacare! Bully for you, Garrett!
At the end, Aro calls Garrett a “revolutionary,” which Garrett bristles at. “Are you my king?” he asks. YA BURNT ARO. Aro says he was only referring to his time of birth: “Still a patriot, I see.” S. Meyer clearly thinks that basing Garrett in the Revolutionary War era is the most clever thing she has ever done, and she would like to be congratulated for it. But you know what? Now that I think about it, it actually MIGHT BE the most clever thing she has ever done. So bully for you, too, Stephenie.
If Aro is the George Bush or whoever in this situation, he makes the perfect next move: he asks the people (his crowd of witnesses). Invoking regressive public opinion has been the bread & butter of the Right for years—that well is only now running dry. But anyway he throws in some push-poll* language just in case: “Do we put our world in jeopardy to preserve their family intact?” That's a redundant phrase, Aro. A couple of vampires testify that they think Garrett is right, and then they run away. Hahaha okay, bye guys? The rest of the Volturi witnesses stay and don't say anything, and Bella guesses that a few are just too confused to decide whether or not they want to stick around. TELL ME ABOUT IT!
(*For the uninitiated, a push-poll is a political dirty trick used to A. bolster opinion in your favor and B. create unfavorable associations for your opponent. If Michele Bachmann were to pay for a poll with a question like “If Barack Obama paid for your daughter's abortion, murdering the beautiful child growing inside of her, would you be more or less likely to vote for him?” then that would be a push-poll.)
Aro wanders back to his gang and asks them if they think preserving their world is worth dying for. They creepily whisper affirmative responses in unison. Then, Aro calls a meeting with his brothers, and Bella seizes the brief opportunity to tell Jacob about running with RNSM and all the plans she's been making. (Dude is probably so excited. Bella tells him that she chose him because he loves RNSM so much. UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH. FUCK YOU FOREVER S. MEYER) Of course, this is also the first Edward has heard of Bella's back up plan, and he watches in horror. Bella confesses she had to keep it from him to keep it from Aro, and Edward has a look of agonized resignation as he figures it all out. Good luck, Robert Pattinson.
Then Bella tells Jacob he will always be her best man, whatever that means, and “a teardrop the size of a baseball” comes out of his eye. How do you not burst out laughing when you see a baseball sized tear? And then the most insane fucking thing ever happens: Edward puts his head against Jacob's wolf-shoulder and says: “Goodbye, Jacob, my brother...my son.”
AHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK? This is some Oral Biography of Buster Casey shit, you guys. Edward, that is the grossest thing I have ever heard.
“Is there no hope, then?” Carlisle whispered. There was no fear in his voice. Just determination and acceptance.
Carlisle is the least father-like father figure ever. He's taking his lead from Bella now? God. His response touches off a bunch of murmured goodbyes amongst the Cullens and their allies, and again Garrett manages to steal the show:
“If we live through this,” Garrett whispered to Kate, “I'll follow you anywhere, woman.”
“Now he tells me,” she muttered.
I sort of love that? But again, what is it doing here? I mean, I know I have given up on liking any of our main characters, but has S. Meyer given up too?
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