What shades of blue trousers are best when wearing light brown or “cognac” shoes?
Drew Iocovazzi, West Hartford CT
They make cognac shoes? Now I’ve seen everything! If you can’t fashion pants out of a snifter (and you really can’t, I’ve tried) then I guess you’d be best off with Robin’s Egg Blue. When in doubt, always go with Robin’s Egg Blue. That’s especially true for expectant parents in China when they want to decorate a nursery. Might as well hope for the best, you know?
Being a short, slim man, ties often look too big, too long, and out of proportion to the rest of my body. Sometimes I’ll wear skinny ties, but are they formal enough for job interviews and the like?
Minh Doan, San Jose CA
Hold up: they are “too long” for you? You realize that, when you are tying the tie, you can determine the length, yes? You’re pretty much good until the back-end piece of the tie (I’m sure that end has a name, but Nick Sullivan is on vacation) exceeds the length of the fore-end. (The same governing principle applies to balls and penises.) Unless it’s still too long for you even when both sides of the tie are equidistant, in which case, how short are you? How big is your whole body? Would it fit in a jar, say?
I have a bold fashion suggestion if in fact you are like, 20 inches tall or less: clip-on ties. It’s risky, but interviewers respect audacity. And if you really want to nail a job interview, and I mean seal that shit up like the Cask of Amontillado, I’ve been telling people to wear the end of a noose around their necks. It’s fashion-forward and socially commentatious. That may or may not be a word, but again, Nick’s in the Hamptons.
Out of necessity, I wear a Blackberry in a holster on my belt. This puts a bulge in a buttoned suit jacket, but my job requires that I have it on my person at all times. What can I do?
Jeff Barker, Sacramento CA
Just attach a second holster for this violin, which is actually the world’s smallest! But seriously folks, I just talked to a 55-year old unemployed carpenter who used to have to carry around an ENTIRE BELT of tools, which really messes with the sleek appeal of a buttoned suit jacket, BELIEVE ME. I asked him your question, and he just said something about $22,000 of credit card debt and the fact that he can’t pay for his daughter’s college education. So I guess we don’t have an answer for you.
How would you explain the difference between a blazer, a sport coat, and a suit jacket?
Mark Calicchio, San Pedro CA
Same as the difference between and asshole, a douchebag, and a fuckface.
Jeff Barker, Sacramento CA
Just attach a second holster for this violin, which is actually the world’s smallest! But seriously folks, I just talked to a 55-year old unemployed carpenter who used to have to carry around an ENTIRE BELT of tools, which really messes with the sleek appeal of a buttoned suit jacket, BELIEVE ME. I asked him your question, and he just said something about $22,000 of credit card debt and the fact that he can’t pay for his daughter’s college education. So I guess we don’t have an answer for you.
How would you explain the difference between a blazer, a sport coat, and a suit jacket?
Mark Calicchio, San Pedro CA
Same as the difference between and asshole, a douchebag, and a fuckface.
If one’s suit bears peaked or notched lapels, is it appropriate for his vest to bear lapels? Furthermore, if one’s suit bears peaked lapels, is it appropriate for his vest lapels to be notched?
Nick Karras, McAllen TX
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING? FURTHERMORE: HOLY SHIT.
Why do boys get the blue clothes and girls get the pink? I recently made the point that this wasn’t always the case and have been trying to find out whether it’s true. Can you help?
Mitchell Miller, Milwaukee WI
Is this what passes for cocktail chatter in Wisconsin, Mitchell? Christ you Midwesterners are fucking boring. Also: you made the point without knowing whether or not it was true? What’s up with that?
But seriously, don’t fuck with me Mitch. I see what you’re getting at. Is this about a co-worker making fun of you for a pink shirt or something? Admit it. I know, I know, boys can be so mean. It’s awful. But if you run to Esquire’s fashion director instead of just punching the asshole in the face, you’re going to get a reputation as a tattle-tale. And maybe nobody will give you any guff about it to your face, but there will be talk. And then one day, when you least expect it, you'll get a shiv to the back. I’m assuming you work at a prison, of course. Or Target.
Nick Karras, McAllen TX
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING? FURTHERMORE: HOLY SHIT.
Why do boys get the blue clothes and girls get the pink? I recently made the point that this wasn’t always the case and have been trying to find out whether it’s true. Can you help?
Mitchell Miller, Milwaukee WI
Is this what passes for cocktail chatter in Wisconsin, Mitchell? Christ you Midwesterners are fucking boring. Also: you made the point without knowing whether or not it was true? What’s up with that?
But seriously, don’t fuck with me Mitch. I see what you’re getting at. Is this about a co-worker making fun of you for a pink shirt or something? Admit it. I know, I know, boys can be so mean. It’s awful. But if you run to Esquire’s fashion director instead of just punching the asshole in the face, you’re going to get a reputation as a tattle-tale. And maybe nobody will give you any guff about it to your face, but there will be talk. And then one day, when you least expect it, you'll get a shiv to the back. I’m assuming you work at a prison, of course. Or Target.
A colleague of mine recently claimed that one should never wear a tie with a blazer or sport coat. Is there any truth it?
David Hardaway, Austin TX
I can’t believe you’re coming to me with bullshit like this, David. Of course not. OF COURSE NOT. This like the 30 minute rule after swimming, or the Presidency of Dwight Eisenhower. OLD WIVES’ TALES, DAVID! Designed to scare little children and keep them from leaving the grounds of Hailsham. You can wear a tie with whatever you damn well please.
Your colleague is an asshole, and you should tell him to his face next time you see him. Preferably while you are wearing a plaid tie with a camouflage sport coat, just to fuck with him.
David Hardaway, Austin TX
I can’t believe you’re coming to me with bullshit like this, David. Of course not. OF COURSE NOT. This like the 30 minute rule after swimming, or the Presidency of Dwight Eisenhower. OLD WIVES’ TALES, DAVID! Designed to scare little children and keep them from leaving the grounds of Hailsham. You can wear a tie with whatever you damn well please.
Your colleague is an asshole, and you should tell him to his face next time you see him. Preferably while you are wearing a plaid tie with a camouflage sport coat, just to fuck with him.
I would like to know your thoughts on necklaces. I’m interested in a simple necklace and maybe something like a cross or a horseshoe with it.
Jonathan Howard, Louisville, KY
A: No. No. No. No. No. NO. A cross or a horseshoe? A CROSS or a horseshoe? A cross OR a horseshoe? A cross or a HORSESHOE? I suggest getting a really heavy chain, actually, and putting both a real cross (as in, made of two tree trunks) and a REAL HORSESHOE on it, then wearing it backwards so it slowly chokes you to death. That is my advice.
Previously: "As fashionable as a hand gun at church."
3 comments:
I thought the same thing w/r/t Nick Karras' question. I have a general rule about fashion, don't worry about it. Let a chick dress you or wear t-shirts and jeans. It's worked out fine for me so far.
I really love this column.
I love everything about this. Especially your Never Let Me Go reference.
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