No Church In The Wild: An Advice Column

How do I get out of the friend zone? Like my friend says that it's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she feels that she sucks at relationships and she doesn't want to hurt me. And I mean, she could be lying, but let's assume it's true. What do I do? How do I say, "Fuck that, let's fuck" without actually using those words? Also, this is private because she follows you and I don't want her to know it's me.

See, now Hollywood would have you believe that friends these days can't get their mouths off of each other's genitals long enough to have "I suck at relationships and don't want to hurt you" talks. But you and I know different, don't we? Also, if you try hard enough you can communicate during oral sex. Especially if you and your partner know Morse code. But I digress.

The friend zone is like a desert, where the sand is made of tiny blue balls/blue labia and every few miles you stumble upon an oasis: she asks you to zip up the back of her dress, she gets drunk and falls asleep on your shoulder, she tells you how handsome/pretty you are. But they're mirages, and you fall gratefully on your face expecting wetness and instead it's just the blue ball sand. That metaphor worked out better than I expected. Anyway.

I'm not sure if you are looking for a relationship or one of those aformentioned Mila Kunis/Justin Timberlake mouth/genital situations but either way--you're in the boring dessert of no sex relationship and you'd like a way out. Totally understandable. Here's what you do: keep hanging out until he or she feels like taking her clothes off. That's it! Like, it's just an entropy thing, I think. Sooner or later, people bang. One hundred monkeys in a room with one hundred typewriters will eventually have sex with each other. And hold on until then.

Unless she's lying, which is probably what she is doing (sorry). But hey, she follows me? Who is she? I'll talk you up to her.

What advice would you give to someone who is recently out of a job?

First off: I'm sorry to hear that. It sucks that that damn socialist Obama gave your job to the terrorists. But really, I hear this economy is picking up, so it's good that you held onto a job until now--your stint of unemployment should be short if you keep up on sending out your resume and all that. Can you collect benefits? Do you have a savings? Even if not, I think you'll be okay. And there is a silver lining to this, because in the meantime you get to live on The Fringe!

Recently I've been catching up on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which is a show for which I will always have a fond place in my heart. See, in 2007 I was living very scrappily in a cockroach-infested apartment in what white people politely called "A scary-ass murderhood" in Philly. And it was awesome. For a while I worked at this weird Korean Barbeque where we drank plum wine all day and fucked up everyone's orders (a girl told me I ruined her father's birthday) and the chefs napped on the floor of the dining room between lunch and dinner. Then I worked as a caterer and had enough awkward experiences in a few weeks to supply an entire season of Party Down (one time I catered an event FOR A DOG). And every night Christy and I would go home to our apartment, shoo the roaches out of the sink, and do things like mix popsicles and vodka in a blender. We fried most of our food and just threw the used grease out the window. One night we also threw some of our clothes out the window. And then threw up (PARTY TIP: If you throw up wine and Doritos, for a second you worry that you've lost your internal organs). It was the fucking best.

It's Always Sunny represents that lifestyle very accurately, and in season 6 Danny Devito's character Frank coins a term for it. Living "fringe-style."

[Dee and Dennis run into Frank at a public pool]
Dee: Where'd you get that towel?
Frank: I borrowed it fringe-style from that guy over there. I gave him a bite of my hot dog, and he let me borrow his towel!

Living Fringe used to be exclusively for college students and recent grads, as well as a certain subset of elderly urban hippies and the poorest, ugliest gay dudes. But thanks to the recession, The Fringe is open for anyone, free of stigma! See, for a while I was laboring under the feeling that I wasn't living up to my potential. It was keeping me off The Fringe. Pride, I guess, is what it was. I was using my blender for fruit smoothies, not vodka slurpees. Lame! Then I started reading the signs at Occupy Wall St. protests. I saw guys who graduated at the top of their class at Yale or Brown and had applied for 100 jobs and were still unemployed. So much for my supposed potential, you know? It's kind of liberating! The Fringe is welcoming me back into it's loving arms. Join us!

We need to ride this recession out, is what I am saying. FRINGE STYLE! No use pretending there are opportunities out there for us right now, buddy. There will be in six months, maybe a year. But not right now. If this is depressing you, you're not on The Fringe enough. Do you want a bite of my hot dog?

NEED ADVICE? GET AT ME HERE. QUESTIONS ARE ANONYMOUS. ANSWERS ARE NOT GUARANTEED TO BE AT ALL HELPFUL.