Thursday, August 25, 2011

ASK NICK SULLIVAN: Letters To Esquire's Fashion Director, Answered by Zac Little

I am trying to settle the brown-suit, black shoe dilemma. People can obviously wear what they want, but what’s the fashionably acceptable pairing?

Howard Lindsay, West Hollywood CA

This year is all about MATCHING, Howard. I know, it’s a bit of an old-school notion, but these things go in cycles, just go with it. If you are wearing a black suit, pair it with black shoes and a black tie. Always. But don’t stop there. Wear a black shirt and black socks. Die your hair black. Black lipstick. Make sure you order all of your food that day “blackened,” as in Cajun Style. Try to seem like your very soul is black (in other words be an asshole to everyone). And you should probably be a black man too, just to me safe. If you are white, Howard (and I sense that you are), I would recommend wearing an all white suit with all white accessories (if your wallet is black or brown leather, switch it out for a money clip. Stylish!) and getting your teeth whitened.

We’re lucky that in today’s fashion world there is a color suit that corresponds to every race. It used to be that the Japanese were shit out of luck every fall!

Is there any kind of “man purse” that a man can carry to store all of his stuff?

Angelo DiMaggio, Oyster Bay NY

I too have long been advocating for a purse-like bag in which I can store my multivitamins, canned food, and the like. But alas Angelo, the fashion police are heteronormative fuckwads with pepper spray and billyclubs (so to speak). I long for the enlightened day when men will be able to carry small bags (I hope we will call them "man sacks") without being frowned upon. But until then: use your pockets, jackass.

Is it ever fashionable to wear a small, sleek knife clipped to the inside of your pants pocket when having a night out on the town? Thanks!

Matt Anderson, Atlanta GA

Not nearly as fashionable as a hand gun at church. But if you absolutely must bring a knife, just make sure you cut off your own head with it at the end of the night.

Like many 19-year-old college students, I spill on myself a lot. When liquor is involved, it gets bad. What are the best fabrics for going out?

Max Goodman, Oxford OH

First of all: TMI. Second of all, you can never go wrong in a track suit. Bitches will think you’re mobbed up, and they’ll swarm you like flies. Most of them will want OxyContin, but you’d be surprised what you can trade that for. That’s how I got my son! I had sex with a drug-addled hooker, I mean. I didn’t trade her for the kid. But I probably could have. You see what I’m saying?

I am 34 years old and in a position to buy a nice watch. My budget is more or less $10,000, and I’m trying to find one that stands out but is subtle, too. I’m thinking a Rolex, but which one?

Nicholas Schmids, Brookfield, CT

Fuck you.

4 comments:

Stephanie D'Ann said...

Hahaha you are just the best!

HeyMolli said...

Expensive watches are one of the most fucking pointless things on the planet, second to $500+ pairs of shoes.

Kira said...

Oh God, expensive watches. Fuck you FOREVER.

An acquaintance was telling me about some fucking rich piece of crap whose house he visited and how the dude had a watch collection, like 20 watches, all of which cost $10K and up. Guess what, rich guy? Go to hell. Burn there. You are a turd faced pig beast and I hate you.

Also, this fucker, who is in The Grateful Dead, makes one kajillion dollars a year in royalties, automatically, PLUS he tours and gets a couple hundred thousand dollars for every show he does.

NO WAR BUT THE CLASS WAR. EAT THE RICH.

Seriously, though, mob violence aside, bro has too much money. If you have that much money and you are not giving more than half of it away to charity every year, you are a gross puss bag of a human.

Xocolatl. said...

Love reading these!!! :D