No Church In The Wild: An Advice Column

I always seem to attract women already in relationships. It's become somewhat of a problem because I'd like to get into a serious relationship. How can I break the cycle I'm in and find a nice girl to settle down with?

It kind of sounds like God is giving you lemons and you're just stubbornly refusing to set up a threesome at your lemonade stand, buddy. These women are coming on to you? First of all: I'd like to know what kind of cologne you're using. Secondly: You must be black right? Oh god, that sounds so racist! But you're definitely black. I'm so flattered a black person is asking for my advice, first time out! Wow!

OK, so you're an infidelity magnet and you want to reverse the polarity of your field. This is pretty easy: You have to avoid places where you're likely to find girls in relationships. So stop picking up girls at the Bridal Emporium and the maternity ward, is what I'm saying. I know, I know, they're soooo good to go, but don't! There are also less obvious pickup spots you should avoid. Like, if you are at a store where silverware is sold, GET THE FUCK OUT. Literally no one buys silverware except for people who are married or on the fast-track to matrimony. Ditto mattress stores (single people just fuck on cots, or the floor) and lingerie stores (single girls don't have to bother with fancy bras and panties; literally anything, or nothing, will work. Plus that was kind of a weird place to pick up chicks anyway, girls probably thought you were a pervert).

Where should you go instead? There are obvious hotspots for singles: clubs, speed-dating clinics, pharmacies. But another good idea is to check the obituary section for places where memorial services are being held and search for a key phrase: "he is survived by his wife." TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I really am. I feel your pain. I mean, I'm married, but I had a really hard time finding an apartment over these last few months. All of the good ones were taken and plenty of landlords seemed to just be leading me on. But in the end my cousin tipped me off to a place that was opening up in her building, and now here I am. So I guess what I am saying is, if the rest of my advice fails you, just ask your cousin!

What do you do about a best friend who lives with you, but never cleans up after herself?

How hot is she? Maybe just let her get away with it? No, but seriously, DON'T YOU HATE THAT SHIT? I feel bad for you. Roommates who are always like, making smoothies and shit and then never cleaning the blender and just letting that raspberry gunk just petrify on the blade ARE THE WORST. And then you have to throw out the blender, and you think to yourself "Oh, I'll just buy a new blender and keep it in my room." And you do for like a day but then every time you look at it sitting on your dresser you just feel like SUCH A DICK so you finally bring it back out and let her have at it and the cycle just REPEATS and you get into such a LATHER and then you just RINSE. Whoa, what happened there? Sorry, I'm just really frustrated on your behalf!

Now most people in your situation get passive-aggressive. And that never works. But I'm not going to tell you to just have a heartfelt conversation instead. And I'm not going to tell you to create a chore calendar and hold them accountable for their chores. That won't work either! I'm of the opinion that passive-aggression only fails because it never goes far enough. Therefore I recommend like, fucking medieval passive-aggression. Don't just leave her dirty dishes in her room; put the dirty dishes IN HER BED, under the covers! And then jump on the bed so all the dishes break and her bed is full of old food and broken glass! When you find her dirty laundry on the floor of the bathroom, sell it on E-Bay to the creepiest perverts you can find! And give them her email address! Make that cunt suffer!

Or maybe just don't move in with friends in the first place. It's usually a bad idea. I mean, living together is not like hanging out but just for longer; there's lots of mundane day-to-day shit (dishes, bills, fucking smoke alarms) required for running a household that is just corrosive for friendships. Move in with someone you hate!

My boyfriend of 2 months is terribly clingy and insecure. As my time to move away to university approaches he's been getting worse and worse. I recently threatened to break it off but then he panicked and said he'll change. I want to believe him but I'm starting to doubt everything. I'm thinking our problems will just worsen with the distance between us. Do you think it's worth trying to make it work or should we both just move on?

Oh, it's going to be HELL ON EARTH. But I still think you should give it a shot for the first few weeks. Here's why:

I mean, first of all, you obviously care enough about this dude to ask. If you 100% wanted to kick him to the curb you just WOULD. So you owe it to yourself to try and make it work because if you give up prematurely you might kick yourself later (if say, you're next BF is EVEN MORE clingy and insecure). The second reason is pretty obvious, too: Skype sex. The third reason is the least obvious but most important: it's cool to be off the market when you first get to college. Guys like the dude from question 1 will pine after you--unattainability increases demand, just ask an economist like Tim Geithner (he has a crush on Michelle Obama). So when the ax does finally fall on Mr. Clingy, make sure you go cry somewhere in public. If you aren't actually sad, just fake it. Splash some water on your face, rub your eyes a little, and storm through the student union. Rumors will fly, and guys will be emailing you late at night like "Need a shoulder to cry on, baby?" Of course by "shoulder" they mean "cock" and by "cry" they mean "suck," but you can figure as much.

Oh hey I just re-read your question and saw that you've only been dating for two months? Dump his ass. Right now.

Got a problem? Get at me here. Click this to tweet, and feel free to offer your own advice in the comments. But let's remember who the expert is here (Dr. Phil, I mean).