Out of all the girlfriends I've had (four officially), my current girlfriend is ranked as only the 3rd most attractive girl I dated. To be fair, she is really hot and a total babe, but she doesn't have the same appeal of my other two hotter girlfriends. How do I avoid explaining this fact to her?Um, by breaking up with her because you're a fucking dick who doesn't deserve a hot girlfriend? Yeah, I think that's the best way to go.
Seriously, who thinks like this? The only way rank-ordering your girlfriends is acceptable is if you're a Rain Main-type dude and you can't help it. Like, you roll off of her after sex and blurt out "That was the twenty-third best fuck I've had to date. I have eleven pubic hairs in my mouth. Your dog barked twenty-six times." But if we were dealing with that situation, if I were the Tom Cruise to your Dustin Hoffman, then keeping your feelings from your girlfriend wouldn't be an issue; you wouldn't be able to help yourself, and she would hopefully be understanding about it (and if she wasn't understanding, then, like, what is that bitch's problem? You're Rain Man!). So clearly that is NOT the situation. I am still the Tom Cruise to your Dustin Hoffman, but in terms of sex appeal, not in terms of Rain Man-ness. You're being a dick. And you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself, all right? And I mean Tom Cruise circa 1989 and Dustin Hoffman circa 2011, by the way.
Though have you guys seen the trailer for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol? It's so rad! I think Tom Cruise is back. I've said that like ten times though. I like the guy, okay? I'm sorry.
My boyfriend broke up with me because I have psychological problems (manic depression, anorexia), even though I warned him from the beginning that I did. How do I get over a guy like that?
Crazy girls are the hottest girls, and guys who don't know that are missing out. I mean, take my wife. No, don't take her, the men in the white coats already tried! But I wouldn't let them because she's great in bed. You see what I mean?
I'm sorry about the mental stuff you are going through. That's some serious ish (and I hope you're getting legit help). I think the way to get over this dude is to find yourself another dude who is just as crazy as you. Because then, after a while, your cycles will align and you'll be manic at the same time (translation: crazy, kinky, frenetic sex) and depressive at the same time (translation: slow, cuddly, lazy sex). Okay, it's possible I'm mixing up mental illness with menstrual cycles. Common mistake, am I right fellas? [Tim Allen grunting noise]
I'm in 10th grade. I like this guy a lot. I've never been in a relationship before in any sense, but I feel really strongly about at least trying to initiate something. I don't have any clue how, though. Do you have any advice?
There are lots of ways to initiate something, but you're in tenth grade so I'm pretty sure most of them are illegal. I'll tell you a secret though, kid: when it comes to relationships, guys are dumb. Just as dumb as women, in fact! A thing like that, eh?
Let's say this dude had feelings for you. How would you like him to approach the subject? Would you like it if he just came right out and said it? That would be pretty nice, right? GUESS WHAT: I guarantee you he feels exactly the same way about such a situation.
Romance has been clouded by years of fake gender politics and Hallmark cards and romantic comedies. Men are not from Mars, women are not from venus. Men have penises and y-chromosomes and women have boobs and vaginas, but the differences basically end there. Tim Allen is full of shit and grunting noises. And so is Whitney Cummings. Gender is an illusion (except for the penises/vaginas), you know? We're ALL confused by each other and would rather just hear if someone digs us; if you feel something, say something!
In other words I am suggesting that you walk up to this dude and say "I like you." Nerve-wracking, I know. But you won't have a heart attack (unless you have a prior condition! This blog entry does not make me liable for your death!) and in the end you will be glad you did it. (Unless you literally die.)
I'm in 10th grade. I like this guy a lot. I've never been in a relationship before in any sense, but I feel really strongly about at least trying to initiate something. I don't have any clue how, though. Do you have any advice?
There are lots of ways to initiate something, but you're in tenth grade so I'm pretty sure most of them are illegal. I'll tell you a secret though, kid: when it comes to relationships, guys are dumb. Just as dumb as women, in fact! A thing like that, eh?
Let's say this dude had feelings for you. How would you like him to approach the subject? Would you like it if he just came right out and said it? That would be pretty nice, right? GUESS WHAT: I guarantee you he feels exactly the same way about such a situation.
Romance has been clouded by years of fake gender politics and Hallmark cards and romantic comedies. Men are not from Mars, women are not from venus. Men have penises and y-chromosomes and women have boobs and vaginas, but the differences basically end there. Tim Allen is full of shit and grunting noises. And so is Whitney Cummings. Gender is an illusion (except for the penises/vaginas), you know? We're ALL confused by each other and would rather just hear if someone digs us; if you feel something, say something!
In other words I am suggesting that you walk up to this dude and say "I like you." Nerve-wracking, I know. But you won't have a heart attack (unless you have a prior condition! This blog entry does not make me liable for your death!) and in the end you will be glad you did it. (Unless you literally die.)
Previously: "Perspiration is everything. Drink Gatorade."
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