No Church In The Wild: An Advice Column

I just broke up with my lover because he wanted to go backwards from being involved to dating. He has some serious mental/health problems (which I have never minded supporting him about). He says he is like - fucked. And needs 6 months+ to try to get a handle on his shit. Also maybe he wants to fuck other people. He doesn't want to put me on hold til then. Chances we will ever reconnect?

Hopefully there's no chance! Dude sounds like bad news. His mental breakdown just HAPPENED to coincide with a desire to fuck other people? FLAG ON THE PLAY. I know we'd all like to use the insanity defense every now and then (last night I ordered a pizza and I feel guilty about it today but I was perfectly sane when I did it, you know?) but its bullshit most of the time. Unless it's used to avoid the death penalty or an overly-severe punishment for a non-violent drug offense, in which case it's legit even if it's a lie. The system's broken!

Make a clean break from this joker. He didn't have the guts to actually dump you, so he blamed his brain and even tried to keep you in his pocket to fuck later. If you're still hoping to reconnect after that, YOU are the one who is crazy. (I'm not being glib here, I'm seriously saying you should seek out a medical health professional. Maybe he'll be hot!)

In my last relationship, I didn't even get break-up sex and the last sex she had was with someone else. This seems to be a pattern with me. I'm loyal and faithful but unforgiving. Relationship over. In analyzing this, I believe I give the impression that I don't give a damn. I'm no romantic and I don't believe in anniversaries, holidays and all that horseshit. They make no effort to hid that they cheated on me like they did it on purpose. Have you ever met a woman that would match my profile?

Let me get this straight: you don't want to be romantic (or apparently put much effort toward a relationship at all) but you still demand fidelity? Why? What's it to you? If anniversaries and holidays are horseshit, why isn't monogamy? Who the fuck are you to deem that? Why are you doing all this DEEMING, man? Ease up on the deeming.

There's an old saying: "Your girl vindictively fucks someone else once: shame on her. Your next girl vindictively fucks someone else too: you must have strange expectations about relationships." It's as true today as it was when Ben Franklin wrote it in 1991. Take his advice to heart, even though THAT Ben Franklin was just some guy my dad knew.

I still wish I could help you out, but my new dating site, Heteronormative-Patriarchal-Fuckwad-Match.com is still under construction. I've just got a piece of clip-art and a midi file up there while I meet with venture capitalists. But I heard there's a dating site for Ayn Rand fans, so maybe you could start there while you wait for me to develop my algorithm. And if you run into Sean Parker, mention my name, okay? Thanks.

"Change it to Fuckwad-Match.com. It's cleaner."-Sean Parker

If someone went for almost 16 months without having sex and had zero prospects for the immediate future, what would you tell them? Some have said it's not that big a deal. Others are more honest and think it's a grim scenario at best. You?

I was at an airport recently and through a series of wacky events my luggage got switched with Rick Santorum's. Weird, right? Anyway that day I found out what a Fleshlight is. Have you heard of them?

But seriously, Ross--I mean, whoever you are--16 months is not so bad. Hell, I went without sex for almost fifteen years! I'm sure as soon as you learn to walk and reach the next level of cognitive development you'll be knee deep in pussy. Just mind that soft spot on the top of your head.

I'm still kidding, buddy! Think about it this way: in the olden days, King Arthur only let his Knights of The Roundtable get laid once a year. Hard to believe, right? THAT'S BECAUSE I JUST MADE IT UP, THOSE GUYS GOT LAID CONSTANTLY. You're doomed. Donate your genitals to science before they fall off from lack of use. Thanks for writing in.

Got a problem? Hit me up here. Use the "ask anonymously" option please. Previously: "One hundred monkeys in a room with one hundred typewriters will eventually have sex with each other."